My last alcoholic drink

*TRIGGER WARNING*

A year ago today tonight was the last time I drank alcohol.

I went into it with the intention of having fun and I was determined and positive that I could and would control myself under the influence of alcohol.

I was drinking Rosé wine with my boyfriend and I facetimed my mum at around 9pm all happy and giggly.

We then went to my house and played beer pong. I was still laughing by this point. We were ready to go to bed and by this time, I didn’t know what time it was. I went upstairs to the toilet and my boyfriend had just gotten into bed. My best friend called me whilst I was on the toilet and in all honesty that is the last thing I clearly remember.

The night suddenly turned into my worst nightmare and I feel I need to share it. People don’t understand why I don’t drink and I don’t need to justify my reasons why. However, when I tell people that I go crazy, they say “so does everyone” or “everyone has a night like that”, I want you to know that if you only ever have one awful night of drinking, that is a good enough reason for you to want to stop drinking. Don’t feel pressured by society to carry on because English culture is one of the biggest binge drinking cultures in the world.

Anyway, my memory is very vague by this point.

Just remember, I went upstairs happy. Giggly. Ready to come back and cuddle my boyfriend in bed.

I came downstairs and collapsed on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. I then proceeded to scream and hold my head. Mumbling about events I had repressed and also events I thought I had mentally dealt with. I don’t know what triggered this behaviour and that is what is so frightening.

I then became determined again but my determination had changed. It had gone from being determined to have a good night to now, being determined to harm myself.

I pretended to get a drink in the kitchen and took a knife to the bathroom where my boyfriend kicked the door in. I did this repeatedly with other sharp objects. I smashed glass cups, glass bottles and in the end, I smashed my wall mirror.

The strange thing about this is that I didn’t use my fist. I wanted to hurt myself but instead of punching the mirror, I grabbed my can of deodorant and repeatedly smashed the mirror. I then grabbed pieces of the broken glass, ran away and cut my arm.

Whilst this was going on, my boyfriend was trying to catch me, restrain me and calm me down but I only saw red. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I just needed to get what I wanted and in that moment in time, it was to hurt myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my boyfriend’s bed with a sore head. I sat bolt up right with the realisation of what had happened. I looked at my arm which my boyfriend had bandaged up and I felt so empty. I hadn’t been this out of control in 4 years. My boyfriend was fast asleep and I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look at myself.

The feeling I felt whilst out of control drunk was a strangely comfortable feeling but it had to stop. It was dangerous. Every time I reached that level of drunk, I took it to the next step. I’ve never smashed a mirror before to hurt myself. I’d also never hurt myself to that extent before. What if next time I was so drunk that I ended my life. I didn’t want to die. I was just hurting.

The feeling I felt when I woke up that morning is one I will never forget and sometimes it haunts me. It’s not because I felt bad about what I did to myself. It’s because of what I put my boyfriend through. The responsibility of looking after me. Trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Watching them self-destruct and being so determined to harm their body. I then remembered everyone else who had ever suffered in that position. My mum, my best friends, even people who weren’t that close with me but felt obliged to fix me at that moment in time.

I felt disgusted. The person who I became when I was drunk was so detached from who I was sober.

Sober, I would put 100% into my work and my studies. I would go to the gym. I would enjoy spending time with family and friends. I had goals, ambitions, dreams and I was determined to have an amazing life.

But as soon as alcohol entered my system, I was gone and this monster who hated herself came out. She would remind herself of ever traumatic experience she’d been through and make her relive the pain. She was self-destructive and dangerous. But most of all, she didn’t know or remember what exactly she was doing. It was like she had gone into auto-pilot.

Saying that my body and mind had gone into auto-pilot is not an excuse for my behaviour but it is exactly how I felt. My body would continue to act and behave in certain ways and I would have certain thoughts but I would lose my eyesight, my memory and my self-control.

This night was the last night I drank alcohol and I made the biggest and best decision of my life to stop drinking.

I wasn’t giving up something, I was freeing myself and allowing myself to be the best version of who I am.

It is important for me to write this, not only for other people to understand or to relate to and know it is okay to have a problem with substances but it is important to write this for myself.

