I wonder if anyone really understands how hard it is to be in an environment where drugs and alcohol are being consumed and to not use either.
It’s not necessarily hard because I want to do those things but it is emotionally and mentally draining. The triggers and constant reminders of what has happened, who you were, who you could be and so much more.
People may look at me like I am boring but I am fucking strong. I’m not sorry for swearing.
I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t touch a drug and I didn’t even smoke a cigarette. The closest to drunk I got was the red wine that was spilt down my jeans by my drunk friend.
On reflection of my choice to go a festival yesterday, why on earth would I go into an environment where everyone is doing the extreme of something I don’t want to do. Am I crazy or am I crazy?
People weren’t drinking to have a nice time. People were drinking to get smashed. They were absolutely lamp-shaded! Everyone. Everywhere. Am I crazy?
It’s like if you were trying to give up smoking, you wouldn’t go and stand with someone smoking. But it’s as if I went and spent my whole day in a packed smoking area with people chain-smoking.
KELLY, ARE YOU CRAY? GIRL, YOU CRAY!
Since last night, I have felt in despair. Desperate. Frustrated. Angry. Why have I been dealt this card? When I submerge myself into environments where there is excessive drugs and alcohol, I always face this question. I act as if not drinking or taking drugs is a punishment. Like I am holding myself back.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
By not drinking I am giving myself a chance at the best life possible. I am freeing myself of things that have a negative affect on myself. I wouldn’t feel bad for giving up cake so why do I feel bad for giving up alcohol? It’s ridiculous. I am not being punished, I am rewarding myself with life.
At the same time, I am so proud of my determinism for a better life. I am proud of the determinism to not take drugs and drink alcohol and I am proud of the control I have over myself despite the constant voices in my head arguing and telling me what I should be doing.
It makes me sad because the only reason I think I should be doing those things is because society has taught me that’s what people do and it is the norm.
The decision to stop drinking was the best one I’ve made and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss it. I don’t think about when I’m going to have my next drink. However, I feel like I am really having to question a lot about my life right now.
So many questions are flying through my head… Like am I going to find a potential life partner who isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time? Will I ever make good friends who aren’t going to get drunk all the time? Are the people in my life right now honestly supporting my decision or are they making it harder? Am I always going to be socialised into a heavy drinking environment? Do I need to be putting up with this shit?
Yesterday’s antics stressed me out so much that I dreamt about drinking alcohol. Ridiculous.
At the end of the day, people have their own lives and their own choices. But I stand by mine. I am proud. So goddamn proud that I am sober. I really love life and I don’t want to die with any regret. So watch this space.
I am sober and I am far from boring.