It was always going to happen and it will always happen.
Since Monday, I have been in several situations where people have been talking about how they are going to get completely wasted this Christmas. Maybe it’s become more apparent to me because I am going sober or maybe I just accepted it before.
Today, whilst I was at work, the subject of alcohol at Christmas came up and the feelings around this were positive. I felt like this was my moment in a controlled mature environment to say “I’m not drinking, I’ve given up alcohol“.
The reaction of my colleague was as aspected:
- It’s Christmas!
- You can have one drink!
And my reaction was to laugh and agree. Yes, that is very true, I could have one drink BUT why ruin my Christmas? The facts are I can’t drink, not at the moment anyway. My colleague said that I should be able to control my drink and she doesn’t understand why. Why can’t I just stop when I’m drunk enough? I didn’t really have an answer to this but then again, do I have to justify my reasons behind why I don’t want to drink?
Giving up alcohol is one of the hardest addictions to stop because it is socially accepted. Drugs are illegal, over eating is looked at negatively and smoking is seen as disgusting but alcohol is advertised positively. I have watched several adverts since this weekend where alcohol is advertised with beautiful people dancing around elegantly and they look sexy! In reality, most drunk girls look very messy. There is always a fight when I am in an environment where there is alcohol and I never dance with sophistication, I jump around the dance floor feeling like Beyonce when I most likely look like an unattractive out of control drunk. Nice.
My answer to why I can’t drink is because when I am drunk, I am out of control. The real Kelly disappears and my suppressed emotions rise up to the surface. Then comes “FUCK IT” mode. Where whatever is bothering me appears to not bother me because the alcohol I’ve consumed has made me feel good so I will say FUCK IT and probably buy several shots for myself. I will also mix my drinks and by this point, I am very drunk and I believe that I am invincible when I’ve become gobby, emotional, careless and unattractive . I’ll continue to drink until I wake up and realise I have no recollection of the night before, I look awful and smell awful.
Does that really sound like a good night?
The next few days, I feel really depressed. I am anxious over the fact I was out of control and I have no memory of the weekend. I’ve also wasted a lot of money and a couple of days in bed and then I feel bad. Then, I get messages like “OMG can’t believe what a mess you were last night” or “do you remember saying this to someone” and clearly, THIS MAKES ME FEEL GREAT.
It gets to Monday and I think, thats it now, NO MORE ALCOHOL SORT IT OUT KELLY. Friday hits and its a vicious cycle. One drink, four drinks, fifteen drinks. Wake up in bed. Don’t achieve anything and it’s Monday again.
WHAT IS THE POINT!?
I work too hard for this and mentally and physically, I am done.
I am a fun person when I’m sober.
There’s got to be more to life, right?