It is really horrible to remember what I was like and what I did when I was drinking but it is so important. Reflection is incredibly important and it keeps me striving forwards with my sobriety and pushes me forwards to be the person I am and who I want to be.

Lastly, this is an apology. To anyone I hurt physically or mentally whilst I was under the influence of alcohol. You might remember horrible words I said or disgusting behaviour and the worst thing is, I probably don’t remember. So please, forgive me for who I was before I stopped drinking. I was suffering with my mental health and with substance misuse. There is no excuse for anything I ever did but know that I am truly sorry and I am not the person I once was.

Nearly 1 year sober.

Peace out xx

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

Feeling ‘High On Life’!

Today, I received the best news.

My goal of creating a society for people who don’t drink or take drugs was accepted.

Here, I present: High On Life society!

YAAAAY FRICKING YAYYYY.

After first, we were rejected. We were told there were societies at the university that do not push drinking (boardgames, harry potter, oddsoc). We were also told there is a lot of support at the uni for people who struggle with substances. I felt really misunderstood. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting people with similar lifestyles and not feeling pressured to drink or take drugs.

I decided I wouldn’t give up so I collected statements from everyone who wanted to be apart of the society and wrote an email expressing the high demand for the society. After several emails sent back and forth, we got an appeal. As I was at home, three people in the society volunteered to go in my place and thank god they did because they did a wonderful job! AND WE FINALLY GOT ACCEPTED AS AN OFFICIAL SOCIETY!

University is great but it can also be incredibly hard if you don’t follow the party life drinking student stereotype. In fact, University can be hard full stop, let alone battling with your own life choices not to drink or take drugs.

The society idea came about when I stopped drinking and struggled to find fun things to do that I enjoyed without alcohol or drugs. Whilst, there were societies that do not push alcohol, I did not enjoy their focus e.g boardgames and after searching online for local groups of people who do not drink, I only found people of the older generation. There were also many support groups but I did not want to go to those, I just wanted to make friends who did not drink for whatever reason and have fun, just like I did when I was drinking but without the alcohol.

Many events and nights out are centred around the party lifestyle and despite still loving to party, it can be really hard when your sober to turn up and remain confident without your liquid confidence. Especially when people question you as a person for not drinking. Even more so when people think they can persuade you to drink.

I have nothing against anyone drinking. Most of my friends drink. In fact, all of them do and I love them all. But sometimes, you need that option. You need an option to socialise with people who have a similar lifestyle to you in relation to substances.

I have tried to find people at university who don’t drink or take drugs for whatever reason and I have found it so hard. I started to feel isolated. But hey presto, I didn’t give up and I managed to find people who felt exactly the same as I did!

As well as feeling confident in my life choices now, I feel so relieved that I have found people from all walks of life who do not drink/take drugs for whatever reason. It is so refreshing. I finally feel like I’m not so ‘odd’. Finally, I feel like sobriety or just not obsessing over alcohol and drugs is becoming normality for a lot of people.

High On Life society is going to be three things:

• A sense of belonging: we all want to feel a part of something and all of the societies at university involve alcohol one way or another.
• The chance to network: to finally meet people who choose to have a good time without substances.
• To have fun without pressure: just because we don’t drink or take drugs does not mean we are boring. I am going to make it my mission to prove to the world that you don’t need alcohol and drugs to have fun. We are going to do everything that drinkers and drug takers do, just without the substances.

I can’t describe how happy I am that the society was finally accepted. People can do what they want in their spare time but our socials are going to be fun without substances. To know that when we meet up for socials, people will all be there for the same reason; To have fun without alcohol or drugs. Makes me sooo happy!

PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP. IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL DESPITE BEING TOLD YOU CAN’T!

Ahhhh I can’t even write anymore, I’m tooooo happy 🙂

Kelly, out.

 

 

 

Because going into an environment where people are absolutely smashed is a great idea for a sober person…

I wonder if anyone really understands how hard it is to be in an environment where drugs and alcohol are being consumed and to not use either. 

It’s not necessarily hard because I want to do those things but it is emotionally and mentally draining. The triggers and constant reminders of what has happened, who you were, who you could be and so much more.

