If you are struggling, please talk to someone!

Yesterday, I discussed medication we take when we are struggling with our mental health. Like I said yesterday, I believe talking therapies and medication can work together and they can work individually.

This blog is going to be looking at other ways to beat your demons…

Sometimes, just talking to your doctor can help. Sometimes just talking to your friends and family can help. Sometimes you might need another person to talk to and that is absolutely okay! 

I promise you that the counsellors you see on TV are not real. They are not robots. are just as human as we are.

As per usual, I will tell you about my experience because I feel it is important to know that however I appear to the public, I have still struggled in my life and asking for help only made me stronger.

When I was 14, I saw two counsellors. I saw the school counsellor, who bless her heart was not that much help. Then, I saw a company called Connexions. They were amazing. They really made me feel less alone. When I spoke about my self harm, they didn’t flinch or pull a face. They understood. I am so lucky to have had a great counsellor because if I didn’t, I’m not sure I would of continued with talking therapies.

But I did.

When I was 19, I needed help again. I had Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and my god, I was the worst ‘patient’. I missed so many appointments and never did my homework but when I finally pulled myself together and went, it changed my life. It made me really look at everything in my life and all my thought processes. I seemed to live by one thought that was destroying everything I did; “If I’m not the best, I’ll be a failure and I’ll be alone and no-one will love me”. I would constantly try and achieve but it was never good enough. I knew I could always do better. How exhausting! Constantly never feeling good enough and the only person making me feel like crap was me. So I changed my thoughts to “You can only try your best and whether you succeed or fail, the people who truly love you will be there no matter what”. That was a weight lifted off my shoulders. To this day, I think about my new thought every time I struggle with something. It really changed my life. One thought changed my life.

Now, I am 23 years old and I am receiving two types of talking therapy. I see a support worker at an alcohol and drugs misuse service in Brighton called Pavilions. I would possibly call it counselling although I’m not sure that is the right word. They are really supportive with my choice to be sober and they reinstall how much I am achieving and how great that is. Sometimes, you need to hear that from an outsider!

As well as this, I am having psychotherapy. Every week for an hour, I talk to someone and we work on things I may have suppressed. I know inside me there are emotions I am still yet to deal with so I have to dig deep in those sessions to really get the most out of it. I nearly didn’t go because I started to feel better again and thought I didn’t need it. But I’m glad I did. I love it. It helps me really clear my mind and feel in control of my life.

I know that I will probably face new demons in the future and that’s okay because there are so many wonderful resources out there who can support me if only I ask for it!

Talking therapies that can help you…

A lot of mental health awareness advertisement is centred about speaking out and it’s there for a reason. Talking works. Sometimes when you verbalise something, it becomes real and you have to face it. It can be very scary but once you face your fears, nothing feels better.

There are soooo many different types of talking therapies for various mental health issues, you just have to find the right one!

Let’s start with the most obvious…

Counselling

Counselling can usually be accessed through the NHS and can involve 6-12 sessions. It is great for people who are struggling with a current situation such as:

• relationship issues
• anger issues
• bereavement
• redundancy
• and many more!

Sometimes, just talking to someone neutral and getting advice on what to do is enough to get you back on your feet.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

CBT helps you to think more positively about life and to change those unhealthy thought processes and behaviour patterns into positive ones! It looks at your current situations as well as your past situations and works towards a better future.

This normally involves setting a goal and working on through out the therapy which can last 6-12 sessions. CBT can also be available on the NHS.

CBT is particularly great for:

• depression
• anxiety
• panic attacks
• phobias
• obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
• post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• some eating disorders

You can also use CBT online resources which are great!

Psychotherapy

Welcome to Freud… only joking.

Psychotherapy mainly looks at how you past has influenced your present and your present life choices. Psychotherapy is good if you have had recurring or long-term problems in your life.

You can have psychotherapy on the NHS as well as privately.

Psychotherapy can help those with:

• depression
• anxiety
• bordeline personality disorder (BPD)
• long-term illnesses
• obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
• post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• eating disorders
• drug misuse
• other significant emotional problems

Mindfulness-based therapies

Mindfulness-based therapies help to work on your thoughts and feelings without becoming consumed and overwhelmed by them.

Techniques such as meditation, gentle yoga and mind-body exercises are involved to help individuals cope with stress.

It can also be combined with CBT!

Mindfulness-based therapies can help with:

• depression
• stress
• anxiety
• addiction

There are so many different types of talking therapies and some are really specific to your personal problem. Some may cost and some may be free. Some may take a long time and some may take a couple of weeks. But they are worth a try!

There is nothing weak about talking about your problems. If something is making your life hard, no matter how minor or silly it seems, it is a problem and a problem needs to be solved.

