Please be kind to Students this time of year!

As most of you know, January can be hard for many of us. We feel deflated after Christmas with less motivation, less money and more weight gain. Some of us have experience trauma this time of year and some of us just don’t like the long dark winter days.

It sucks for a lot of us!

But as a student, I can tell you that this time of year is the most depressing, hopeless, isolating, emotional time.

Student mental health is on the decline. The Office of National Statistics figures show 95 recorded university student suicides for the 12 months to July 2017 in England and Wales. That’s not just 95 “sad” students. That is 95 young people who couldn’t cope for whatever reason and made the decision to end their lives. How many other students feel like this but never attempt suicide? How many students attempt suicide and survive? How many are inflicting harm on themselves in other ways? How many are struggling with their mental health? These students do not make it into statistics but I can say, there is an overwhelmingly huge demand at my university for mental health support. Every year, there has been at least one person at my university that has taken their own life.

It may sound so melodramatic. There are so many horrific things to experience in this world and in comparison, being a student is pretty great but please bear in mind what I’m going to say:

Whilst most people have been enjoying their time off at Christmas, I’ve been revising. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun every time I took a day off from revision and enjoyed the Christmas spirit but I still had a looming shadow hanging over me of what I needed to do next.

The last few weeks, I have sat at a computer for most of the day staring at the screen and revising as hard as possible. This has led to isolation as well as sleep deprivation.

My brain is so active from revising that I can’t physically sleep before 2am at the moment. Even if I sleep, it’s broken with vivid anxiety dreams. Then, I set an alarm for 9.30am and get up at 11am earliest. I’m rubbish at getting up early but believe me, even getting up at 11 is a struggle right now.

I then sit at my computer for 4 hours and watch the daylight drain away. Now it’s 4pm and I’m exhausted. Im frustrated. I’m lonely. I’m in need of attention. I probably haven’t eaten properly but I have to carry on because I have too much revision to do and not enough time.

My mental health is declining and I lean towards to the people I love because I can’t seem to motivate myself to even get dressed. This leads to arguments with loved ones because whilst my emotions are real, they are making me irrational and all I want is to be scooped up in a big blanket and cuddled.

Now, I am feeling pathetic. Get a grip girl, it’s only an exam. Right?

Either way, I am now feeling completely and utterly hopeless and defeated. I have days where I revise really well and others where I stare at the computer, hours go by and I’ve done nothing.

I am now starting to doubt my ability to do these exams. I am starting to doubt whether I have the intelligence to be at university. I am now doubting myself.

My doubts become internalised and I now doubt more than my academic achievements. I’m doubting what I look like. I want to get new clothes, dye my hair, get a piercing. I need something new to take this shitty feeling away.

I’m feeling so shit that my brain is feeling triggered by this and I am having random tantrums and moments where I cry for absolute no reason.

My brain also reminds me of everything I’ve ever done leading up to these exams and questioning everything I have ever done. Again, doubting myself.

Like I said, this may seem so melodramatic and trust me, I feel ridiculous right now but the pressure of being a successful student as well as a fully functioning human being who is in control of her shit is too much right now.

I have studied and worked hard all term for this. I am being judged on a 2 hour exam. One module (I have 3 + dissertation) contains about 22 hours of teaching a term. So, all the effort I’ve put into 22 hours teaching plus readings and independent research is being judged in a 2 hour exam where it’s pretty much down to luck because there is no physical way to learn and understand that much information in the time given. And the pressure of all that has led to feeling completely and utterly shit about myself and life right now. University is not easy and a degree is not a joke.

So all I’m asking is for you to be kind to your student pals because we are really fffff’ing stressed right now. We just want to be supported and loved in any way possible.

 

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

I went to the worst place on earth… School.

Today my foster sister went to her school prom and she looked beautiful. She goes to the school that I went to at her age. I wanted to feel happy and enjoy the moment but instead, I felt insecure, anxious and sad. 

We went to a place called Foster Gardens where everyone has their pictures taken. It’s a lovely opportunity for people to meet up with their friends and take group pictures with a pretty background. Perfect for instagram.

However, I noticed so many people alone not having people to take pictures with and it broke my heart.

It reminded me of being at school and feeling isolated. Constantly battling to stay afloat whilst feeling like you’re drowning.