People may look at me like I am boring but I am fucking strong. I’m not sorry for swearing.

I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t touch a drug and I didn’t even smoke a cigarette. The closest to drunk I got was the red wine that was spilt down my jeans by my drunk friend.

On reflection of my choice to go a festival yesterday, why on earth would I go into an environment where everyone is doing the extreme of something I don’t want to do. Am I crazy or am I crazy?

People weren’t drinking to have a nice time. People were drinking to get smashed. They were absolutely lamp-shaded! Everyone. Everywhere. Am I crazy? 

It’s like if you were trying to give up smoking, you wouldn’t go and stand with someone smoking. But it’s as if I went and spent my whole day in a packed smoking area with people chain-smoking.

KELLY, ARE YOU CRAY? GIRL, YOU CRAY! 

Since last night, I have felt in despair. Desperate. Frustrated. Angry. Why have I been dealt this card? When I submerge myself into environments where there is excessive drugs and alcohol, I always face this question. I act as if not drinking or taking drugs is a punishment. Like I am holding myself back.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

By not drinking I am giving myself a chance at the best life possible. I am freeing myself of things that have a negative affect on myself. I wouldn’t feel bad for giving up cake so why do I feel bad for giving up alcohol? It’s ridiculous. I am not being punished, I am rewarding myself with life.

At the same time, I am so proud of my determinism for a better life. I am proud of the determinism to not take drugs and drink alcohol and I am proud of the control I have over myself despite the constant voices in my head arguing and telling me what I should be doing.

It makes me sad because the only reason I think I should be doing those things is because society has taught me that’s what people do and it is the norm.

The decision to stop drinking was the best one I’ve made and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss it. I don’t think about when I’m going to have my next drink. However, I feel like I am really having to question a lot about my life right now. 

So many questions are flying through my head… Like am I going to find a potential life partner who isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time? Will I ever make good friends who aren’t going to get drunk all the time? Are the people in my life right now honestly supporting my decision or are they making it harder? Am I always going to be socialised into a heavy drinking environment? Do I need to be putting up with this shit?

Yesterday’s antics stressed me out so much that I dreamt about drinking alcohol. Ridiculous.

At the end of the day, people have their own lives and their own choices. But I stand by mine. I am proud. So goddamn proud that I am sober. I really love life and I don’t want to die with any regret. So watch this space.

I am sober and I am far from boring.

 

A brave ranting post to support Suicide Prevention Week. Choose life!

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, September 7th-13th

Have I ever been suicidal? Yes.

Am I dead? No.

Don’t be naive and brush suicide under the carpet and please read this blog post.

This is my story.

(the shortest version possible of a long story)

I am a 21 year old female from a small town in England and I have suffered with depression and anxiety for almost half of my life. I’m not ashamed and any one who criticises me for it is not important to me because depression is something I have, it isn’t who I am.

I really feel the best way to come to terms with any type of depression or mental health is to talk about it. Whether that means going to see a therapist, talking to a friend, going to help group, calling a helpline or even writing a blog.

I also believe honesty is the best policy. When you admit theres a problem, you are on the road to recovery without even knowing it.

When I was 14 years old, I had one of the toughest years of my life. I was confused about my sexuality and found myself in a relationship with a girl who honestly destroyed me. I introduced her to my friends and she took every single one from me. People that didn’t even know me, that had never met me, didn’t like me and teenagers don’t hold back especially when they can cyber bully. In school, I felt I had a good circle of friends. I wasn’t popular and I didn’t want to be, I just wanted to be me. I was confident and driven. She took that from me. I didn’t want to go to school anymore and when I finally did, I changed all of my classes. At break times, I had no one. I would cry all the time. At the same time, I had experienced a violent encounter with a family member which was damaging and I was also attacked in a park by a drug addict. As if things couldn’t get worse, right? It was horrible and I really hope that no one experiences what I did but I know that they probably will. I began self harming with anything I could find. I’d lost my get up and go. I didn’t care anymore. I felt trapped and I honestly felt that the only way to escape all this pain and suffering to was to end my life. I thought about it several times and I made plans. I’d run away too. I made pathetic suicide attempts and looking back, I think I really just wanted to be saved. I think a lot of severely depressed people feel that they just wish someone could save them. Although, they wouldn’t admit that, why would they? Surely that would make them an attention seeker? Something I was labeled as but I never was. I was just lost in my thoughts and I needed help. My parents didn’t know how to cope, no one did but luckily, I got counselling and it really did help. I began to make new friends and build myself back up and before I knew it, I was happy again. It took a long time but I made it back.

