What is worse? Losing someone you love or losing the love for yourself?

Going through a break-up is shit. Straight to the point. It just sucks.

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But is it worse to fall out of love with who you are?

I have been battling with this question the last few days.

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On one hand, I really believe that no one can love who you truly are when you don’t love yourself. It is so important to love yourself. To be able to sit in your own company and enjoy it. To keep on being productive because you are great despite what anyone says. To look in the mirror and to choose a positive attitude because girl, you got this. But when you stop feeling these things and you start to doubt yourself, can anyone really love you? Would you believe them? And if they do, would you even notice?

When you feel so numb and so empty, you become hopeless. What is the point? It’s frustrating for those around you to watch but you’re the one going through it. You can’t just flick a switch and stop this depression or stress or anxiety. Even if you wish you could, you just can’t. You’re doing everything you can and it is still not good enough.

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When you feel like this, how is it even possible to love yourself? You don’t like being in your own company because your own mind is against you. You can’t be productive because your mind is so full up, it almost feels empty and you can’t sleep, you’re permanently exhausted. You can’t look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see because you don’t believe in yourself anymore. You are suffocating.

How do you learn to love yourself again?

On the other hand, when someone loves you when you can’t, it can be the glue to hold you together. It can keep you striving forwards and it can provide hope that eventually, one day, you will love yourself again. The way that person looks at you or even the fact they text you regularly can increase your confidence and self esteem and hopefully, this would lead to a better sense of self-worth.

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You can really take loved ones for granted and not necessarily on purpose. When you are struggling in life, you can become all consumed in your own problems. You may even be facing denial. You may think that you are the only one being swallowed by this black hole but when you open your eyes and step back, those around you can be suffering too. To watch a loved one self destruct, be suicidal or just lose hope is soul destroying enough.I never want to go through this again and I am sorry for those who feel like this with myself.

And the best outcome from all of this is that you keep fighting and you pull through. You build up your self esteem and start to believe in yourself. Those around you who have held you up for so long don’t need to anymore. You can begin to stand alone and for once, not feel lonely. You begin to smile and laugh honestly again. You begin to feel content, happy and satisfied. You begin to love again.

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But the worst outcome? The people you love can’t stand to watch you self destruct anymore and suddenly, they are gone. You felt overwhelmingly lonely before and now, you really are lonely. You still have the fight to feel better but you are not only battling with the dark cloud over your head, you are questioning yourself as a person. Is this who I am? Am I always going to feel like this? Are people always going to leave me? You don’t blame them for leaving but you feel so helpless and in despair, you’re silently screaming for them to be here with you. You don’t want to be needy because being needy is “weak“. In reality, they have helped you but you just didn’t see it so why should you beg for help. Is it all your fault that they’ve gone? You start to feel even more unloved, unwanted and unneeded and you start to doubt what the point of love is and if you are capable to love again?

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I still don’t have a definitive answer for this question.

All I know is that you need to look after number one. You know who you are the best out of everyone. And sometimes, you do need help and you do need to lean on people. Be grateful for those people. They don’t have to help you but they do and they do it because they care.

Most of all, just don’t give up. Tomorrow is a new day and time is a healer. You got this!  And if that isn’t enough, I like to think “Beyonce wasn’t built in a day!”.

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I have battled with mental health and substance misuse for years and this blog is about my journey. I hope it makes you laugh, makes you cry but most of all inspires you to live the best life you can 🦋

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