Everyone’s experience at school is different but I really hated school. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning but I hated the social aspect of school.

I was a bubbly, sociable person but I was also insecure and suffering with my mental health. I hated injustice and couldn’t stand bullys which also got me into trouble.

I know I had friends at school and I know there were good times but it is so hard to remember them. Most of my happy memories are crushed by people letting me down or simply worse experiences.

School was the time that I started self-harming and drinking. I constantly felt out of control and I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to people.

When I went to watch the prom tonight, I remembered every single person who bullied me, every time I cried, every time I walked out of school because I couldn’t cope. I remembered all the rumours which were so silly but caused so much drama, all the people who said they were my friend and were not. I remembered the pressure of looking a specific way and I remember the people who got bullied because they didn’t fit the criteria. I remembered it all.

I really hope that the good and decent people never listened to those rumours. I hope that when I was really suffering mentally, people felt sad for me instead of believing that I was an attention seeker. I really hope that any one I ever upset or hurt, they can forgive me because I really am sorry.

And if we went to school together and you see me on the street, at a party, on facebook, then please say hello. And if for some reason I hurt your feelings, definitely say hello. Lets start again!

 

Still learning that self-love

So far on this journey of airy fairy self-love…

I have deleted unhealthy social media pages. I went through facebook, snapchat, instagram and said goodbye to all the fitness pages, healthy eating pages, models, celebrities etc. I knew seeing all these “perfect” people were affecting my mood but it wasn’t until I deleted nearly 300 instagram pages that I truly understood how social media was affecting me in such a negative way.

I’ve also stopped putting pressure on myself. I love working out but to balance university, work and some sort of social life is hard enough without adding the gym into it. Whilst I enjoy going, by making myself go, it becomes a chore and it makes me miserable. I’ve decided that my happiness will not be defined by weight. When I go to the gym, I become addicted (story of my life) and I put pressure on myself to constantly look better. I am never satisfied. From discovering this, I’ve realised I really need to give myself a break. I need to become happy in my own body before working out. I want to work out because I enjoy it, not to increase my levels of happiness due to weight loss.

I’ve realised that what I want most in the world is to be in a healthy loving relationship with a bestfriend and have a happy and healthy family. Such simple life goals. But in order to achieve this, I really need to chill out. I need to let go of the past. There is a lot in my past that I have let go of but for some reason, I define myself and my abilities on the successes and failures of past relationships. Absolutely bloody ridiculous! I know! When I am lonely, I reflect on past relationships and blame myself as the reason I am alone. I know that I have standards and the reason I am single is because the men in my past were just not right for me. We were at different stages of our lives. We were together for the wrong reasons. We wanted different things. Yet, I still punish myself for the failures in my life. I really want to and need to evaluate this section of my thought process. Failed relationships doesn’t make me a failure, it just means I’m strong because I didn’t settle for less.

It frustrates me that I am aware of what I am doing to myself. I’m aware I am punishing myself for something so ridiculous. So, this has got to change. I need to let go of every single person I’ve dated. I’m sick of holding on to memories that will never be the same again. I truly believe that in order to achieve self-love, I’ve got to say goodbye for the last time. It makes me really sad that people can come into your life, change your life and then leave forever. I hold on, hoping that they’ll come back and change their mind or just want to be friends because we did have happy memories. But this is not realistic. It needs to end now. I honestly blame social media for making this so hard. There are always reminders of the past and it’s hard to truly move forwards but I reallllly need to do this for myself. I want to do this for myself. 

Come on Kels, you got this!

Thanks lovers x

My last alcoholic drink

*TRIGGER WARNING*

A year ago today tonight was the last time I drank alcohol.

I went into it with the intention of having fun and I was determined and positive that I could and would control myself under the influence of alcohol.

I was drinking Rosé wine with my boyfriend and I facetimed my mum at around 9pm all happy and giggly.

We then went to my house and played beer pong. I was still laughing by this point. We were ready to go to bed and by this time, I didn’t know what time it was. I went upstairs to the toilet and my boyfriend had just gotten into bed. My best friend called me whilst I was on the toilet and in all honesty that is the last thing I clearly remember.

