The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

Why do we get drunk?

(This is a bit of a random rant so excuse me but…)

Why do we get drunk?

If someone can give me a valid answer to this question, then I will eat my hat! That’s how the saying goes right?

Many people say to me “Eurgh I’m gonna be so hungover on…” or “I’ll start that after the weekend because I’ll be so drunk, I won’t be able to do anything for a few days”.

People seem to think that a big event such as a holiday, a birthday, a festival etc involves getting absolutely wasted. But when people moan about the aftermath, what is the point?

Essentially, you are paying for something: a girls holiday for example. Don’t get me wrong, I went to Benidorm with my bestfriend and I spent the holiday drunk but the hangovers had got to have been the worst I’ve ever experienced. 

Lets think about this rationally= I paid for an amazing experience to spent a couple of hours enjoying being out of my head each day and double the time recovering each day.

How does that make sense?

As well as this, why do people think that they need to get drunk to enjoy things in life?

I love partying and I love holidays but when people go overboard and drink excessively, are you really enjoying it? I know I wasn’t. Not as much as I do now.

Are you going to remember it?

Are you going to enjoy it to the full potential?

There’s nothing wrong with having a relaxing or social drink but most young people in England believe that binge drinking their way through weekends is the way to let off steam and enjoy themselves.

You have question why you feel that your source of fun is going out and getting really drunk. Some people might just generally enjoy it but I am actually still yet to meet someone who honestly drinks just for “fun”.

When I did my research project the two top findings as to why people binge drink were:

1/ to have fun but most of these people also picked number two.

2/ to make themselves feel better. This involved to build confidence, to forget things, to feel less anxious, to feel less depressed, to feel like they fit in. 

Why work so hard for things in life to piss it up the wall with getting drunk?

I have no judgement. Of course, I don’t. I used to drink because I thought it was what I had to do to have fun. I thought I was enjoying myself. I thought that I thought it was fun. But really, I was masking a lot of unconscious anger, frustration and pain. I didn’t even realise I was repressing these feelings. I never let myself feel those things.

What I am trying to say is that before you go out and decide to get annihilated with your friends, ask yourself why you are going to get drunk? and what is the worst that can happen if you don’t get really drunk?

 

 

 

 

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

Feeling ‘High On Life’!

Today, I received the best news.

My goal of creating a society for people who don’t drink or take drugs was accepted.

Here, I present: High On Life society!

YAAAAY FRICKING YAYYYY.

After first, we were rejected. We were told there were societies at the university that do not push drinking (boardgames, harry potter, oddsoc). We were also told there is a lot of support at the uni for people who struggle with substances. I felt really misunderstood. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting people with similar lifestyles and not feeling pressured to drink or take drugs.

I decided I wouldn’t give up so I collected statements from everyone who wanted to be apart of the society and wrote an email expressing the high demand for the society. After several emails sent back and forth, we got an appeal. As I was at home, three people in the society volunteered to go in my place and thank god they did because they did a wonderful job! AND WE FINALLY GOT ACCEPTED AS AN OFFICIAL SOCIETY!

University is great but it can also be incredibly hard if you don’t follow the party life drinking student stereotype. In fact, University can be hard full stop, let alone battling with your own life choices not to drink or take drugs.

The society idea came about when I stopped drinking and struggled to find fun things to do that I enjoyed without alcohol or drugs. Whilst, there were societies that do not push alcohol, I did not enjoy their focus e.g boardgames and after searching online for local groups of people who do not drink, I only found people of the older generation. There were also many support groups but I did not want to go to those, I just wanted to make friends who did not drink for whatever reason and have fun, just like I did when I was drinking but without the alcohol.

Many events and nights out are centred around the party lifestyle and despite still loving to party, it can be really hard when your sober to turn up and remain confident without your liquid confidence. Especially when people question you as a person for not drinking. Even more so when people think they can persuade you to drink.

I have nothing against anyone drinking. Most of my friends drink. In fact, all of them do and I love them all. But sometimes, you need that option. You need an option to socialise with people who have a similar lifestyle to you in relation to substances.

I have tried to find people at university who don’t drink or take drugs for whatever reason and I have found it so hard. I started to feel isolated. But hey presto, I didn’t give up and I managed to find people who felt exactly the same as I did!

As well as feeling confident in my life choices now, I feel so relieved that I have found people from all walks of life who do not drink/take drugs for whatever reason. It is so refreshing. I finally feel like I’m not so ‘odd’. Finally, I feel like sobriety or just not obsessing over alcohol and drugs is becoming normality for a lot of people.

High On Life society is going to be three things:

• A sense of belonging: we all want to feel a part of something and all of the societies at university involve alcohol one way or another.
• The chance to network: to finally meet people who choose to have a good time without substances.
• To have fun without pressure: just because we don’t drink or take drugs does not mean we are boring. I am going to make it my mission to prove to the world that you don’t need alcohol and drugs to have fun. We are going to do everything that drinkers and drug takers do, just without the substances.