When I was 19, my step-dad walked out on my mum. He had cheated on her and gotten his mistress pregnant. My mum was always a strong person but this broke her. It broke me too. A lot of people didn’t understand how I felt. They didn’t realise that not only had he left my mum after 15 years but he had left me too. He was like a father to me. After he abandoned us, so did his family. I was angry and I thought I didn’t care. I felt like I had to be strong for my mum and as she was so distraught, I subconsciously refused to be distraught in front of her. This left so much damage. My mum was suicidal and she couldn’t cope. She couldn’t eat and she couldn’t work. If she couldn’t do that, how could she be a mother to be as well. I had a support network but I still felt more alone than ever. A few month later, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. In my opinion, we just grew up and apart and I felt I wasn’t letting him live his life because he was so involved in helping me. I was sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. So not only had I lost my step-dad but also my boyfriend and this meant I lost somewhere to live. For a short while, I was homeless. My mum had lodgers in my old room so I couldn’t go home and I stayed on friends sofas for a while. I eventually ended up living at my nan and grandad’s.

Then, I found my self in a new relationship. it was destructive and I think I knew that but I was depressed and I think there was a part of me that still didn’t care. I ended up in this relationship for 10 months. Luke, my boyfriend, was a best friend before he was a boyfriend and I thought he would look after me. He did until his drug habit became more important. I began smoking because I didn’t care. Drugs surrounded me and I didn’t care. I drunk too much and I didn’t care. I just simply didn’t care. I would drink myself to the point of depression so self harming wouldn’t hurt anymore. I would regularly walk out of college classes to sit in the toilets and self harm. I was becoming obsessed. My life was a mess. I went to the doctors and told them I couldn’t cope and they prescribed anti-depressants. I felt like a zombie. Stupidly, the first brand they gave me can actually make young people more depressed and funnily enough, it did. At this point, I really didn’t care. I kind of began to like not caring. I would go into “Fuck It” mode. it was easier than caring. But my arm became too sore and the alcohol wasn’t cutting it anymore and I knew this wasn’t me and that I had gotten lost again. I contacted my doctors and got in touch with a company called ‘ITALK’ who literally saved my life. I was probably one of the worst patients because I wouldn’t always go to my sessions because FUCK IT mode would get in the way but I’m glad I stuck it out. When I went, I was completely broken. When I finished, I was nearly back to my good self. I was sick and tired of begging my boyfriend to stop doing drugs and to think about my mental state. I moved into a flat for 2 months which he used as a night club and would come round and trash it. He didn’t care. He would push his habits in front of me and surrounded us both with people who had no ambition and their only fun in life was drugs and alcohol. My boyfriend started to disgust me and with a lot of courage and strength, I left him and moved in with my dad. I stopped self harming and began finding myself again.