Counsellors, therapists, support workers etc are there to help you and support you on your journey forwards so do not fear them. If ever you are talking to a professional who you do not agree with or do not feel comfortable with, you are within your right to contact the service you are using and change who you see.

If you do not feel ready to see someone face-to-face and you just want to offload to someone, there are various helplines and websites you can use. You can either call the helpline for a chat or send them an email for advice. It can be really helpful to send an email if you don’t know how or aren’t ready to verbalise how you feel yet. You can also send texts and write letters and there are apps to download!

You can also develop some positive coping strategies. Write a song or a story. Do some colouring. Go for a run. Go to the gym. Start a blog. Keep a diary. Watch a film. Listen to music. Find things that help you cope positively!

Here are some links to helplines:

0300 123 3393 – Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

116 123 – Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

08444 775 774 – Anxiety UK www.anxietyuk.org.uk

0844 967 4848 – No Panic www.nopanic.org.uk

0845 390 6232 – OCD Action www.ocdaction.org.uk

0845 120 3778 – OCD UK www.ocduk.org

0800 068 4141- Papyrus www.papyrus-uk.org

0300 5000 927 – Rethink Mental Illness www.rethink.org

0845 767 8000 – SANE www.sane.org.uk

0808 802 5544 – Young Minds www.youngminds.org.uk

Below is an NHS website link with more helplines, some of which are specific…

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx

 

 

 

A genetic predisposition to my alcoholic behaviours?

Whilst I have overcome many things in my life and I know I am a strong individual, everyone needs a little support every now and again.

I had been referred to an alcohol and drugs misuse service and I hoped that this was a way forward. I have previously had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) many years ago and I still remember and use the tools I learnt. However, I thought I’d take a different approach and see if there was a way to tackle my issues around alcohol head on and I thought this would be it.

Yesterday was my second meeting and whilst the two ladies I have met are lovely and seem great at their job, they both had the same look when looking at me.

Almost sad and wanting to help but not sure how to help. There is a lot of help for dependency on alcohol but not for those who binge drink.

It’s okay though, I kind of expected it. But I felt very isolated.

However, both seem shocked at my knowledge around the subject.

I know that I am on medication that does not mix with alcohol. I know that a close family member reacts the exact same way to alcohol. I know that I have tried many behavioural techniques to control my actions under the influence of alcohol. I know why I want to stop and why I need to. I know my life is 100% better without alcohol and 100% worse under the influence. Yet, I still feel like something is missing.

I will always take responsibility for my actions, however, I really feel that the switch that flicks inside of me once I have consumed alcohol has got to be a large genetic influence.

I told one of the ladies about my family member who is the same. She thought this was interesting and told me about “The Asian Gene”.

A syndrome officially known as “The Asian Flush” is where a person of asian descent suffers from bright red flushes to their face and neck and they can also suffer from dizziness, racing heart rates and anxiousness. As well as the main percentage of individuals who have this syndrome are from Asian descent, others can have it too.

I don’t believe I have the syndrome BUT this made me feel a little at ease that there are a large group of people who have an intolerance to alcohol. Maybe there could be something more?

So, I continued my research AND FOUND RESULTS.

A study was conducted in 2010 around the serotonin receptor HTR2b where they found a disruption to the gene which could affect decision making and an individuals amount of self-control when under the influence of alcohol. This could make the individual more prone to impulsive behaviour. However, the study was conducted on violent offenders who had alcohol problems. But still, this was a start.

I continued researching and found a recent study following up the 2010 study. A Psychiatrist in Helsinki called Roope Tikkanen researched impulsive behaviour in 2015 and retrieved information from 14 individuals who carried the mutated gene. Tikkanen also had 156 control participants who did not have the gene. His findings were that the carriers of the gene were more aggressive and behaved more impulsively under the influence of alcohol than those who did not carry the mutated gene.

As well this, Tikkanen stated that his most interesting finding was that the 14 individuals who carried the mutated gene showed more impulsive behaviours sober than the 156 control participants (e.g. spending lots of money, impulsive sex, extreme sports).

This study was relatively small and cannot really be generalised BUT it is still incredibly interesting.

I have also said that under the influence of alcohol, there is a point of no return for me where something changes and I become impulsive and partake in risky behaviours that I am less likely to do sober. Most of the time when I am drunk, I am doing impulsive things without even being aware of doing it. It is not until the morning after that I realise the mistakes I have made.

After leaving the service this morning and feeling isolated and alone because I am not alcohol dependent and there is little help for “binged drinkers”, this information has made me a feel a little less alone. 

I am going to continue researching into the HTR2b receptor and alcohol intolerance as I feel there has got to be something more. I love the Nature/Nurture debate but I do believe that alcohol chemically changes you and this has got to have different affects on different people and there has got to be an answer for it!

Hmmm, new research project?… I should probably leave for a lecture now!

Have a great day!

 

 

A brave ranting post to support Suicide Prevention Week. Choose life!