I can’t describe how happy I am that the society was finally accepted. People can do what they want in their spare time but our socials are going to be fun without substances. To know that when we meet up for socials, people will all be there for the same reason; To have fun without alcohol or drugs. Makes me sooo happy!

PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP. IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL DESPITE BEING TOLD YOU CAN’T!

Ahhhh I can’t even write anymore, I’m tooooo happy 🙂

Kelly, out.

 

 

 

Because going into an environment where people are absolutely smashed is a great idea for a sober person…

I wonder if anyone really understands how hard it is to be in an environment where drugs and alcohol are being consumed and to not use either. 

It’s not necessarily hard because I want to do those things but it is emotionally and mentally draining. The triggers and constant reminders of what has happened, who you were, who you could be and so much more.

People may look at me like I am boring but I am fucking strong. I’m not sorry for swearing.

I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t touch a drug and I didn’t even smoke a cigarette. The closest to drunk I got was the red wine that was spilt down my jeans by my drunk friend.

On reflection of my choice to go a festival yesterday, why on earth would I go into an environment where everyone is doing the extreme of something I don’t want to do. Am I crazy or am I crazy?

People weren’t drinking to have a nice time. People were drinking to get smashed. They were absolutely lamp-shaded! Everyone. Everywhere. Am I crazy? 

It’s like if you were trying to give up smoking, you wouldn’t go and stand with someone smoking. But it’s as if I went and spent my whole day in a packed smoking area with people chain-smoking.

KELLY, ARE YOU CRAY? GIRL, YOU CRAY! 

Since last night, I have felt in despair. Desperate. Frustrated. Angry. Why have I been dealt this card? When I submerge myself into environments where there is excessive drugs and alcohol, I always face this question. I act as if not drinking or taking drugs is a punishment. Like I am holding myself back.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

By not drinking I am giving myself a chance at the best life possible. I am freeing myself of things that have a negative affect on myself. I wouldn’t feel bad for giving up cake so why do I feel bad for giving up alcohol? It’s ridiculous. I am not being punished, I am rewarding myself with life.

At the same time, I am so proud of my determinism for a better life. I am proud of the determinism to not take drugs and drink alcohol and I am proud of the control I have over myself despite the constant voices in my head arguing and telling me what I should be doing.

It makes me sad because the only reason I think I should be doing those things is because society has taught me that’s what people do and it is the norm.

The decision to stop drinking was the best one I’ve made and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss it. I don’t think about when I’m going to have my next drink. However, I feel like I am really having to question a lot about my life right now. 

So many questions are flying through my head… Like am I going to find a potential life partner who isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time? Will I ever make good friends who aren’t going to get drunk all the time? Are the people in my life right now honestly supporting my decision or are they making it harder? Am I always going to be socialised into a heavy drinking environment? Do I need to be putting up with this shit?

Yesterday’s antics stressed me out so much that I dreamt about drinking alcohol. Ridiculous.

At the end of the day, people have their own lives and their own choices. But I stand by mine. I am proud. So goddamn proud that I am sober. I really love life and I don’t want to die with any regret. So watch this space.

I am sober and I am far from boring.

 

Emotions are not the enemy. Face them. Embrace them.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have achieved is accepting how I feel.

Have you ever felt angry and grabbed a bottle?

Ever been pissed off and ran for the cigarettes?

Had an argument with your partner and self harmed?

Had a shit last day at work and had a drug binge?

Short term fixes actually fix nothing.

For years, I would cope by using short term coping strategies and it never fixed anything.

The biggest accomplishment and sense of achievement is having a period of anxiety, depression, sadness, anger and doing simply nothing.

To feel anxious, starting to shake, sweating, freaking the hell out and then after a while feeling calm again is the best.

You may even shed a few tears but crying is better than cutting, smoking or any other short term relief.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I think “Fuck it” and want to have a cigarette or a night out of mind but there’s two ways I deal with this:

1/ Distraction. If I really can’t cope with processing the emotions properly at that time, I use a short term fix BUT a healthy one. I go to the gym. I write a blog. I paint my nails. I have a shower. I have a nap. I put on netflix and chill…

or

2/ Acceptance. Accept that feeling. Let it come. You are going to feel it sooner or later but what’s important is to remember to: Be rational. You are feeling angry and it’s ok to feel angry. Say it out loud. Shout it. You are entitled to feel however you feel. No matter how silly you feel for feeling like that. You feel angry because your car broke down. That’s why you feel angry, accept it. Why is it making you angry? Because you need to get to work and do the food shopping and now you cant. So whats the solution? Alcohol? Drugs? No. Get a bus, call a friend, walk. There are always solutions but they only come with a rational mind.