I was a lot stronger and I made new friends. It was now the summer time and I was out partying all the time. I also practically lived at the beach. I met a new guy called Martyn. I thought anyone could easily be better than my ex. Martyn drove and had a job and told me his ambitions. What I didn’t realise was that he had a really bad past with drug habits and he had lost his license from drink driving and that his ambitions were empty words. I still to this day believe that he is lost like me. He has everything to be something in this world yet he doesn’t take the chances he is handed. Martyn was also older and introduced me to a new life. This life was good for a few months until my depression creeped up on me and I had to tell him what I was going through. A decent person would of been supportive. Instead, I was labeled again as an attention seeker. Nice. I should of left him then but something made me stay, I thought he was naive and never had to witness depression so I gave him a chance. Long story short, he became heavily intro drugs and would continue to drink and drive. He was paranoid and jealous of anyone who spoke to me and accused me of cheating all the time. He would want my full attention and time but I never got it back. I would constantly stare at his back because his computer was far more interesting than asking how my day went. Again, I’d met someone who had gotten lost in the world of drugs and alcohol and like a whirl wind, I was swept up too. It’s crazy how drugs can make people lose touch with reality. I was no longer important. Martyn would disappear for a few nights and then would come back from his bender and accuse me of doing something wrong. I was giving him money and spending money I didn’t really have to try and fix our relationship. When we were alone, he would get upset and tell me how he doesn’t want that life too and how he wants a good life with me but again they were empty words. Sometimes people can’t come up to your level so they try and bring you down to theirs to make them feel better. I was constantly going into FUCK IT mode and I was self harming again. I knew I didn’t want this. I had just gotten a new job which I loved and I couldn’t live like this. I couldn’t have these people in my life. I would never get a career. Martyn, like Luke, didn’t care about me anymore. I would beg him to stop and to think about what he was doing to us and to me but instead he would leave me drunk and crying on my own. After months of finding the strength, I finally woke up one morning and I had had enough. I left Martyn for the last time and stayed back at my dads.

I was heart broken for a while especially after finding out Martyn had been cheating on me. I think I was more angry at myself for constantly putting myself in stupid positions. Even though I had left Martyn, I was craving something. I don’t know if it was personal contact or just general attention. It’s strange leaving a controlling, horrible relationship because I should of been happy but I wasn’t. This was when my drinking began to destroy me. I thought going out and partying like I did in the summer I left Luke would solve all my problems but it only made things worse. I began becoming stupid and aggressive. I would get drunk to tell men how much I hate them and FUCK IT mode really came into play. I would get into taxi’s with strangers to get home or I would wander home alone at 4 in the morning. I would steal peoples drinks and pre drink the most revolting things just to lose control of myself. I guess I had been out of control for such a long time, it was more comfortable to be that way. It got worse when I had no money and I began losing my memory of what happened the night before. My friends couldn’t control drunk Kelly and I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what. One of the last straws was losing my phone on a night out and ending up at an ex’s house. My parents thought I was dead. I may as well of been. I’m so disgusted for letting myself end up that way. After a lot of crying and headaches, I stopped drinking. I cut off a hell of a lot of people and I started writing a blog. Stopping the drink was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do a long with stopping self harm.

Self harm, drugs, alcohol and even wasting money, binge eating, wreckless behaviour is all a form of DSH (Deliberate self harm) and it’s not ok. I would use one of these as my coping strategies but they would only last 5 minutes until  how I really felt popped back up. I had to learn new healthy ways to protect myself. I would write music, write blogs, draw pictures, listen to music, go to the gym, go for a drive, call a friend and 9 times out of 10, it worked better than a quick 5 minute fix.

Funnily enough, each time I feel deeper and darker into depression but each time there was some kind of spark that ignited in me reminding me that I have been here before. There has been several times in my life where I have felt that I couldn’t live any more and every time I have felt like that, I have stood up and fought to find myself again.

I feel for a 21 year old, I have been through a hell of alot. Several addictions, self harm, domestic abuse, homeless leading to deep depression and anxiety.

What I am trying to say is that every time something has happened, I have thought and done the worst and I have used stupid coping strategies. I have attempted suicide. Some people see it as cowardly but I understand what it’s like to be so deep and dark that you feel consumed by your thoughts and feelings and there is no way out.

Well there is. I promise. I managed to fight through all of my hard times. It wasn’t easy but I did and you can too.

I used therapists including hypnotherapists, counselling, CBT, prescribed drugs, blogging, help lines and more.

There is so much help out there, you just need to want it and sometimes, you need to show people that they want it too.

I know that my depression will come back to visit me. It will wave its big black claws at me reminding me it’s still there but each time, I have had more strength and courage and I feel stronger than ever.

Now, I have the most supportive boyfriend I could ask for. A great family life. Some of the best friends. I am back studying at college and I plan to go to Uni in a year. I regularly work out which helps me a lot! I still have my moments but now, I have a life worth living for.

Keep strong.

Please feel free to message me with any questions you have or if you just need someone to talk too.