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, September 7th-13th

Have I ever been suicidal? Yes.

Am I dead? No.

Don’t be naive and brush suicide under the carpet and please read this blog post.

This is my story.

(the shortest version possible of a long story)

I am a 21 year old female from a small town in England and I have suffered with depression and anxiety for almost half of my life. I’m not ashamed and any one who criticises me for it is not important to me because depression is something I have, it isn’t who I am.

I really feel the best way to come to terms with any type of depression or mental health is to talk about it. Whether that means going to see a therapist, talking to a friend, going to help group, calling a helpline or even writing a blog.

I also believe honesty is the best policy. When you admit theres a problem, you are on the road to recovery without even knowing it.

When I was 14 years old, I had one of the toughest years of my life. I was confused about my sexuality and found myself in a relationship with a girl who honestly destroyed me. I introduced her to my friends and she took every single one from me. People that didn’t even know me, that had never met me, didn’t like me and teenagers don’t hold back especially when they can cyber bully. In school, I felt I had a good circle of friends. I wasn’t popular and I didn’t want to be, I just wanted to be me. I was confident and driven. She took that from me. I didn’t want to go to school anymore and when I finally did, I changed all of my classes. At break times, I had no one. I would cry all the time. At the same time, I had experienced a violent encounter with a family member which was damaging and I was also attacked in a park by a drug addict. As if things couldn’t get worse, right? It was horrible and I really hope that no one experiences what I did but I know that they probably will. I began self harming with anything I could find. I’d lost my get up and go. I didn’t care anymore. I felt trapped and I honestly felt that the only way to escape all this pain and suffering to was to end my life. I thought about it several times and I made plans. I’d run away too. I made pathetic suicide attempts and looking back, I think I really just wanted to be saved. I think a lot of severely depressed people feel that they just wish someone could save them. Although, they wouldn’t admit that, why would they? Surely that would make them an attention seeker? Something I was labeled as but I never was. I was just lost in my thoughts and I needed help. My parents didn’t know how to cope, no one did but luckily, I got counselling and it really did help. I began to make new friends and build myself back up and before I knew it, I was happy again. It took a long time but I made it back.

When I was 19, my step-dad walked out on my mum. He had cheated on her and gotten his mistress pregnant. My mum was always a strong person but this broke her. It broke me too. A lot of people didn’t understand how I felt. They didn’t realise that not only had he left my mum after 15 years but he had left me too. He was like a father to me. After he abandoned us, so did his family. I was angry and I thought I didn’t care. I felt like I had to be strong for my mum and as she was so distraught, I subconsciously refused to be distraught in front of her. This left so much damage. My mum was suicidal and she couldn’t cope. She couldn’t eat and she couldn’t work. If she couldn’t do that, how could she be a mother to be as well. I had a support network but I still felt more alone than ever. A few month later, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. In my opinion, we just grew up and apart and I felt I wasn’t letting him live his life because he was so involved in helping me. I was sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. So not only had I lost my step-dad but also my boyfriend and this meant I lost somewhere to live. For a short while, I was homeless. My mum had lodgers in my old room so I couldn’t go home and I stayed on friends sofas for a while. I eventually ended up living at my nan and grandad’s.

Then, I found my self in a new relationship. it was destructive and I think I knew that but I was depressed and I think there was a part of me that still didn’t care. I ended up in this relationship for 10 months. Luke, my boyfriend, was a best friend before he was a boyfriend and I thought he would look after me. He did until his drug habit became more important. I began smoking because I didn’t care. Drugs surrounded me and I didn’t care. I drunk too much and I didn’t care. I just simply didn’t care. I would drink myself to the point of depression so self harming wouldn’t hurt anymore. I would regularly walk out of college classes to sit in the toilets and self harm. I was becoming obsessed. My life was a mess. I went to the doctors and told them I couldn’t cope and they prescribed anti-depressants. I felt like a zombie. Stupidly, the first brand they gave me can actually make young people more depressed and funnily enough, it did. At this point, I really didn’t care. I kind of began to like not caring. I would go into “Fuck It” mode. it was easier than caring. But my arm became too sore and the alcohol wasn’t cutting it anymore and I knew this wasn’t me and that I had gotten lost again. I contacted my doctors and got in touch with a company called ‘ITALK’ who literally saved my life. I was probably one of the worst patients because I wouldn’t always go to my sessions because FUCK IT mode would get in the way but I’m glad I stuck it out. When I went, I was completely broken. When I finished, I was nearly back to my good self. I was sick and tired of begging my boyfriend to stop doing drugs and to think about my mental state. I moved into a flat for 2 months which he used as a night club and would come round and trash it. He didn’t care. He would push his habits in front of me and surrounded us both with people who had no ambition and their only fun in life was drugs and alcohol. My boyfriend started to disgust me and with a lot of courage and strength, I left him and moved in with my dad. I stopped self harming and began finding myself again.