Just take a breath. In and out. In… Out…

Distract and don’t react.

Then accept and just be. Be rational.

The problems you have right now won’t be a problem in years to come. Just like the problems you used to stress over. Where are they now? Gone. You overcome them just like you can overcome the present stressful situations.

Lastly, there is nothing weak about feeling weak. Emotions are not controllable. Anger does not have to be a negative emotion. Neither does sadness. You need to accept that they are a part of who you are and let them come.

Sit on the riverbank and watch the emotions flow past, don’t struggle in the river and swim against the stream. You will only drown.

 

I came, I saw, I conquered and I partied sober bitches.

Ever been out clubbing sober?

I have been out in the last month or so twice and I did not drink or take drugs.

 

The first night out was in a dingy “club” in Gosport where dreams come to die. It’s called ‘Emma’s’. Don’t go.

Anyway, I went out with my aunty who loves a good night out when she’s not being a full time mum to her two young children. Despite not being too bothered whether my aunty drank alcohol, we decided to both be sober. Firstly, we headed to a pub and we bought an energy drink. In fact, we had two energy drinks and sang our hearts out to Christina Aguilera’s Dirrrrrty! After a while, we headed to the local club. This is where it gets interesting.

So to set the scene:

Sticky floors, bad disco lights, a wall to wall packed sweaty room with the ratio of men being way higher than women. Everyone was absolutely wasted. In all honesty, you have to be to go there. I looked around the room and saw the usual faces. Nevertheless, make the best out of a bad situation. We danced, we sang, we were given blackcurrant squash for free and then we left. We got a subway, got a taxi, went to bed and woke up happy and hangover-less. Fabulous.

The second time I went out sober was Saturday night. However, this was with my best friend of over 10 years and we grew up together discovering alcohol, trying alcohol, abusing alcohol and basically partying for a really long time. So to go out with my best friend sober was absolutely terrifying. It made me miss the old times and for a minute, it made me question my choices. But I knew that my best friend supported my decision. I would be mad if I had a drink and it wasn’t worth ruining 5 weeks of sobriety for a couple of hours losing my mind.

We got dressed up whilst dancing to Beyonce and we headed out for town. We went to a pub which played the most awesome throwback tunes and we sang our hearts out whilst awkwardly dancing sat down. I had a tropical redbull and my friend had a double vodka and lemonade. Buzzing.

We had three rounds and then left for Revenge; possibly my favourite club in Brighton. Full of straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transexual, you name it. There is no judgement in revenge and the music is as fabulous as the drag queen walking around in 6 inch heels.

The music was just what we wanted and what we needed. Cheesy throwback pop tunes to fill you with empowering thoughts and happy memories. We danced for a long time and had another 2 rounds in the club. Then around 2am, which is early for drunk people but late for sober people, we headed out to get food. We got a subway, jumped on the bus and headed home. We woke up the next day, got up and spent the day looking around Brighton and enjoying the day. It was such a good weekend!

I have to say that these are the only two nights that I can honestly say I have enjoyed. There is a 90% chance of waking up in the morning after an alcohol infused night out and regretting it. I can’t remember the last time I went out drinking and truly enjoyed myself and these two times, I had a blast.

So here are a few things I have learnt from partying sober:

• Clubs are hunting grounds. Guys tend to stand around the edges watching the girls dancing and getting more drunk. Taking off your beer goggles and watch! It’s fascinating.
• Alcohol really does make people more attractive. Self explanatory really.
• Drinks are either free or pennies if it is not alcoholic. This is my favourite.
• It doesn’t really matter what you look like, it matters how drunk you are. The girls who were more wasted looked more vulnerable and there were approached by the most guys.
• You can still ‘break the seal’. I don’t know if it was the amount of water and red bull I was drinking but damn, I still needed the toilet a lot.
•  No one notices if you are sober which is great if you are worried about being judged.
• Your make-up and hair still looks great at the end of the night. Always great for selfies!
• You are less likely to fall over, cry, break something. Normally, I lose things and come home with multiple bruises. The last two nights that I had went out, I came back in one piece with all of my belongings.
• The whole night is cheap. One night cost me £11. This included three drinks, club entry and money towards the taxi back.
• YOU CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

Basically, I loved it. I can enjoy life without alcohol and to finally be able to do that feels fantastic! A weight has been lifted. So, if you were cautious of drunk kelly, get ready for sober kelly ’cause I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!

 

 

You don’t have to sober up but please, GROW UP!

I haven’t posted in a long time but I have been ridiculously busy!

