One pair of eyes but two perceptions…

Today I did my make up the same, wore the same clothes, my hair is the same as yesterday but something was different.

I didn’t look as good as I wanted too.

There’s no explanation for it as everything is the same except my own thoughts.

I had quite a lot negative self talk going on last night. Probably because I was exhausted and hungry. But is it possible for our mind to really affect our perception in that way?

I think this is proof of why we should challenge those negative thoughts and that inner mean girl because today, I don’t feel as good as yesterday and there’s no valid reason for it.

My physical appearance is the same and I’m still as hot as yesterday.

So, fuck you brain. I’m not playing your mind games. I’m fucking fabulous despite your mean little comments and besides, it’s not all about looks (that’s a fuck you to society 🖕🏼).

Have a great day you beautiful people 💕

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My New Years resolution is to be dating app free and here’s why…

For the last year or so, I’ve been on and off dating apps. Tinder, bumble, happen. I’ve tried them all.

I’d go through phases of full on dating to swiping on the toilet out of boredom.

So, my New Years resolution for 2019 is: NO DATING APPS.

Here’s why…

Whilst I have been single for a while now, I don’t feel like I’ve really been single. I’ve been “looking”. And we all know that when we look for love, we rarely find it. Or if we do, it might not be the love we are looking for.

So firstly, I want to be single the right way. The real way.

Secondly, I don’t like all this online dating malarkey. Don’t get me wrong, it’s quick and easy but it’s dehumanising. Judging people on their bio. If you think about it, people are selling their best selves. What about the other sides to people? Would you swipe right on a guy who said “has struggled with mental health but is coming through the other side”. No because that’s not what you want in your “dream man”. Most people want the perfect finished product. And this itself is sad.

It’s also not realistic to judge someone by how they sell themselves. On this note, no one is every going to honestly say who they are on a dating app. They’re more likely going to say what they think you want to hear.

Also, on the topic of judging, I am yet to meet a guy who looks just like his tinder pictures. I think it’s safe to say that guys typically like to pose with an animal and/or a baby to show their emotional side, their friends to show they have some and a traveling/festival picture to show they leave the house. Similar to girls who use endless snapchat filters. Come on girls, post the bed head photos. That’s the real you. WE WANNA SEE THE REAL YOU’S!

My fourth point, communicating via dating apps is not how most people communicate in real life. Ever met up with a tinder date and it’s been super awkward? No conversation flow? Yet on message it was great. The internet gives us time to think about our reply, to be smart and flirty. Real life allows us to be ourselves! Also… I really doubt a guy would come up to me in real life asking me for nudes.

Lastly, I have been using these apps for a little bit of attention. Sad but true. When all my friends have boyfriends or are going on dates and I want to remind myself I’ve still got it, I’ll download a dating app. The compliments or even a simple match is a confidence boost. But hell, it’s a short term confidence boost and I’d rather just get back to loving myself for real with NO distractions.

I’m totally not slating these apps. They’re great for some people. Especially people who have little time to socialise or just struggle with it. But they’re just not for me.

So, for now, goodbye online dating. Swiping left now.

The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

Why have I defined my life by the men I have dated?

I have spent my life defining it by the relationships I have had with men and this has got to stop.

When discussing the past or reflecting on things that have happened, I remember it by the guy I was dating. This pisses me off…  A LOT.

The psychologist in me is determined to understand why I do this and also, to make a plan so that I NEVER do this again… because I am not and never will be defined by the men I had interest in.

Part of me believes it is due to being so emotional. I feel everything so deeply and at times, I have become so consumed by the relationship I was in, it became me.

Another part of me believes that I have always put my all into relationships. So, when they break down, it takes a part of me with it and therefore, makes me question who I am as a person.

It could also be the fact that I had a bad relationship with myself and instead of dealing with it, I focused on trying to fix relationships when I should have focused on myself.

Perhaps some weird shit happened in childhood and influenced the child version of myself to believe that my value depends on my relationship.

Who the hell knows?

What I do know, is that I will never define my life by the men I date. From now on, my life will be viewed by the challenges I have overcome and all that I have achieved.

hell na

The dreaded question… “Are you single?”

Why do we feel the need to be in a relationship?

What is so wrong with being single?

I go through phases where I love being single,

and then I get asked “Do you want a boyfriend?” or “Why are you single?”… like there is something wrong with me.

Why is it when we’re single, we are made to feel like some sort of outcast. You’re what? Single? What is wrong with her?

How about maybe I want to be single? Or how about maybe I don’t want to be single and you’ve just reminded me that society thinks I’m a reject.

HOW ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

There are so many things I love about being single. I love my own space and being able to make mess and lounge around in absolutely nothing.

and then I feel like I do want a relationship. That I have so much love to give to someone else.

But regardless of what I want, stop giving me your opinion as to why I’m single and whether I should be in a relationship or not.

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

My Sober Nightmare

I have been sober for 1 year, 6 months and 21 days (and counting) and every so often, I have this really horrible nightmare surrounding my sobriety.

There have been many variations of this nightmare but every time I have it, I am so grateful to wake up. I have jaw ache from grinding my teeth in my sleep and I am drenched in sweat. But I am still so grateful to be awake and to know that it was all a dream.

Last night, I had a sober nightmare. 

I had gone out to a bar and I was sober me. I was saying no to alcohol and and having a nice time.

Suddenly, it’s hours later and I am not right. I’m highly emotional and reckless and I feel completely out of control. I am suddenly with people who aren’t my friends and I am in risky situations that I would never be in sober. This part of the dream involves a lot of frustration, anger and crying. I feel like I am losing my mind and no one seems to care and I’m not sure what to do. It’s horrible.

My dream jumps again to the morning after where I wake up very confused and unsure of what happened. I’m not sure if I’m hungover or tired and I don’t want to ask anyone what I was like last night as I fear a particular answer.

It ends up with one person telling me I didn’t drink and another person telling me I was really drunk and I don’t know the truth because I can’t remember anything.

The sad thing is this isn’t just a nightmare. It was my past. I would go out with good intentions, suddenly be really drunk and out of control and then it would be the next morning and I wouldn’t be able to remember anything.

Then, I’d be left full of remorse and disappointment.

I guess these dreams are just a reminder of what my life is not like now and maybe it is a way of testing myself.

Either way, these dreams feel far more painful than my past because before, I was in denial.

But now, I have accepted my mistakes and my flaws and have done everything I can to change them for the better and let go of the past.

So, I guess my real nightmare would be to lose my sobriety and I will make sure with everything I have got, that won’t happen.