I was a lot stronger and I made new friends. It was now the summer time and I was out partying all the time. I also practically lived at the beach. I met a new guy called Martyn. I thought anyone could easily be better than my ex. Martyn drove and had a job and told me his ambitions. What I didn’t realise was that he had a really bad past with drug habits and he had lost his license from drink driving and that his ambitions were empty words. I still to this day believe that he is lost like me. He has everything to be something in this world yet he doesn’t take the chances he is handed. Martyn was also older and introduced me to a new life. This life was good for a few months until my depression creeped up on me and I had to tell him what I was going through. A decent person would of been supportive. Instead, I was labeled again as an attention seeker. Nice. I should of left him then but something made me stay, I thought he was naive and never had to witness depression so I gave him a chance. Long story short, he became heavily intro drugs and would continue to drink and drive. He was paranoid and jealous of anyone who spoke to me and accused me of cheating all the time. He would want my full attention and time but I never got it back. I would constantly stare at his back because his computer was far more interesting than asking how my day went. Again, I’d met someone who had gotten lost in the world of drugs and alcohol and like a whirl wind, I was swept up too. It’s crazy how drugs can make people lose touch with reality. I was no longer important. Martyn would disappear for a few nights and then would come back from his bender and accuse me of doing something wrong. I was giving him money and spending money I didn’t really have to try and fix our relationship. When we were alone, he would get upset and tell me how he doesn’t want that life too and how he wants a good life with me but again they were empty words. Sometimes people can’t come up to your level so they try and bring you down to theirs to make them feel better. I was constantly going into FUCK IT mode and I was self harming again. I knew I didn’t want this. I had just gotten a new job which I loved and I couldn’t live like this. I couldn’t have these people in my life. I would never get a career. Martyn, like Luke, didn’t care about me anymore. I would beg him to stop and to think about what he was doing to us and to me but instead he would leave me drunk and crying on my own. After months of finding the strength, I finally woke up one morning and I had had enough. I left Martyn for the last time and stayed back at my dads.

I was heart broken for a while especially after finding out Martyn had been cheating on me. I think I was more angry at myself for constantly putting myself in stupid positions. Even though I had left Martyn, I was craving something. I don’t know if it was personal contact or just general attention. It’s strange leaving a controlling, horrible relationship because I should of been happy but I wasn’t. This was when my drinking began to destroy me. I thought going out and partying like I did in the summer I left Luke would solve all my problems but it only made things worse. I began becoming stupid and aggressive. I would get drunk to tell men how much I hate them and FUCK IT mode really came into play. I would get into taxi’s with strangers to get home or I would wander home alone at 4 in the morning. I would steal peoples drinks and pre drink the most revolting things just to lose control of myself. I guess I had been out of control for such a long time, it was more comfortable to be that way. It got worse when I had no money and I began losing my memory of what happened the night before. My friends couldn’t control drunk Kelly and I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what. One of the last straws was losing my phone on a night out and ending up at an ex’s house. My parents thought I was dead. I may as well of been. I’m so disgusted for letting myself end up that way. After a lot of crying and headaches, I stopped drinking. I cut off a hell of a lot of people and I started writing a blog. Stopping the drink was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do a long with stopping self harm.

Self harm, drugs, alcohol and even wasting money, binge eating, wreckless behaviour is all a form of DSH (Deliberate self harm) and it’s not ok. I would use one of these as my coping strategies but they would only last 5 minutes until  how I really felt popped back up. I had to learn new healthy ways to protect myself. I would write music, write blogs, draw pictures, listen to music, go to the gym, go for a drive, call a friend and 9 times out of 10, it worked better than a quick 5 minute fix.

Funnily enough, each time I feel deeper and darker into depression but each time there was some kind of spark that ignited in me reminding me that I have been here before. There has been several times in my life where I have felt that I couldn’t live any more and every time I have felt like that, I have stood up and fought to find myself again.

I feel for a 21 year old, I have been through a hell of alot. Several addictions, self harm, domestic abuse, homeless leading to deep depression and anxiety.

What I am trying to say is that every time something has happened, I have thought and done the worst and I have used stupid coping strategies. I have attempted suicide. Some people see it as cowardly but I understand what it’s like to be so deep and dark that you feel consumed by your thoughts and feelings and there is no way out.

Well there is. I promise. I managed to fight through all of my hard times. It wasn’t easy but I did and you can too.

I used therapists including hypnotherapists, counselling, CBT, prescribed drugs, blogging, help lines and more.

There is so much help out there, you just need to want it and sometimes, you need to show people that they want it too.

I know that my depression will come back to visit me. It will wave its big black claws at me reminding me it’s still there but each time, I have had more strength and courage and I feel stronger than ever.

