My last alcoholic drink

*TRIGGER WARNING*

A year ago today tonight was the last time I drank alcohol.

I went into it with the intention of having fun and I was determined and positive that I could and would control myself under the influence of alcohol.

I was drinking Rosé wine with my boyfriend and I facetimed my mum at around 9pm all happy and giggly.

We then went to my house and played beer pong. I was still laughing by this point. We were ready to go to bed and by this time, I didn’t know what time it was. I went upstairs to the toilet and my boyfriend had just gotten into bed. My best friend called me whilst I was on the toilet and in all honesty that is the last thing I clearly remember.

The night suddenly turned into my worst nightmare and I feel I need to share it. People don’t understand why I don’t drink and I don’t need to justify my reasons why. However, when I tell people that I go crazy, they say “so does everyone” or “everyone has a night like that”, I want you to know that if you only ever have one awful night of drinking, that is a good enough reason for you to want to stop drinking. Don’t feel pressured by society to carry on because English culture is one of the biggest binge drinking cultures in the world.

Anyway, my memory is very vague by this point.

Just remember, I went upstairs happy. Giggly. Ready to come back and cuddle my boyfriend in bed.

I came downstairs and collapsed on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. I then proceeded to scream and hold my head. Mumbling about events I had repressed and also events I thought I had mentally dealt with. I don’t know what triggered this behaviour and that is what is so frightening.

I then became determined again but my determination had changed. It had gone from being determined to have a good night to now, being determined to harm myself.

I pretended to get a drink in the kitchen and took a knife to the bathroom where my boyfriend kicked the door in. I did this repeatedly with other sharp objects. I smashed glass cups, glass bottles and in the end, I smashed my wall mirror.

The strange thing about this is that I didn’t use my fist. I wanted to hurt myself but instead of punching the mirror, I grabbed my can of deodorant and repeatedly smashed the mirror. I then grabbed pieces of the broken glass, ran away and cut my arm.

Whilst this was going on, my boyfriend was trying to catch me, restrain me and calm me down but I only saw red. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I just needed to get what I wanted and in that moment in time, it was to hurt myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my boyfriend’s bed with a sore head. I sat bolt up right with the realisation of what had happened. I looked at my arm which my boyfriend had bandaged up and I felt so empty. I hadn’t been this out of control in 4 years. My boyfriend was fast asleep and I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look at myself.

The feeling I felt whilst out of control drunk was a strangely comfortable feeling but it had to stop. It was dangerous. Every time I reached that level of drunk, I took it to the next step. I’ve never smashed a mirror before to hurt myself. I’d also never hurt myself to that extent before. What if next time I was so drunk that I ended my life. I didn’t want to die. I was just hurting.

The feeling I felt when I woke up that morning is one I will never forget and sometimes it haunts me. It’s not because I felt bad about what I did to myself. It’s because of what I put my boyfriend through. The responsibility of looking after me. Trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Watching them self-destruct and being so determined to harm their body. I then remembered everyone else who had ever suffered in that position. My mum, my best friends, even people who weren’t that close with me but felt obliged to fix me at that moment in time.

I felt disgusted. The person who I became when I was drunk was so detached from who I was sober.

Sober, I would put 100% into my work and my studies. I would go to the gym. I would enjoy spending time with family and friends. I had goals, ambitions, dreams and I was determined to have an amazing life.

But as soon as alcohol entered my system, I was gone and this monster who hated herself came out. She would remind herself of ever traumatic experience she’d been through and make her relive the pain. She was self-destructive and dangerous. But most of all, she didn’t know or remember what exactly she was doing. It was like she had gone into auto-pilot.

Saying that my body and mind had gone into auto-pilot is not an excuse for my behaviour but it is exactly how I felt. My body would continue to act and behave in certain ways and I would have certain thoughts but I would lose my eyesight, my memory and my self-control.

This night was the last night I drank alcohol and I made the biggest and best decision of my life to stop drinking.

I wasn’t giving up something, I was freeing myself and allowing myself to be the best version of who I am.

It is important for me to write this, not only for other people to understand or to relate to and know it is okay to have a problem with substances but it is important to write this for myself.

It is really horrible to remember what I was like and what I did when I was drinking but it is so important. Reflection is incredibly important and it keeps me striving forwards with my sobriety and pushes me forwards to be the person I am and who I want to be.

Lastly, this is an apology. To anyone I hurt physically or mentally whilst I was under the influence of alcohol. You might remember horrible words I said or disgusting behaviour and the worst thing is, I probably don’t remember. So please, forgive me for who I was before I stopped drinking. I was suffering with my mental health and with substance misuse. There is no excuse for anything I ever did but know that I am truly sorry and I am not the person I once was.