The night suddenly turned into my worst nightmare and I feel I need to share it. People don’t understand why I don’t drink and I don’t need to justify my reasons why. However, when I tell people that I go crazy, they say “so does everyone” or “everyone has a night like that”, I want you to know that if you only ever have one awful night of drinking, that is a good enough reason for you to want to stop drinking. Don’t feel pressured by society to carry on because English culture is one of the biggest binge drinking cultures in the world.

Anyway, my memory is very vague by this point.

Just remember, I went upstairs happy. Giggly. Ready to come back and cuddle my boyfriend in bed.

I came downstairs and collapsed on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. I then proceeded to scream and hold my head. Mumbling about events I had repressed and also events I thought I had mentally dealt with. I don’t know what triggered this behaviour and that is what is so frightening.

I then became determined again but my determination had changed. It had gone from being determined to have a good night to now, being determined to harm myself.

I pretended to get a drink in the kitchen and took a knife to the bathroom where my boyfriend kicked the door in. I did this repeatedly with other sharp objects. I smashed glass cups, glass bottles and in the end, I smashed my wall mirror.

The strange thing about this is that I didn’t use my fist. I wanted to hurt myself but instead of punching the mirror, I grabbed my can of deodorant and repeatedly smashed the mirror. I then grabbed pieces of the broken glass, ran away and cut my arm.

Whilst this was going on, my boyfriend was trying to catch me, restrain me and calm me down but I only saw red. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I just needed to get what I wanted and in that moment in time, it was to hurt myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my boyfriend’s bed with a sore head. I sat bolt up right with the realisation of what had happened. I looked at my arm which my boyfriend had bandaged up and I felt so empty. I hadn’t been this out of control in 4 years. My boyfriend was fast asleep and I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look at myself.

The feeling I felt whilst out of control drunk was a strangely comfortable feeling but it had to stop. It was dangerous. Every time I reached that level of drunk, I took it to the next step. I’ve never smashed a mirror before to hurt myself. I’d also never hurt myself to that extent before. What if next time I was so drunk that I ended my life. I didn’t want to die. I was just hurting.

The feeling I felt when I woke up that morning is one I will never forget and sometimes it haunts me. It’s not because I felt bad about what I did to myself. It’s because of what I put my boyfriend through. The responsibility of looking after me. Trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Watching them self-destruct and being so determined to harm their body. I then remembered everyone else who had ever suffered in that position. My mum, my best friends, even people who weren’t that close with me but felt obliged to fix me at that moment in time.

I felt disgusted. The person who I became when I was drunk was so detached from who I was sober.

Sober, I would put 100% into my work and my studies. I would go to the gym. I would enjoy spending time with family and friends. I had goals, ambitions, dreams and I was determined to have an amazing life.

But as soon as alcohol entered my system, I was gone and this monster who hated herself came out. She would remind herself of ever traumatic experience she’d been through and make her relive the pain. She was self-destructive and dangerous. But most of all, she didn’t know or remember what exactly she was doing. It was like she had gone into auto-pilot.

Saying that my body and mind had gone into auto-pilot is not an excuse for my behaviour but it is exactly how I felt. My body would continue to act and behave in certain ways and I would have certain thoughts but I would lose my eyesight, my memory and my self-control.

This night was the last night I drank alcohol and I made the biggest and best decision of my life to stop drinking.

I wasn’t giving up something, I was freeing myself and allowing myself to be the best version of who I am.

It is important for me to write this, not only for other people to understand or to relate to and know it is okay to have a problem with substances but it is important to write this for myself.

It is really horrible to remember what I was like and what I did when I was drinking but it is so important. Reflection is incredibly important and it keeps me striving forwards with my sobriety and pushes me forwards to be the person I am and who I want to be.

Lastly, this is an apology. To anyone I hurt physically or mentally whilst I was under the influence of alcohol. You might remember horrible words I said or disgusting behaviour and the worst thing is, I probably don’t remember. So please, forgive me for who I was before I stopped drinking. I was suffering with my mental health and with substance misuse. There is no excuse for anything I ever did but know that I am truly sorry and I am not the person I once was.

Nearly 1 year sober.

Peace out xx

I miss you

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I lay and think about you. I think about all the laughter and the good times. I think about what could of been. I think about how much I miss you. Sometimes I battle with myself to send you a message. I convince myself that I miss you.