Now, I have the most supportive boyfriend I could ask for. A great family life. Some of the best friends. I am back studying at college and I plan to go to Uni in a year. I regularly work out which helps me a lot! I still have my moments but now, I have a life worth living for.

Keep strong.

Please feel free to message me with any questions you have or if you just need someone to talk too.

You don’t have to sober up but please, GROW UP!

I haven’t posted in a long time but I have been ridiculously busy!

So, long story short, I started drinking again for my boyfriend and best friends birthday’s just before my travels to Europe. I didn’t plan on drinking a lot in Europe but if anyone knows anything about tours and a company called Topdeck, its basically there to get you drunk. I felt in control and I had an absolutely great time. There were one or two nights where I had too much to drink but hey, I’m learner again and as soon as I realized this, it put everything into perspective even more. I feel more in control than ever.

The real reason I am writing this post is because I went out in the town where all my drinking drama happened. My friend invited me down to spoons, a cheap place to drink, and there were a mix of friends going so I thought why not I have nothing else to do?! If I didn’t go I would of sat in and stared at the list of Uni choices I have before driving myself crazy.

Anyway, I went and I drove. I decided I didn’t really care to drink but I would have one. I picked my friend up as well as another friend and we went to town. It was all good… for a while. I could of predicted what would of happened but I really didn’t want that to be true.

Firstly, an ex boyfriend was there. I didn’t even notice until my friend pointed out. I was going to go over and say hi, I mean we were over years ago and I am well and truly past that, until he walked past with his friend who stopped and made a comment as if to be like YEAH I KNOW SHES HERE. Seriously? If I’ve grown up why haven’t you?

 

Then, there were a few people there who I guess were friends or acquaintances in the past. Some I had a few problems with and some I didn’t but again, all of the pathetic minute arguments that occurred were years ago but yet, I was still made to feel awkward. Why is saying hello back so hard? Or maybe they’re just rude?

Then, as everyone got more intoxicated and I didn’t, I realized how much this wasn’t me anymore and how much I hated where I was. I really didn’t want to be there. Girls who were clearly just 18 were staring me up and down, there were groups of guys all trying to be louder than each other. Everything was a competition.

The worst thing was it was all the same people. I stopped drinking in December 2014 and it is now September 2015. That’s nearly a year ago and the same people are in the same pub doing the same thing as they were a year ago.

So, I left and now I am sat in my car writing this blog and I couldn’t feel more at home. I don’t want that life anymore. No way in hell. If I’m going to drink, it’s going to be in a welcoming environment where I feel safe with people who I love and care about.

It makes me feel so proud of where I am. Don’t get me wrong I don’t think I am any better than those people I saw tonight but I am just glad that I have bettered myself. This time next year I will be off to University and starting a career and a life for myself. To be honest, I can’t wait!!!!!

Welcome to Round 2: Sobriety – The After Life

So, on 19/07/2015 I decided to have my first drink in just over 7 months and to be honest, it wasn’t very exciting.

I had been battling with myself during those seven months, wondering when I was to have an alcoholic drink again and I think I had built up this ‘first drink’ into something it most certainly wasn’t!

Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret having a drink. Yes, it would of been nice to complete a years sobriety but I didn’t feel like I needed too.

Having alcohol again feels like I’m in a competition and I’ve made it to the next round. I did what I set out to do. I stopped drinking. I battled with the fact my friends were going out getting drunk. I changed my social life. I made new friends. Most importantly, I got to the point where I realised I didn’t want a drink. I didn’t really miss it. It would reach 5pm on a friday and the last thing I thought of was ‘I need a drink’ and that was when I knew I had won.

NEXT ROUND.

Now, I’ve broken my sobriety and I could have a drink whenever I wanted. Luckily, I still don’t really fancy one. I went camping with my boyfriend and it was amazing. We had a great time but I had this sudden urge to drink. In the past, when I had gone on holiday or it was a big event, I would just think of alcohol. I associated alcohol with fun for such a long time and I guess going away on holiday was just a trigger to my old ways of thinking. I did have a drink on holiday. I had a few. It was nice and it was controlled and I didn’t need to down anything or have an urgency to feel really drunk.

However, having that alcoholic drink didn’t make my night worse and it didn’t make my night better. I felt I could of easily had a mocktail version or something else to drink and I still would of had a great night.

And I did have a good night. Although, there’s always going to be a downside to it:

• the urge to pee through out the night,

• the dehydration which is just irritating

• and the headache I endured for a few hours the next morning. I had a slight headache and I hate headaches. I had a headache after one fruit flavoured cider. I used to drink ten times that amount and some how I didn’t die?

So, my next challenge really is to know when to drink. I’ve decided it comes down to this:

The Situation

Am I celebrating something? Is it a birthday? Or am I drinking because I’ve had a bad day at work?

