I kind of fell into a long distance relationship…

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So, I kind of fell into a long distance relationship.

I always swore it would never happen because I could never make it work. I never wanted to be in a relationship where someone was not right beside me. I am too needy.

Oh how things change.

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The problem is: HOW DO I COPE?

Every time I see ‘him’, it’s amazing. It’s the best. If you were to plan a really great weekend, seeing him would it be it. It ticks all the boxes. I am constantly laughing. I am relaxed. I am excited. I am productive. I feel good about myself. I am happpppppyyyy.

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But then comes the dreaded morning. Waking up and knowing that in an hour or so, you have to walk him to the train station and say goodbye.

Each time I say goodbye, I tell myself that it will be okay. You won’t miss him as much as the first time. You’ll get used to the distance.

OH. HELL. NO.

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What a massive lie I tell myself. I miss him more every day. Every hour. Every second. 

I get so excited to talk to him that when I do, I feel sad. It’s like I have so much to tell him and when he calls, I forget and just feel sad. The words “I miss you” mean so much but they hold that sinking feeling in my stomach every time I say them.

The 2 week wait doesn’t sound like much but it feels like a lifetime and it’s a sickening feeling. Knowing that when they step on that train, it’s a 14 day countdown… again. And despite how busy and distracted with work, uni, friends, family, gym, hobbies or whatever… days drag on. Days are even longer.

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I miss him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t see him any sooner. I physically want to grab him and not let him go. In fact, when I do see him, I spend most of the time just touching him and remembering him before he leaves again.

It’s hard and it’s going to get harder. I need to mentally prepare myself and make myself stronger. I just don’t know how. 

After listening to endless amounts of emo love songs and waking up from really nice day dreams of what could be, the sadness comes. 

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BUT a notification. A snapchat. A message. A missed call. and even better, an answered call makes it just that little bit more bearable. 

The time we spend together is honest and pure. It is genuine and it’s real. It’s simply amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It keeps me holding on to what ever this is because it is so good. The excitement of seeing him is too much. Waking up next to him is like a dream and I pinch myself so I know it’s real. The public displays of affection mean the world to me. It’s like we are in our own little world and no one else matters. Just us and it’s absolutely perfect.

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So I will have to learn to put up with the constant missed calls, waiting for our schedules to match up so we can have a proper conversation, the smell of him on my pillow making me miss him even more, the empty space in the bed, missing the person guaranteed to make me laugh and smile all day. I will have to learn to put up with the distance and the time.

Because in the end, it is all worth it. 

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Stop playing the victim.

This world is not perfect. There is so much hate, racism, sexism, discrimination and the list goes on.

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But this world is also beautiful. There is so much love, compassion, determination and positivity.

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It all depends on your outlook. I truly believe there are two types of people in this world.

The type of people who think the world owes them everything…

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and the type of people who thinks the world owes them nothing…

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You can be who you want to be. There will always be people telling you “no” or discriminating against you for whatever reason but it’s how you deal with it that tells you what type of person you are.

I am a massive advocate for “the world is your oyster”. Particularly for those from a first world country.

We have access to education, to travel, to change careers at any time of our lives. We have freedom to be gay, trans, gender fluid, atheist, religious, you name it.

So when I see people playing the victim, I get pretty frustrated. Not because it’s annoying but because you are the only person holding yourself back.

I look back through all the struggles I have been through and I could of easily opted for a life of drugs, alcohol and even suicide. I could of bummed off my parents and the government. I could of wallowed in self pity because of all the wrong-doings in my life.

But the difference is… I did the opposite of those things.

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I fought all my battles and I lost many of them but I never gave up.

I was once told to settle for less. “You are not a princess, this is Gosport, stop expecting so much”. I could of just listened to that advice and been miserable, wallowing in my mistakes and holding on to all the shit people have done to me…

BUT I DIDN’T.

I left behind people who dragged me down and I quit negative actions that were ruining my life. 

I started to do things that I enjoyed and simply because I enjoyed them. I surrounded myself with people I liked for positive reasons because they were good and decent people. I sat and pondered on what I could do with my life and I made it happen. 

I changed what made me miserable.

I started looking at myself differently. I admired myself for removing all the negativity from my life. I admired myself for making decisions that were incredibly hard but positively life changing.