So, long story short, I started drinking again for my boyfriend and best friends birthday’s just before my travels to Europe. I didn’t plan on drinking a lot in Europe but if anyone knows anything about tours and a company called Topdeck, its basically there to get you drunk. I felt in control and I had an absolutely great time. There were one or two nights where I had too much to drink but hey, I’m learner again and as soon as I realized this, it put everything into perspective even more. I feel more in control than ever.

The real reason I am writing this post is because I went out in the town where all my drinking drama happened. My friend invited me down to spoons, a cheap place to drink, and there were a mix of friends going so I thought why not I have nothing else to do?! If I didn’t go I would of sat in and stared at the list of Uni choices I have before driving myself crazy.

Anyway, I went and I drove. I decided I didn’t really care to drink but I would have one. I picked my friend up as well as another friend and we went to town. It was all good… for a while. I could of predicted what would of happened but I really didn’t want that to be true.

Firstly, an ex boyfriend was there. I didn’t even notice until my friend pointed out. I was going to go over and say hi, I mean we were over years ago and I am well and truly past that, until he walked past with his friend who stopped and made a comment as if to be like YEAH I KNOW SHES HERE. Seriously? If I’ve grown up why haven’t you?

 

Then, there were a few people there who I guess were friends or acquaintances in the past. Some I had a few problems with and some I didn’t but again, all of the pathetic minute arguments that occurred were years ago but yet, I was still made to feel awkward. Why is saying hello back so hard? Or maybe they’re just rude?

Then, as everyone got more intoxicated and I didn’t, I realized how much this wasn’t me anymore and how much I hated where I was. I really didn’t want to be there. Girls who were clearly just 18 were staring me up and down, there were groups of guys all trying to be louder than each other. Everything was a competition.

The worst thing was it was all the same people. I stopped drinking in December 2014 and it is now September 2015. That’s nearly a year ago and the same people are in the same pub doing the same thing as they were a year ago.

So, I left and now I am sat in my car writing this blog and I couldn’t feel more at home. I don’t want that life anymore. No way in hell. If I’m going to drink, it’s going to be in a welcoming environment where I feel safe with people who I love and care about.

It makes me feel so proud of where I am. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think I am any better than those people I saw tonight but I am just glad that I have bettered myself. This time next year I will be off to University and starting a career and a life for myself. To be honest, I can’t wait!!!!!

Welcome to Round 2: Sobriety – The After Life

So, on 19/07/2015 I decided to have my first drink in just over 7 months and to be honest, it wasn’t very exciting.

I had been battling with myself during those seven months, wondering when I was to have an alcoholic drink again and I think I had built up this ‘first drink’ into something it most certainly wasn’t!

Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret having a drink. Yes, it would of been nice to complete a years sobriety but I didn’t feel like I needed too.

Having alcohol again feels like I’m in a competition and I’ve made it to the next round. I did what I set out to do. I stopped drinking. I battled with the fact my friends were going out getting drunk. I changed my social life. I made new friends. Most importantly, I got to the point where I realised I didn’t want a drink. I didn’t really miss it. It would reach 5pm on a friday and the last thing I thought of was ‘I need a drink’ and that was when I knew I had won.

NEXT ROUND.

Now, I’ve broken my sobriety and I could have a drink whenever I wanted. Luckily, I still don’t really fancy one. I went camping with my boyfriend and it was amazing. We had a great time but I had this sudden urge to drink. In the past, when I had gone on holiday or it was a big event, I would just think of alcohol. I associated alcohol with fun for such a long time and I guess going away on holiday was just a trigger to my old ways of thinking. I did have a drink on holiday. I had a few. It was nice and it was controlled and I didn’t need to down anything or have an urgency to feel really drunk.

However, having that alcoholic drink didn’t make my night worse and it didn’t make my night better. I felt I could of easily had a mocktail version or something else to drink and I still would of had a great night.

And I did have a good night. Although, there’s always going to be a downside to it:

• the urge to pee through out the night,

• the dehydration which is just irritating

• and the headache I endured for a few hours the next morning. I had a slight headache and I hate headaches. I had a headache after one fruit flavoured cider. I used to drink ten times that amount and some how I didn’t die?

So, my next challenge really is to know when to drink. I’ve decided it comes down to this:

The Situation

Am I celebrating something? Is it a birthday? Or am I drinking because I’ve had a bad day at work?

The Company

Am I in good company? Do these people care about me? Do I feel comfortable drinking around these people? Do I feel peer pressured?

The Mood

What sort of day have I had? If I’m not feeling great, physically and/or mentally, will drinking help?

The Cons

Do I have to get up tomorrow? Can I afford to drink?

By answering these questions, I should be fine. I think I answer them subconsciously anyway. I’m going to be okay and I don’t feel worried at all. Having that drink has actually lifted a massive weight off my shoulders and I feel, from now on, that when I have a drink I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it because it is going to be at the right time for the right reason.