The Company

Am I in good company? Do these people care about me? Do I feel comfortable drinking around these people? Do I feel peer pressured?

The Mood

What sort of day have I had? If I’m not feeling great, physically and/or mentally, will drinking help?

The Cons

Do I have to get up tomorrow? Can I afford to drink?

By answering these questions, I should be fine. I think I answer them subconsciously anyway. I’m going to be okay and I don’t feel worried at all. Having that drink has actually lifted a massive weight off my shoulders and I feel, from now on, that when I have a drink I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it because it is going to be at the right time for the right reason.

I’m a mind reader, a fortune teller and I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve been stuck in this mood recently and its very difficult to free myself from it so I’ve decided to blog it.

Here goes nothing…

Recently, I feel rubbish. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel like I am competing. I feel on edge like any move I make could ruin something good.

This feeling of ‘not being good’ enough was a big damaging thought to myself and affected me up until I was 19 when I had CBT and learnt to fight these thoughts. However, sometimes, I’m too tired to fight. Sometimes, I just have to sit and bare with this thoughts and it’s not nice.

Don’t ask me why I feel like this because I don’t know. Nothing major has happened. Nothing to cause reactive depression. Just my good old self. This can almost be a punishment in itself. It’s like your thoughts reminding you that you’re not ‘normal‘… whatever that means.

The last few weeks, my anxiety has shot up and my depression is creeping up on me again. Silly little coping strategies seems so tempting.

I’ve been comfort eating. Well it didn’t work because now, I feel fat.

I’ve become a serious social media stalker. I can’t help it. I keep looking at everything and everyone. It’s as if I’m looking for something so I can prepare myself for the worst.

Luckily, I have had CBT before and it really changed my life. I know that the last few weeks I have been using several irrational thought processes such as All or nothing, Jumping to conclusions, Mind reading, Fortune telling and ‘Should’ statements.

All or nothing

This is where you go from one extreme to the other. I used to live my life like this. For a couple of days, I would eat healthy, work out, save my money, study and then I would go into ‘fuck it’ mode and be unhealthy. I’d spend my money, binge eat, drink, smoke. But all this did was make me feel guilty and hate myself a little bit more so then, I’d plan how I’d get my life back on track and the vicious cycle would begin again.

Jumping to conclusions

I rarely do this anymore but when I do, it can be so damaging. For example, seeing a picture of my boyfriend with an ex. I would feel like crap because lets face it, who wants to see that. Then, I would have thoughts such as ‘oh he must of loved her’, ‘he’ll never love me like that’, ‘she was probably the love of his life’, ‘I might as well be single and stop myself from future hurt’. None of this is helpful and it is completely irrational.

Fortune telling

This is linked into ‘Jumping to conclusions‘. This is where the ‘I may as well end my relationship and give up’ or ‘I’ll never do well at college so what’s the point’ comes from. Rationally thinking, the only person stopping me from getting what I want is myself and I can’t tell the future. I think I battle with this one because it is mainly over things I can’t control.

Mind reading

This is where you believe someone has an opinion of you without even asking them their opinion. Several thought patterns will stem from this because we believe something we’ve decided in our own minds, instead of asking the opinion of others. I don’t do this as much as I used to and it’s a habit I want to get out of. For example, telling someone how you feel and you think they believe you’re an attention seeker or you’re being pathetic. This then stems to not talking at all and spirals into further irrational thinking. This is also linked to ‘Jumping to conclusions‘. Again, we can’t read minds and it is good for us to talk to others.

Should statements

I should of gone to the gym. I shouldn’t of eaten that flapjack. This can link to ‘All or nothing‘. I feel so guilty after I should or shouldn’t have done something, that I go into fuck it mode and away we go. To be honest, I have done really well fighting this because I have learnt to not regret things, life is too short and just because I missed the gym or whatever, the world isn’t going to end.

As much as I’d love to go round asking everyone I care for to support me and tell me how much they love me every time I feel like this, it doesn’t happen. People need to realise we do not get our happiness from others, it does contribute but we control our own happiness. Plus, if every time I felt like this, I went to my family, friends, boyfriend etc they’d probably think I was emotionally unstable haha.

What I need to do is challenge my thoughts.

• I should of gone to the gym can turn into I didn’t go to the gym today because I didn’t feel like it but thats okay because there’s plenty more time to go this week.
• My boyfriend will never love me like her will turn into despite how strongly I feel for my boyfriend, if he doesn’t feel the same then there is nothing I can do and if he doesn’t realise how much I am worth, then he’s not worth my time.
• I’m getting fat so I’m going to binge eat turns into okay so you’ve gained a few pounds, you can easily lose them again. It’s barely noticeable and you are hardly fat. If anyone were to comment on my weight then they’d be no importance to my life.

Challenging irrational thoughts are the best because you realise how silly you were to begin with.