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And from admiration of myself, I found confidence. I am more confident in my body. If I don’t like my body, I can change it. That’s not an issue because I am determined to be the happiest version of myself. However, I have learnt and I am still learning to love my body. It’s mine and it’s who I am.

I am more confident in my life choices. I know who I am as a person and any decision I make, good or bad, is mine and I can own that.

I am confident with my personality. This is me. For years, I have suffered verbal abuse and the worst thing I did was listen to it. The only opinion of myself that I value is my own.

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I truly believe that, whilst lots of people love you and care for you, the only person who will only ever be there for you is yourself.

Society made me feel selfish for a long time for accepting compliments, for feeling good about myself and for loving myself.

But fuck it, I do.

I am not selfish and I am not stuck up. I appreciate this life and I know my self-worth.

So when I feel sorry for myself and I know that playing the victim is a realllllly easy option, I say no. I could resort back to the past and make all the abuse I suffered who I am but that will only ever make me miserable.

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Stop playing the victim.

I am not discrediting any victim of abuse or ‘ism’ but it is how to react to the negativity that creates your next move. It is how you think of yourself that predicts your reaction.

Love who you are. Own it. Shrug off all the negative comments. Let go of all your mistakes and hold your middle finger high to all those who hurt you in the past.

You are in control of your own life.

and in the words of Kesha… “I’m proud of who I am!”

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The truth about a ‘great body’…

NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON THE KARDASHIAN/JENNER CLAN. I LOVE THEM ALL, HUGE FAN. THEY WERE JUST THE FIRST EXAMPLES I THOUGHT OF AND THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLES TO USE AS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE IN THE MEDIA.

Want a Kardashian bikini body? Go get famous and super rich then.

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So many people, including myself, scroll through Instagram daily and watch the workouts of celebrities and admire their bodies but come on guys, it’s not reality.

Since being back from university, I have been to the gym at least 5 times a week and I always work hard but I’m still not ab fab. I still don’t have a Kim K booty.

Paying for my gym membership every month isn’t cheap especially for a student. I was so tempted to get a personal trainer but I can’t afford it. However, these celebrities can.

All these celebs on social media and in the magazines can afford people to clean their houses, people to look after their kids, people to shop for them, people to cook for them. They can afford the healthiest food, the best products, a personal trainer, plastic surgery and best of all, THEY HAVE TIME.

That is reality.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to look “insta-ready” in everyday life BUT… most people do not have the time to work out several times a day. It can be really hard to find a job these days and even with a job, it can be hard to pay off your bills so our lives can be consumed with going to work.

Don’t forget the parents who are rushed off their feet with their children or the students who seem to study 24/7.

Even with time off, people don’t tend to want to go to the gym. They might want to relax with a glass of wine or go out for a meal.

THIS IS REALITY.

What made me pretty mad today was when I saw this:

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Say hello to Kendall Jenner. She has a great body. In fact, I bet her fat percentage is ridiculously low but look at her caption. Pizza? It really irritates me when celebrities get interviewed and they say they eat rubbish or when they post eating takeaways or fatty foods. It’s not reality.

Wouldn’t it be great if celebrities actually posted the struggles of their day to day lives? Like hiding from the paparazzi, the pressure to look good, the exhaustion from many intense workouts, being bored of eating healthy, the mental pressures of their role model lifestyle…

but they don’t. So please do not believe what you see.

Finally, do you ever wonder why Kylie Jenner and many other celebs pose in such weird ways? It makes them look good. If we all stood like we do at a family gathering photo and did our natural smile, we would look different to our crazy posed selfies. Furthermore, what about the lighting? These pictures are examples of lighting and posing. Sometimes, when I stand up and take a picture, I feel slim and toned. When I sit down, I feel fat.

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I know I am not body goals” but this is just to show you the truth.

 

From the front, tensing my abs and the right lighting, I look like I have a toned stomach. Relaxed and not as good lighting, I look like I have no definition at all. Also, wearing my leggings higher hides my love handles and makes me look slimmer. If I sit down and sit straight, I look slimmer than if I sit down properly.

I know my pictures aren’t the best examples but that is me. I love working out and I eat pretty healthily. Still not Kendall level but maybe above is more of an honest expectation of working out than what we see these celebs post on Instagram!

If you get anything from this post, I hope it’s the fact that you can look as great as you want but do not give yourself unrealistic goals because most of it is filters, good lighting, good poses and an extremely healthy lifestyle.