Today, I realised I don’t miss you. 

I miss the idea of who I thought you were. 

I lay and think about how amazing I thought you were. How I thought you were the start of something new. How similar we were in so many ways. How compatible we were.

I imagine your face, your laugh, your smile. The way I felt when I was with you. The way you smelt. The comfort I’d feel in your arms.

And I can’t. I can’t remember and I can’t imagine. My thoughts have twisted into a fabrication of reality. I don’t remember what you look like and I don’t remember how you smell.

Because actually, none of that is true. We weren’t compatible. We are not similar. I thought we were because of the outlook I have on life. I had my rose-tinted glasses on.

And then I realise, I miss the idea of you. and by ‘you’, I don’t mean you. I miss the idea of having someone to laugh with. Having someone to run to and tell my exciting news. Having someone to unwind with in front of the tv and relax with. Having someone to love who loves me back.

Sometimes, it can be so hard to distinguish between emotions and feelings. Feeling lonely does not mean I am alone. Feeling needy does not mean I am dependent on others. Feeling sad does not mean I will never be happy again.

All of those feelings and emotions are temporary.

I need to remember the truth and not the false memories my brain is trying to recreate. I have missed you, a lot. I wanted you to turn around and change your mind. and you didn’t. And that’s okay. Because actions speak louder than words and now I remember the truth about the situation. 

So, when I’m next in bed, missing ‘you’, I’m going to remind myself that whilst I’m missing ‘you’ for those 15 minutes in bed because I’m tired, the other 23 hours and 45 minutes in the day, I’m focused, fabulous and fearless.

 

Letting go is the hardest and the strongest thing you can ever do

Being an ambitious person with strong morals, high standards and strong emotions is a gift but also a curse.

It means that the people who stay in your life are truly amazing and you love them dearly but it also means that you have to say “hi and goodbye” to a lot of people. And this means sadness, anger, frustration and what feels like wasted time.

Instead of letting these people go and getting on with my life happily and free of those that reduce the quality of my life, I blame myself.

A lot of the time, I am proud of my strength and my determination for a good life. I love my morals because I treat those how I want to be treated and I won’t accept any less. I refuse to settle. I refuse to be used or played or lied to. I don’t have time for negative energy in my life.

Yet, there is a small part of me that blames myself for when things go wrong. Despite it being my decision to say goodbye, I still feel guilt. I feel guilt for having high standards. I feel guilt for wanting better. I feel guilt for believing that I can be happier without that person.

AND HOW FUCKING BIZARRE IS THAT. I feel guilty for wanting to be happy?

So, I sat and experienced guilt for 15 minutes before telling guilt to fuck off. 

I don’t feel guilty.

I feel frustrated for wasted energy and time. I feel sad for putting energy into something that didn’t want my energy. I feel angry for blaming myself despite trying. I feel excited for my future. I feel relieved for being honest. I feel proud for appreciating my self worth and doing what was right for me.

But I do not feel guilty.

Because I should never ever settle for less and neither should you.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be in it. If you push them away, they will pull you back in. Regardless of hurtful words said or upsetting actions or even just disregard for feelings, if someone wants to be in your life because they value you as an individual, they will sure as hell be in it.

Not everyone you let go is a bad person and sometimes, that makes it harder but again, this does not mean you have to settle.

Just because they are a good person does not mean they are obliged to stay in your life. If they don’t bring you happiness, laughter, kindness and sometimes tears, then they aren’t worth it. If they aren’t consistent or loyal then you can say goodbye. If they aren’t interested in your life then stop listening to theirs.

This may sound selfish but it’s not because I am sure that like me, you would do all of those things for other people. So why should you be a back-up plan or a second choice to a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member… anyone.

You shouldn’t.

So don’t settle and be strong enough to let go of those who aren’t worth your time because who you are is not a curse, it’s a blessing.

 

Having an addictive, self destructive personality sucks and so does this blog post.

I have always had an addictive personality. It really really sucks.

Throughout life, I have been addicted to many things. Some positive like the gym and some negative like drinking and self harming.

I would like to say that I am currently addicted to nothing but my vape. Wahoo go me!

That’s awesome right?

No. I have been having a rough month and usually, due to my addictive personality, I will have a go-to coping mechanism that has stemmed from my addictions.