Every emotion is real but not every thought is the truth.

So, I’m going to take my mums words of wisdom and go “Back to basics“. Make time to watch that TV show I want to watch. Read the next chapter in my book. Get up early enough to have a cup of coffee and chill. Have a nice relaxing bath. Look after myself.

To drink or not to drink? That is the question.

Recently, I have spent a lot of time battling my thoughts. A few questions have crossed my mind;

• When am I going to start drinking again?
• Am I going to drink when I go travelling?
• Am I feeling anxiety or jealousy?

Not only have I been battling my thoughts but I’ve been battling my dreams. I’ve constantly been dreaming and drinking. From getting drunk and ruining everything to having one drink and ruining everything.

I thought I was maybe ready to have a drink again but after what I’ve experienced in the last few weeks, I’m not so sure.

I’ve really started to feel anxious in the last month. This is probably to do with the opportunities I have been given as well as being in a new relationship.

So when am I going to start drinking again? I really don’t know. My mind changes weekly and this is why I know I’m not ready to drink. I need to stop questioning myself and just let things be.

Am I going to drink when I go travelling? I think this is always going to be a difficult question. I’m not going travelling unit August which would mean I will be 7 months sober. The thought of having a traditional German beer excites me as well as having a toast with my best friend for the fact we actually went and did it! But am I wanting to do this because it is a social norm to celebrate with a drink? Or experience a foreign drink? I don’t know. The reality is I’m not going to have an answer until nearer the time so I need to just let this one go.

Am I feeling anxiety or jealousy? My boyfriend works in a bar and like most people, he sometimes has a drink after work. His new hobby is making cocktails and he’s recently bought spirits and mixers as well as a cocktail kit. Don’t get me wrong, Jordan is completely supportive of my sobriety and I have no problem with him having a drink. However, it is still hard. When I see Jordan have a drink to unwind or the fact he’s going to his work do at the weekend and will most likely get very drunk, I get this strange feeling. A mixture of feelings but I can’t decide what it is. Am I anxious because I know Jordan could behave recklessly like I used too? Or feeling jealous because I can’t join him? I can’t decide. I think it’s more anxiety because I really care about Jordan and I have to trust him but it does annoy me sometimes that people can go out and drink and have fun when I’m here being sober.

I went away for the weekend with my mum. We spoke about many things and I reflected a lot. I’ve realised that I am heading down the best road possible for me. I am going back to College which will hopefully lead to Uni, I have the best friends I could ask for, I have met an amazing guy, I am completing my fitness goals by being back at the gym and doing several charity runs this year, I work hard every day, I have a supportive family, I’ve learnt to have fun without substances and best of all, I am sober.

Dreams of a drunken relapse

Recently, I keep having dreams of drinking.

Awake, I’m rarely tempted to drink and when I am tempted, I feel strong enough to say no. However, when I’m asleep, I seem to say yes.

I keep having reoccurring dreams of being in an environment where there is alcohol and I have one drink. Suddenly, I feel really drunk and I go into ‘Fuck it’ mode and continue drinking. I end up drunk, not necessarily making any bad decisions but I still feel guilty. People approach me and seem shocked that I’m drinking and that makes me feel like a failure. Also, I am suddenly surrounded by people who are no good for me. People who drink a lot, take drugs, have no ambition, no loyalty, no life.

I wake up feeling sick but I have instant relief that the dream that felt so real was just a dream.

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer and I had no doubts of having dreams like this. I dreamt about drinking when I first became sober but those dreams slowly stopped.

Now, they’re back.

I’m guessing this is because I’m happy. I’m very happy. Is it a way of testing myself?

Either way, it’s not happening. Not yet anyway.

3 months sober bitches!

The Liebester Award

I haven’t been blogging long but I am bless to be nominated for the Liebester Award by the lovely https://wordsonwhim.wordpress.com.

So, along with the Liebster Award comes some questions. So here are my answers! Do enjoy!

1) Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging as an outlet for when I became sober. I have always been creative and I used to love writing and after writing a couple blog posts, I felt brilliant. I have discovered great things about myself and about others and I believe it has really helped me on my journey.

2) If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

I wouldn’t really change anything. I believe things happen for a reason and I’m making my life better each day. I suppose if I had to pick something then it would be my allergies. Im literally allergic to everything! Animals, dust, perfumes, grass and it sucks. I can get really run down by it all. So, yes, if I had to change one thing, it would be my allergy to life.

3) What are your goals for the future?

I want to live and not just survive. I want to climb mountains and jump out of airplanes. I want to travel the world and meet new people. I want to stay in education as long as it’s available and continue pushing myself to my full potential. I want to become organised with my gym routine and train to the stage that I am happiest. I really just want to be happy. Surround myself with decent, real human beings and live somewhere beautiful. Somewhere that when I wake up every morning, I am grateful to take a breath.