You don’t have to be a Kardashian to be body goals, insta-ready or goddamn beautiful!!!

 

Catcalls are not compliments and I am not here for your entertainment!

Note: I am not a man hater and this is not generalisable to all men. However, from first hand experiences, this is to the majority of men. You may not realise what you are doing but it’s hard for us to ignore.

This is my outfit today.


Nothing special. I wore it because it was goddamn hot. If I could of walked round naked, I would of. However, I still felt exposed. Since not having a car, I’ve walked everywhere recently and I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with what I’ve noticed.

I’m 23 years old and I am learning to love my body and myself. Yet, I still got changed 5 times before leaving the house today because it was so hot and I didn’t want to wear too revealing clothes.

Every day that I have walked home, 9/10 men stared at me whilst driving. It didn’t matter what colour, age, height, weight. Most of the men looked at me. Many of them had their partners in the car as well as their children.

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Whilst it doesn’t hurt to look, I suddenly found myself pulling my shorts down and my top up to make sure I was covered. Some might say I should be taking all these stares as compliments but actually, I found it quite intimidating. I just wanted to hurry home.

What was interesting was that 1/10 women looked at me.

I think what makes me uncomfortable is that I don’t want to be a great pair of legs or boobs. I mean yeah that’s great but I’m also intelligent, ambitious, funny, kind and so many other things. I am not just my body.

I want to love my body but not because people stare it. Because I am confident with myself. How am I supposed to feel confident when men stare at me like I’m just another pair of tits and ass.

What makes me sad is that I know I am not the only female who feels like this. What makes me even sadder is that when I was younger, I felt I had to cover up because I didn’t want to be a ‘slut’ or a victim of any sort of sexual abuse or exploitation. That’s just awful and we still continue to teach our young girls to cover up because we don’t want to be a victim. Doesn’t that suggest that if something was to happen when we were dressed in little clothing that it would be our fault?

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I know not all guys are like this and it’s harmless looking but actually, it’s uncomfortable. I spent years covering up my boobs because they were big because I didn’t just want men to stare at them. I would always ask “Mum does this make me look like a slut?” before I went out because I was so paranoid of being just that. I wish I had listened to my mum. She used to say “there’s only a small window where you can get away with wearing that, do it!”.

I wish that I had the confidence to wear what I wanted when I was younger and I wish I embraced my figure because that’s all it is. My figure. A shell. It’s not who I am inside. I have pretty good boobs and I have long legs and I’m going to wear what I want to show them off because I like those features. But that’s because I am confident now. However, I’ve had to ignore many catcalls and unnecessary stares, many ass grabbings and boob stares and I’ve actually had enough. Do you know I’ve started walking on the left side of the road so I don’t have to see people coming towards me? Does this mean I should cover up a bit more to feel less of an object and less insecure and paranoid? Or should men not just so obviously stare directly at us or beep their horn or whistle?

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I actually find it unattractive when you stare or catcall. It’s more attractive to look at my face and talk to me. Or compliment how we look. Get to know me. And if you’re lucky. Then I’ll let you stare and admire my body. Until then, just stop. Or at least try to make it sly! Jesus!

Why do we get drunk?

(This is a bit of a random rant so excuse me but…)

Why do we get drunk?

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If someone can give me a valid answer to this question, then I will eat my hat! That’s how the saying goes right?

Many people say to me “Eurgh I’m gonna be so hungover on…” or “I’ll start that after the weekend because I’ll be so drunk, I won’t be able to do anything for a few days”.

People seem to think that a big event such as a holiday, a birthday, a festival etc involves getting absolutely wasted. But when people moan about the aftermath, what is the point?

Essentially, you are paying for something: a girls holiday for example. Don’t get me wrong, I went to Benidorm with my bestfriend and I spent the holiday drunk but the hangovers had got to have been the worst I’ve ever experienced. 

Lets think about this rationally= I paid for an amazing experience to spent a couple of hours enjoying being out of my head each day and double the time recovering each day.

How does that make sense?

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As well as this, why do people think that they need to get drunk to enjoy things in life?

I love partying and I love holidays but when people go overboard and drink excessively, are you really enjoying it? I know I wasn’t. Not as much as I do now.

Are you going to remember it?

