Is sex just sex or something much more?

Something I have always struggled with is the idea of a one night stand.

I am 23 years old and had my first one night stand 6 months ago and my second not long after.

It only happened twice and I realised, it really wasn’t for me.

I remember when I was 15 and I was in a relationship in which people said “aww young love”, “it wont last forever”, “you’ll want to go and have fun”. At the time, I was furious. If I want to be with this person forever, then let me but for many reasons, the relationship did end.

But I never went out to have a one night stand. I would go out drinking, flirting, teasing guys but I never wanted to sleep with them. Not just once and then say goodbye. The concept just seemed strange to me.

I had 3 more serious relationships since my first and then, I went to University single.

The thoughts that appear when people mention university is ‘fun’, ‘drunk’, ‘parties’, ‘sex’ and never really what university is about which is growing as a person, making friends, gaining knowledge and experience.

So, being single and going to university, I thought this is my time to be “single”. To be sexually deviant. To explore guys and maybe add a couple to my list. Why not? I was 22 and I had been good all my life in relation to relationships. I only slept or ever done anything sexual with my boyfriend at that time. THIS WAS MY TIME TO BE SINGLE… 

…whatever that means.

I had two one night stands. I had to get drunk for them to happen. It was fun… while it lasted but the next morning, I didn’t feel all that great. It was awkward. I didn’t leave feeling empowered. I didn’t really leave sexually satisfied (I can be quite a selfish lover). I actually felt more needy than I ever did before. I had marks on my body which made me feel quite dirty and I hoped no-one asked where they came from. I was just like “well, was that it?”.

Despite having really negative feelings towards myself sometimes, I do value myself as a person. I am more than a cheap fuck. And whilst I would be getting benefits from a one night stand (hopefully not a sexually transmitted one), I hate the thought of feeling used.

I am a person full of knowledge and experience and sometimes, I can be pretty funny. I don’t want to be used and dismissed. My best quality is not my vagina (debatable). I don’t want to be judged on how good I was and compared to other girls. I want to give myself to someone who loves me enough to make love to me at first. To notice all my imperfections when I am lying there naked and vulnerable and still think he is the luckiest guy in the world. To not compare me to his ex’s because they are his past and I am his future. To get to know me sexually and understand what makes me feel comfortable and uncomfortable.

Since then, I’ve been in a relationship and become single again. This time I am really not that fussed about getting my kicks… There are other ways.

I sometimes think maybe this is because I have insecurities and maybe, I should care less but screw it. I like the fact I respect my body and my mind. I like the fact that I have insecurities, it gives me room to grow. And in all honesty, I like getting to know people.

I am not a fuck and chuck.

And like many of you out there who can have a one night stand and appreciate it just as sex and nothing more, I can’t.

And that’s okay.

How boring would it be if we were all the same?