Life is pretty good right now. Great family. Great friends. Uni is tough but it’s good. I have a job that I enjoy. Striving towards good things.
But I am angry.
I am so angry.
Not all of the time but now and then.
And being angry is exhausting. I actually feel angry because I feel angry.
The main reason I feel angry is because I was let down by someone I cared about. They let me believe that our relationship was worthy of a future and a purpose. Six months of hopeless conversation, fabrications and fake expectations. Six months of thinking you knew someone and they had falsely advertised who they were all along.
It doesn’t make them a bad person but it’s really hurt my feelings and I’m angry.
There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. There is no need to live up to someones expectations or to play it down to someones expectations. There is no need to make plans with someone who you don’t plan on doing anything with. There is no need spending time with someone and letting them fall in love with you when you know that you are going to walk away so easily.
Because that’s what makes me angry.
We had a great time together but all the laughter and the happiness that were conceived in those moments have disappeared and they’re not coming back. I’m left with bitterness, frustration, confusion and most of all, anger.
It’s not the first time that I’ve been let down and I’m sure it won’t be the last but this also makes me angry. If this has happened to me before, why did I let it happen again? Why did I let my guard down for someone who wasn’t worthy? Why did I alter and negotiate part of my life in order to have them in it? Especially when it was all for nothing.
Pure anger. Anger at them. Anger at me. Anger at the situation.
What a waste of energy. I want to scream. I want to write a really shitty text message. I want to punch them in the face. I want them to be sorry. I want them to apologise. I want a hug. I want them back. I want to feel happy again. Not angry.
But the only thing I can do is to breathe. Cry. Distract. Process.
and to not remember things incorrectly. To not analyse the situation. To not dwell on words said and words unsaid.
Because the anger will pass and I will be okay. I will be great. I will cry with happiness instead of anger and I will scream with excitement and not frustration.
Just taking each day as it comes because knowing that I want to feel better means that I steps ahead of where I think I am.