I have been feeling really shitty recently and for every socially constructed flaw in my life, I blame myself.
I feel like I’m having a quarter life crisis.
Society makes me feel shit for being single. I worry that I won’t find the right person. Then I worry I won’t have children. I worry because I’m moving to a new place next year and I won’t know anyone. Then I’m moving back and a lot of my friends will be gone. How am I going to find stability? When am I going to be content in my life. Are people not attracted to me because of my life choices? My sobriety? Because I’m a “mature student”. Or is it because I’m ugly. Because I’m unhappy with my weight.
Then, I start to criticise myself. You are single because you are fat, ugly, damaged. You don’t fit in to society. You’ll never belong. You’re not as clever as you thought you were. Why bother.
When I used to have these thoughts or experience these emotions, I could numb them with unhealthy coping mechanisms. Now, I can’t and I’ve realised that it’s time to start to really love myself.
In reality, I know that I am beautiful, I have a perfectly fine body, I am successful etc etc. But it doesn’t stop my mind telling me otherwise.
So, this is my mission. I am on a mission of self- love. In order to be happy, I need to learn to love myself. I need to give less of a shit to what others think of me.
In all honesty, I have no idea how I am going to do this but I’m sick of being my own worst enemy.
So here is where it starts. Kelly, I love you girl.