Nearly 1 year sober.

Peace out xx

Advertisements

Single female seeking single male:

*Check the small print

Looking for a male companion. There are only a few requirements;

Hmm where to start.

Be an adult. I’m adult and at least try to have your shit together like I do.

A brain. Preferably a literate one… with knowledge. There’s no need to grammatical errors in the 21st century (checks for spelling mistakes…)

Humour. Please be funny and think I’m funny… because I am.

Preferably a lot of hair. I like to play with hair. That’s all.

Also, a beard please.

Nice teeth too. Whilst we’re on the topic of teeth, please brush them.

Cut your finger nails. There’s no excuses for this. Gross.

Be tall and and have more fat or muscle than me. I want you to carry me through the doorway on our wedding day, not the other way round.

Like emo music. Not just music because most people hate my music taste as it’s so varied but emo music. I like to reminisce my teen years and dress in black.

Don’t be a lad. No drugs and don’t go clubbing every weekend. I’m nearly 25. No time for that.

Have a job. An actual job. Not the same job as the 16 year old down the road.

Have ambition. I hate always planning for the future and dreaming for two people. Surprise me with a mid-year trip to Bora Bora!

Actually, be an action man! If you say you’re gonna do it, then do it. In every sense of the saying.

Have a car. I am not a taxi. But if you drive, be prepared for criticism and I will be your personal DJ.

Be good with money. I’m not a bank account… or your mum. No pocket money for you.

Enjoy cuddles. Lots of cuddles. In fact ignore everything else and just cuddle me.

Understand the basics of sexual intercourse. Forever being a teacher and it’s exhausting.

Have interesting hobbies. Sitting in the pub with a pint of Carlsberg every weekend watching the football is not a hobby.

Don’t have kids. I mean if they’re cute and your baby mumma isn’t a complete psycho then I may let this one slide. Otherwise, no.

Like reptiles and not fluffy animals. I’m allergic and it’s literally me or the dog.

Treat me like a lady. I may be a gob on legs and I may not know when to draw the line of banter but that does not mean that I do not want to be treated with respect.

Have friends. Preferably cool ones who I’ll actually like… and nice ones that I can set up with my friends.

Be a family guy. I love my family and you will be involved with them. I will happily be involved with yours too. However, if your family sucks, then its a no from me.

Don’t have emotional baggage. I may study psychology but I will not fix you. That being said…

Have emotions and for the love of god, show them. Acknowledging your emotions is way hotter than being a cold piece of wood.

Enjoy some kind of fitness so I can join in but don’t be a ‘roid head or a gym bunny. I cannot deal with someone who loves themselves more than they love me.

It would be nice if you had a degree or an academic interest. Not fussy or anything.

Whilst we’re at it, speak more than one language fluently. It’s hot.

Have family in other countries. I expect a lot of holidays.

Buy me presents. Not just on holidays but all the time, randomly, because I am a really special person.

Like all of my social media posts. Now, this one may be a little difficult because I feel I am a bit of a millennial but just do it. It’s the 21st century way of showing commitment.

Have pictures and cute statuses about me all over your social media pages. Show me off. I’m a fucking trophy.

Take me to parties. To show me off but also, so I can go shopping and buy new clothes to wear.

Be prepared for PMS. This means a lot of cuddles, chocolate and patience. It’ll be worth it in the end.

Basically just be really hot, have your shit together, be a nice decent human being and be prepared to be infatuated with your crazy ass girlfriend who will love you forever.

IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK?

blog.jpg

*A joke post before anyone freaks out starts making sexist comments

**I am going to hell

***Forever single

I miss you

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I lay and think about you. I think about all the laughter and the good times. I think about what could of been. I think about how much I miss you. Sometimes I battle with myself to send you a message. I convince myself that I miss you.

Today, I realised I don’t miss you. 

I miss the idea of who I thought you were. 

I lay and think about how amazing I thought you were. How I thought you were the start of something new. How similar we were in so many ways. How compatible we were.

I imagine your face, your laugh, your smile. The way I felt when I was with you. The way you smelt. The comfort I’d feel in your arms.

And I can’t. I can’t remember and I can’t imagine. My thoughts have twisted into a fabrication of reality. I don’t remember what you look like and I don’t remember how you smell.

Because actually, none of that is true. We weren’t compatible. We are not similar. I thought we were because of the outlook I have on life. I had my rose-tinted glasses on.