Whether that be drinking, self harming, smoking, eating, going to the gym, shopping… you name it.

During these recent struggles, I have had no coping mechanism and it is so fucking hard.

I am emotional and overwhelmed.

In all honesty, a hug would probably make this all better but I am away from friends and family at university so regular hugs are out of the question (unless anyone is offering).

I am not just battling with daily life right now. I am also battling with my head. Many people around me will get drunk or take drugs or do something to make themselves feel good after a stressful week and I don’t have anything to make me feel better. The only thing I have got is my strength, knowledge and optimism.

Having these daily reminders of self destructive things that I could do to temporarily fix myself is exhausting. A long and draining battle and some days, losing that battle would be so much easier than hours of tears and tormenting myself.

I feel like I am constantly treading water, trying to keep my head up.

And the worst thing about it is that I am trying everything in my power to be ok. All those typical things you read online about “how to relax” or “how to look after yourself”, well believe me, I’ve done them this month.

After suffering with mental health throughout my life, I know that will pass and I will learn from this. I will be in a really great place again and I’ll forget how it feels to feel this low.

But because I am not looking back on that low moment and I am currently in it, it’s scary and it’s really fucking exhausting.

For anyone reading this and thinking that I am another social media warrior that jumps on the bandwagon of mental health for attention, you couldn’t be any more wrong.

I love being happy. I love laughing. I love exploring and experiencing priceless memories with those I love. I love close relationships. I love life.

And I hate crying constantly. I hate moaning about my life. I hate having to reach out to others for help. I hate feeling needy. I hate it when depression and anxiety creeps back up on me and I never saw it coming.

I guess I will do what I always have done. Keep fighting each moment and each intrusive thought until it passes and hopefully, I’ll be back soon.

 

 

I kind of fell into a long distance relationship…

So, I kind of fell into a long distance relationship.

I always swore it would never happen because I could never make it work. I never wanted to be in a relationship where someone was not right beside me. I am too needy.

Oh how things change.

The problem is: HOW DO I COPE?

Every time I see ‘him’, it’s amazing. It’s the best. If you were to plan a really great weekend, seeing him would it be it. It ticks all the boxes. I am constantly laughing. I am relaxed. I am excited. I am productive. I feel good about myself. I am happpppppyyyy.

But then comes the dreaded morning. Waking up and knowing that in an hour or so, you have to walk him to the train station and say goodbye.

Each time I say goodbye, I tell myself that it will be okay. You won’t miss him as much as the first time. You’ll get used to the distance.

OH. HELL. NO.

What a massive lie I tell myself. I miss him more every day. Every hour. Every second. 

I get so excited to talk to him that when I do, I feel sad. It’s like I have so much to tell him and when he calls, I forget and just feel sad. The words “I miss you” mean so much but they hold that sinking feeling in my stomach every time I say them.

The 2 week wait doesn’t sound like much but it feels like a lifetime and it’s a sickening feeling. Knowing that when they step on that train, it’s a 14 day countdown… again. And despite how busy and distracted with work, uni, friends, family, gym, hobbies or whatever… days drag on. Days are even longer.

I miss him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t see him any sooner. I physically want to grab him and not let him go. In fact, when I do see him, I spend most of the time just touching him and remembering him before he leaves again.

It’s hard and it’s going to get harder. I need to mentally prepare myself and make myself stronger. I just don’t know how. 

After listening to endless amounts of emo love songs and waking up from really nice day dreams of what could be, the sadness comes. 

BUT a notification. A snapchat. A message. A missed call. and even better, an answered call makes it just that little bit more bearable. 

The time we spend together is honest and pure. It is genuine and it’s real. It’s simply amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It keeps me holding on to what ever this is because it is so good. The excitement of seeing him is too much. Waking up next to him is like a dream and I pinch myself so I know it’s real. The public displays of affection mean the world to me. It’s like we are in our own little world and no one else matters. Just us and it’s absolutely perfect.

So I will have to learn to put up with the constant missed calls, waiting for our schedules to match up so we can have a proper conversation, the smell of him on my pillow making me miss him even more, the empty space in the bed, missing the person guaranteed to make me laugh and smile all day. I will have to learn to put up with the distance and the time.

Because in the end, it is all worth it. 

 

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x