I normally try and incorporate humour into my blogs but at the moment, my humour has been eaten alive by my anxiety.
I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time but I generally believed that my main “problem” was depression. However, recently I have felt really out of control and so anxious as if my stomach is having some sort of party and instead of my depression causing my anxiety to flare up, this time it is my anxiety that is slowly bringing back my depression.
I used to be naive and think depression was the big bad wolf but anxiety can be just as bad. Anxiety is stereotyped as not being able to leave the house and constantly worrying etc but its so much worse than that and the most frustrating thing is; there are so many symptoms. One day, you can have a panic attack and the next day you could just suffer with the sense of dread and fearing the worst but one isn’t any worse than the other.
This is the first time I have had anxiety for a long period of time and I really don’t know how to gain control again. My stomach constantly feels sick and my teeth feel so brittle where I am constantly grinding them. The other day, I burst into tears when a friend reached out and acknowledged I was suffering and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. The worst thing was that I was in the middle of the street and I couldn’t stop crying for at least an hour. At the moment, all I want to do is sleep and the worst part about it is… I can’t. I am so exhausted in the day and the last few days, I have fallen asleep for an hour or so because I can’t physically stay awake and this is a vicious cycle because I can’t sleep at night because my mind is turning over and over and even though I am telling myself the rational reasons for my anxiety and I’m trying to stay calm, I still can’t sleep so either way, I can’t win.
I have even started using weird coping strategies unconsciously. I already grind and clench my teeth but recently, I have been biting the sides of my tongue and scratching my hands and it takes a while for to stop because I don’t realise that I am doing it.
I am so exhausted and I just want to know when this will be over?