And then I realise, I miss the idea of you. and by ‘you’, I don’t mean you. I miss the idea of having someone to laugh with. Having someone to run to and tell my exciting news. Having someone to unwind with in front of the tv and relax with. Having someone to love who loves me back.

Sometimes, it can be so hard to distinguish between emotions and feelings. Feeling lonely does not mean I am alone. Feeling needy does not mean I am dependent on others. Feeling sad does not mean I will never be happy again.

All of those feelings and emotions are temporary.

I need to remember the truth and not the false memories my brain is trying to recreate. I have missed you, a lot. I wanted you to turn around and change your mind. and you didn’t. And that’s okay. Because actions speak louder than words and now I remember the truth about the situation. 

So, when I’m next in bed, missing ‘you’, I’m going to remind myself that whilst I’m missing ‘you’ for those 15 minutes in bed because I’m tired, the other 23 hours and 45 minutes in the day, I’m focused, fabulous and fearless.

 

I was such a different person a year ago.

This is not a negative post. It’s a positive one.

When reflecting on the past, it should always be positive because regardless of negative or positive memories, you’re still here.

This time last year, I was not really happy. I was really trying to find my feet at University as a “Mature student”. I was surrounded by toxic and fake friends. I was drinking excessively and spending too much money. It was the start of my spiral out of control.

Despite it being a crappy time, there were positive parts. I did have few friends who were decent and good people. I was in a new relationship which made me happy. I was enjoying the course content. I always had family and friends at home that loved me and cared for me. And it was nearly christmas.

NOTE: In negative times, there are always positive parts. Whether you can see them or not, a negative can always be turned into a positive.

From my negativity, I learned that… not everyone is at university for the same reason as you. Not everyone is going to be a good and decent friend. University is a hard enough struggle without any added problems. Your drinking habits are not healthy and they are encouraging you to make bad choices.

I learned that it was time to accept these lessons and do something about it.

So, I did something about it. I moved out of the house that was causing toxicity in my life. I removed all the fake friends and negative influences from my life. I stopped drinking all together and started looking after myself. I accepted that everyone is different and has different morals and values in life. I focused more on the people that had always loved me. I focused on my studies and reminded myself why I made the decision to go to university.

From this, I am here. In a house that I enjoy living in. I live with really good people. I have made new friends. I still have my great friends from a year ago. I am still at university working hard. I am president of a society. I have a job which I really enjoy. I am still sober and finding it really easy.

Life is good and I am happy.

It has taken time, patience and perseverance to get here and I’ve struggled with my mental health along the way. I’ve questioned myself many times as to why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’ve cried and suffered heart break.

BUTTTTT…

Here I am. A year ahead of where I was. The good and positive influences have remained in my life and the negative have gone. I am much happier and much more in control of my life.

Moral of the story: It is important and healthy to reflect. You may be exactly where you want to be or you may be only a few steps forwards but everything happens for a reason. Keep persevering. Keep being patient. It all takes times. You got this.

No, fuck you. I was worth it…

*Inspired by an instagram post I saw earlier

“No, fuck you. I was worth it”

To the kids at primary school who laughed because I had hairy arms, who pushed me against walls and kicked me, who stole from me, who made up rumours about me, who isolated me. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To my peers at secondary school who called me names, laughed at my braces, my nose, my clothes, my make up. Who made Facebook pages about me. Who isolated me and bullied me. Who encouraged me to hate myself when I was suffering mentally. Who told me to kill myself. Who thought they were really cool for being absolute arseholes to me. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To the boyfriends who made me cry, used me, lied to me, led me on, cheated on me, mentally abused me. Who made a fool out of me, who would rather be a coward than be brave and honest, who chose drugs over me, who told me to settle, who wanted a basic life and made me feel “too much” because I didn’t want to settle. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To the friends who showed their true colours, who stole from me, used me, hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me and laughed behind my back. Who made me feel isolated because I didn’t want their lifestyle, who pushed drugs and alcohol in my face when I was struggling, who knew I was depressed and left me to cry. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To anyone who has made me cry, who made me feel bad as an individual for no good reason, who started a rumour about me, who told me I couldn’t succeed in any of my dreams and goals, who called me a failure. Fuck you. I was worth it.

I was worth it. I have always been worth it and I still am.

I’d like to sit here and say “I hope one day you realise what you’ve lost” but in all honesty, I really couldn’t care less. I know what you’ve lost and that sucks for you.

I am an honest and loyal person, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, colleague, student. Whatever. I never aim to go out of my way to hurt anyone and if I have ever hurt you, I am truly sorry. It was never intentional.

But for all the shit that I had to endure because of all of you… thank you.