Are you going to enjoy it to the full potential?

There’s nothing wrong with having a relaxing or social drink but most young people in England believe that binge drinking their way through weekends is the way to let off steam and enjoy themselves.

You have question why you feel that your source of fun is going out and getting really drunk. Some people might just generally enjoy it but I am actually still yet to meet someone who honestly drinks just for “fun”.

When I did my research project the two top findings as to why people binge drink were:

1/ to have fun but most of these people also picked number two.

2/ to make themselves feel better. This involved to build confidence, to forget things, to feel less anxious, to feel less depressed, to feel like they fit in. 

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Why work so hard for things in life to piss it up the wall with getting drunk?

I have no judgement. Of course, I don’t. I used to drink because I thought it was what I had to do to have fun. I thought I was enjoying myself. I thought that I thought it was fun. But really, I was masking a lot of unconscious anger, frustration and pain. I didn’t even realise I was repressing these feelings. I never let myself feel those things.

What I am trying to say is that before you go out and decide to get annihilated with your friends, ask yourself why you are going to get drunk? and what is the worst that can happen if you don’t get really drunk?

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101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

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to this…

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I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

Feeling ‘High On Life’!

Today, I received the best news.

My goal of creating a society for people who don’t drink or take drugs was accepted.

Here, I present: High On Life society!

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YAAAAY FRICKING YAYYYY.

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After first, we were rejected. We were told there were societies at the university that do not push drinking (boardgames, harry potter, oddsoc). We were also told there is a lot of support at the uni for people who struggle with substances. I felt really misunderstood. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting people with similar lifestyles and not feeling pressured to drink or take drugs.

I decided I wouldn’t give up so I collected statements from everyone who wanted to be apart of the society and wrote an email expressing the high demand for the society. After several emails sent back and forth, we got an appeal. As I was at home, three people in the society volunteered to go in my place and thank god they did because they did a wonderful job! AND WE FINALLY GOT ACCEPTED AS AN OFFICIAL SOCIETY!

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University is great but it can also be incredibly hard if you don’t follow the party life drinking student stereotype. In fact, University can be hard full stop, let alone battling with your own life choices not to drink or take drugs.

The society idea came about when I stopped drinking and struggled to find fun things to do that I enjoyed without alcohol or drugs. Whilst, there were societies that do not push alcohol, I did not enjoy their focus e.g boardgames and after searching online for local groups of people who do not drink, I only found people of the older generation. There were also many support groups but I did not want to go to those, I just wanted to make friends who did not drink for whatever reason and have fun, just like I did when I was drinking but without the alcohol.

Many events and nights out are centred around the party lifestyle and despite still loving to party, it can be really hard when your sober to turn up and remain confident without your liquid confidence. Especially when people question you as a person for not drinking. Even more so when people think they can persuade you to drink.

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I have nothing against anyone drinking. Most of my friends drink. In fact, all of them do and I love them all. But sometimes, you need that option. You need an option to socialise with people who have a similar lifestyle to you in relation to substances.

I have tried to find people at university who don’t drink or take drugs for whatever reason and I have found it so hard. I started to feel isolated. But hey presto, I didn’t give up and I managed to find people who felt exactly the same as I did!

As well as feeling confident in my life choices now, I feel so relieved that I have found people from all walks of life who do not drink/take drugs for whatever reason. It is so refreshing. I finally feel like I’m not so ‘odd’. Finally, I feel like sobriety or just not obsessing over alcohol and drugs is becoming normality for a lot of people.

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High On Life society is going to be three things:

  • A sense of belonging: we all want to feel a part of something and all of the societies at university involve alcohol one way or another.
  • The chance to network: to finally meet people who choose to have a good time without substances.
  • To have fun without pressure: just because we don’t drink or take drugs does not mean we are boring. I am going to make it my mission to prove to the world that you don’t need alcohol and drugs to have fun. We are going to do everything that drinkers and drug takers do, just without the substances.

I can’t describe how happy I am that the society was finally accepted. People can do what they want in their spare time but our socials are going to be fun without substances. To know that when we meet up for socials, people will all be there for the same reason; To have fun without alcohol or drugs. Makes me sooo happy!

PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP. IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL DESPITE BEING TOLD YOU CAN’T!

Ahhhh I can’t even write anymore, I’m tooooo happy 🙂

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Kelly, out.