On the 15/12/2014, I decided to become sober.
Seven months and four days later, I decided to start drinking again.
Today, I am freeing myself from this out of control, all consuming, destructive lifestyle.
The date is 25/02/2017 and I am starting again. I am becoming sober.
I am not becoming sober just because I want to. I want to be sober but more importantly, I need to be sober. Alcohol is not my friend and it is destroying myself, my loved ones and my life.
This is a picture of me as I am writing this…
The sad thing is that this isn’t really me.
The real Kelly works hard with her studies because she wants to be a successful psychologist. She has a part time job. She volunteers with young people. She has a fantastic boyfriend, friends and family. She loves working out and keeping fit. She loves singing and dancing. She loves being silly and she loves life. I am proud of this kelly. When I am sober, I am myself. I am happy and I love who I am.
Does that picture really sum up what I just said? I look sad. I look pathetic. All because last night I did not know when to stop drinking resulting in damages to property, self destructive behaviours towards myself and quite possibly the end to a healthy, loving, perfect relationship. This is not what I want and this is not who I want to be.
Drinking alcohol chemically changes me. I become over emotional, angry, hysterical, self-destructive, aggressive. I am vile. I am not who I am when I am drunk.
I honestly believe if I do not stop drinking that I will cause serious harm to myself and/or to others. To say this is breath taking and in the worst way but I honestly think I will end up dead.
There is no excuse and there is no valid reason as to why I should continue drinking. Suffering from depression and anxiety should be a good enough reason not to drink a depressant. Being genetically predisposed to negative effects of alcohol and witnessing the pain and suffering of someone else drinking themselves into someone else should be a good enough reason to not drink alcohol. Hurting myself because I’m drunk should be a good enough reason to stop drinking. Emotionally draining and damaging my friends and family should be a good enough reason not to drink. Yet, I still think I can beat this monster inside me. The fact is I can’t. I can’t win when I keep drinking.
The only way to win is to not even let this other side of me exist and the only time I see this unattractive, vile version of myself is when I am drunk.
I don’t want sympathy because this isn’t sad. The only reason to be or feel sad is due to what I have said, done or been like in the past due to alcohol. But this is a positive post and I am moving forwards, not backwards. I am not going to restrict who I am and what I do because I have ended up drunk the night before. This is the end of a reoccurring nightmare for everyone who loves me and it is the start of being in control and letting my loved ones know that they don’t need to worry anymore.
This is a promise.
I know these are simply words and actions speak louder so the best apology I can give to those I love is changed behaviour. I am tough and I can do this. I want to do this.
So, from today, I am done. I am freeing myself. I am becoming sober.