Thank you for teaching me that I am worth more than what you offered to me, that I will continue to achieve great things, that I will continue to have good, decent people in my life, that I can be happy without your negativity.

Because I don’t hate you. I also don’t like you but thank you for being a lesson well learnt.

Because now I know what I want and what I deserve and I am moving on to better things.

Thanks bitches. I am worth it.

I am so angry.

Life is pretty good right now. Great family. Great friends. Uni is tough but it’s good. I have a job that I enjoy. Striving towards good things.

But I am angry.

I am so angry.

Not all of the time but now and then.

And being angry is exhausting. I actually feel angry because I feel angry.

The main reason I feel angry is because I was let down by someone I cared about. They let me believe that our relationship was worthy of a future and a purpose. Six months of hopeless conversation, fabrications and fake expectations. Six months of thinking you knew someone and they had falsely advertised who they were all along.

It doesn’t make them a bad person but it’s really hurt my feelings and I’m angry.

There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. There is no need to live up to someones expectations or to play it down to someones expectations. There is no need to make plans with someone who you don’t plan on doing anything with. There is no need spending time with someone and letting them fall in love with you when you know that you are going to walk away so easily.

Because that’s what makes me angry.

We had a great time together but all the laughter and the happiness that were conceived in those moments have disappeared and they’re not coming back. I’m left with bitterness, frustration, confusion and most of all, anger.

It’s not the first time that I’ve been let down and I’m sure it won’t be the last but this also makes me angry. If this has happened to me before, why did I let it happen again? Why did I let my guard down for someone who wasn’t worthy? Why did I alter and negotiate part of my life in order to have them in it? Especially when it was all for nothing.

Pure anger. Anger at them. Anger at me. Anger at the situation.

What a waste of energy. I want to scream. I want to write a really shitty text message. I want to punch them in the face. I want them to be sorry. I want them to apologise. I want a hug. I want them back. I want to feel happy again. Not angry.

But the only thing I can do is to breathe. Cry. Distract. Process.

and to not remember things incorrectly. To not analyse the situation. To not dwell on words said and words unsaid.

Because the anger will pass and I will be okay. I will be great. I will cry with happiness instead of anger and I will scream with excitement and not frustration.

Just taking each day as it comes because knowing that I want to feel better means that I steps ahead of where I think I am.

and breathe…

 

 

Letting go is the hardest and the strongest thing you can ever do

Being an ambitious person with strong morals, high standards and strong emotions is a gift but also a curse.

It means that the people who stay in your life are truly amazing and you love them dearly but it also means that you have to say “hi and goodbye” to a lot of people. And this means sadness, anger, frustration and what feels like wasted time.

Instead of letting these people go and getting on with my life happily and free of those that reduce the quality of my life, I blame myself.

A lot of the time, I am proud of my strength and my determination for a good life. I love my morals because I treat those how I want to be treated and I won’t accept any less. I refuse to settle. I refuse to be used or played or lied to. I don’t have time for negative energy in my life.

Yet, there is a small part of me that blames myself for when things go wrong. Despite it being my decision to say goodbye, I still feel guilt. I feel guilt for having high standards. I feel guilt for wanting better. I feel guilt for believing that I can be happier without that person.

AND HOW FUCKING BIZARRE IS THAT. I feel guilty for wanting to be happy?

So, I sat and experienced guilt for 15 minutes before telling guilt to fuck off. 

I don’t feel guilty.

I feel frustrated for wasted energy and time. I feel sad for putting energy into something that didn’t want my energy. I feel angry for blaming myself despite trying. I feel excited for my future. I feel relieved for being honest. I feel proud for appreciating my self worth and doing what was right for me.

But I do not feel guilty.

Because I should never ever settle for less and neither should you.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be in it. If you push them away, they will pull you back in. Regardless of hurtful words said or upsetting actions or even just disregard for feelings, if someone wants to be in your life because they value you as an individual, they will sure as hell be in it.

Not everyone you let go is a bad person and sometimes, that makes it harder but again, this does not mean you have to settle.

Just because they are a good person does not mean they are obliged to stay in your life. If they don’t bring you happiness, laughter, kindness and sometimes tears, then they aren’t worth it. If they aren’t consistent or loyal then you can say goodbye. If they aren’t interested in your life then stop listening to theirs.

This may sound selfish but it’s not because I am sure that like me, you would do all of those things for other people. So why should you be a back-up plan or a second choice to a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member… anyone.

You shouldn’t.

So don’t settle and be strong enough to let go of those who aren’t worth your time because who you are is not a curse, it’s a blessing.