I have a really big issue with who I was and who I am now. Besides going through a lot myself, I constantly feel guilty for people who knew me before I was sober.
I remember times that I’d be drunk and gobbing off to people. I didn’t care what I said or what I did to others whilst I was drunk.
Even before my drinking became bad and I was an emotional, angry teenager who couldn’t deal with anything.
I feel awful for the people who stuck by me throughout everything because sometimes, I could be really nasty and selfish.
Because of this, I feel like I owe people something. I’m not sure what it is I owe them but sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.
I’ve tried to reconnect with people through social media. Sometimes it works and sometimes, it doesn’t.
I’ll sit for ages thinking about what people would say about me. If someone was to describe me, what would they really say?
It’s so silly because I don’t care for the negative opinions of others now but if they have some connection to my past, I feel like I have something to apologise for and something to prove.
It normally ends up in feeling really shit about myself and I become weak, almost wanting to beg for forgiveness.
And the reality is, most of these people hurt me. I may have been an annoyance in their life or have caused them some pain but they also did the same to me. Yet, I still put all the blame on myself.
The truth is no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.
I’m not perfect, I never have been and I never will be.
Just know that everything I have been through, good or bad, has been a valuable lesson.
I don’t hold hate in my heart anymore. People can change.
I just need to find the strength in myself to let go of the past. The present is what’s important to build the best future for myself and by holding on to the past, I am just holding myself back and burdening myself with things that cannot be changed.
Give yourself a break girl, life’s too short.