4) Do you prefer books or movies?

I love the thought of books. i have many on my book shelf but I am always busy and never have time to read them. I do watch a lot of movies though. I have a wicked imagination.

5) Do you have any siblings?

Nope. Just plain old me. Although, my mum is now a foster carer so I have a lot of “sister from another mister”‘s.

6) Do you have any pets?

I have a tortoise called Jerry who is my baby boy and will most likely out live me. My mum has 3 dogs which I class as mine also despite not being able to touch them because I will sneeze to death. They’re called Fred, Wilma and Minnie.

7) How many posts have you made on your blog so far?

This will be my 29th blog! Blogging since 15/12/14 yo’.

8) Who is your favourite solo artist/band?

I have a great love for music, all different genres but one artist who has inspired me since I was 14 years young is Taylor Swift. She may have had many boyfriends and you may find her songs annoyingly catchy but she is an amazing performer, an amazing song writer and an amazing person.

9) Do you have a sweet tooth?

I do love a chocolate bar full of popping candy! Although, I eat a lot of healthy food too. I love food and I actually enjoy eating salads and fruit and vegetables but sometimes, you just need that massive vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate sauce!

10) When was the last time you had me-time?

I’ve recently had a week off although I don’t feel like I had much me time. Probably now. i’m supposed to be writing an essay but my brain won’t function and every time I try to write, I just feel like crying so that’s off the cards. Instead, I’ll catch up on some paperwork from work, light some candles and then watch Sons Of Anarchy 🙂

11) What’s your favourite colour? 

Is black a colour? I love black. In fact, I wear it every day. It just looks smart but of course I throw in some colour to make it pop. I like bright pink, dark purple, dark red, emerald green, pale pink and my new favourite is blue. I never thought I would go through a phase of liking blue but here it is…

So I’d just like to thank https://wordsonwhim.wordpress.com again for nominating me. It really did put a smile on my face. Now it’s my turn to nominate!

I NOMINATE:

https://watergirlblognz.wordpress.com

https://stopwineingstartliving.wordpress.com

https://sosoberchic.wordpress.com

Questions:
1. Why did you start blogging?
2. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
3. What are your goals for the future?
4. Which do you prefer, books or movies?
5. Do you have any siblings?
6. Do you have any pets?
7. How many posts have you done in total since starting your blog?
8. Who is your favourite singer/band?
9. Do you have a sweet tooth?
10. When was the last time you had some ‘me time’ to relax?
11. What is your favourite colour?

Award Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Answer 11 questions
3. Nominate other bloggers who deserve the award
4. Ask them 11 questions
5. Put these rules in your post
6. Inform the bloggers you have nominated

I returned to the depths of hell… sober

In the town I live in, there is a well known “night club” called Emmas.

It’s basically a bad school disco and it can only be a laugh if you are ridiculously drunk. Wetherspoons is a few shops up from Emmas so basically the plan is; Pre drink, Spoons til you’re pretty wasted and then Emmas “nightclub”. I rarely see them turn people away because it only is bearable if you are very intoxicated.

If this still looks like a good night out to you then imagine…

Imagine a box room. Some tragic coloured lights. A really wet and sticky floor. A small bar with over-priced drinks. Cougars wearing next to nothing grinding on each other. Then in come the Matlows. Then it becomes, as my friend Alex calls it, a “Cock Fest” where there’s 80% male and 20% females. You get the regular old bald men sitting in the corner watching the young girls bump and grind. As usual, you get the easy girls who just want male attention who like to eat peoples faces.

As I said, this is bearable when you have had countless shots as well as mixers.

Well I hadn’t had this much alcohol. In fact, I had no alcohol at all. Just red bull. A LOT OF RED BULL.

Okay, so maybe the red bull wasn’t a good idea. I had regular comedowns off the caffeine and I eventually crashed out for nearly 12 hours when I got into bed!

It was nice to see my friend Alex and I was grateful that she was being sober that night with me. True friendship. We always said when i stopped drinking that we would go to Emmas sober just for a laugh and to be honest, it was pretty funny.

I saw the world through different eyes. I’ve already seen unattractive drunk girls but this was still as shocking. I’m embarrassed that I probably looked like those I saw that night.

Also, I felt like I was better than that place. It’s not that I’m big headed but where I wasn’t drunk and acting like those around me, I wasn’t being gobby or loud, I wasn’t falling over the place. I was poised and composed and I was being myself. I felt out of place but clearly, thats a good thing. I don’t want to fit in to a place like that.

My life really is different now. I was starting to feel rubbish about my sobriety but going to Emmas sober has restored my faith in my decision. I did make the right idea and I’m going to continue to be sober until I feel comfortable and confident enough to have a drink but I don’t see that happening in the next few months.

Happy Sunday everyone, have a good week!