Personal growth and acceptance in Sobriety

Being back in Brighton in a place is tough. It’s where I had the worst drinking habit in my life and where I stopped drinking. It’s also where I came to better myself academically and where I have bettered myself personally.

My dissertation topic is centred around addiction which fascinates me but also causes me pain when I hear or read things that resonate with my own experiences.

Today, I have been trying to reflect on all the things I have achieved but more what I have overcome. And I am so proud of my personal growth despite what has been thrown at me and what I have thrown at myself.

I’m not here to write about abuse or bullying or what has happened to me that wasn’t my fault. No pity party.
What I want to say is growing as an individual and changing your negative habits and relearning positive thinking is what I’m really fucking proud of.
AND IT IS ACHIEVABLE.

As many people know, I was a bit of a loose cannon as a teenager and even blowing over into my early 20s. I struggled with self identity, self esteem, self love and anything positive to do with myself. The only way I truly knew to deal with this was to ignore how I actually felt and either pretend to feel a certain way with a cocky, loud, no-fucks-given persona or to feel this persona but by using coping strategies which were incredibly unhealthy for my physical and mental health.

This is not normal and the sad thing is, too many people experience struggles with mental health through their biology or environment and most of what damages their mental health is not their fault.

Yet, there is still stigma surrounding mental health and there is still grudges held against people who make mistakes in their life.

The Kelly I am today was in that girl before but she was so squashed down and ignored due to unhealthy coping mechanisms and this persona I’d created and was battling with.

By creating this persona and unhealthy coping mechanisms, I created relationships and friendships with people I didn’t actually like and I partook in activities I actually had no interest in but I thought that was who I was.

I truly thought I was that girl. The girl in the left side of the attached photo. The girl who got drunk all the time and made bad choices every weekend. The girl who felt bad for the next five days and self medicated by getting drunk again. The girl who thought this was NORMAL.

But the girl I actually was, she wasn’t any of those things. She was smart and quirky. She was really loving and caring. But most of all, she wasn’t that confident and she didn’t know how to process her life experiences. She’d created this persona so the decent people and love she needed in her life was unable to access her.

I was squashed down inside that girl for years. Struggling mentally and battling everyday with who I was as a person and also, what I had experienced.

The biggest and best thing I have ever done was to decide enough was enough and to stop drinking alcohol.

It has encouraged me to be the best version of myself and also forced me to face unwanted feelings that I had ignored for a long time.

I am now able to properly recognise my emotions and moreover, I can cope with them healthily. I don’t need to numb my feelings or put on a front.
I have opened doors to the good people in my life that I had shut out for so long. I am able to go to them when I am struggling and be honest and they give me the love and support I have always needed because I let them.

Even better, I am able to apologise. I am able to truly take ownership in my flaws as a person and fix them. I can own all of the wrong doings in my life and apologise. I sometimes feel sorry for myself for what I’ve experienced but unfortunately, no amount of trauma can excuse negative behaviours especially when they hurt those around you. So now, I am able to have healthy relationships with others. I am able to be that friend to others like they were to me. I can be a good daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend etc.

And the best thing about feeling and dealing with real emotions and real relationships is that I can finally breathe.
I am free. I never gave up anything. I freed myself from negativity around me in my environment, in others and in my own mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. I still get belts of anxiety where I feel completely overwhelmed and triggered. I still feel guilt and shame sometimes. I still remember unwanted memories and triggers.

BUT I have built this little world around me where I love who I am and I will continue to fight to love myself, where I have amazing friends and family and I will not tolerate anyone in my life who brings any form of negativity and where I am able to be the best version of myself, not only for me but those around me because love is a two way street and having positive influences and bonds with others in life brings more stability, self-assurance and self-love than you can imagine.

The girl I am now is on the right side of the attached photo (with a mocktail) and that right there is pure happiness.

And 957 days sober. Boom.

Why have I defined my life by the men I have dated?

I have spent my life defining it by the relationships I have had with men and this has got to stop.

When discussing the past or reflecting on things that have happened, I remember it by the guy I was dating. This pisses me off…  A LOT.

The psychologist in me is determined to understand why I do this and also, to make a plan so that I NEVER do this again… because I am not and never will be defined by the men I had interest in.

Part of me believes it is due to being so emotional. I feel everything so deeply and at times, I have become so consumed by the relationship I was in, it became me.

Another part of me believes that I have always put my all into relationships. So, when they break down, it takes a part of me with it and therefore, makes me question who I am as a person.

It could also be the fact that I had a bad relationship with myself and instead of dealing with it, I focused on trying to fix relationships when I should have focused on myself.

Perhaps some weird shit happened in childhood and influenced the child version of myself to believe that my value depends on my relationship.

Who the hell knows?

What I do know, is that I will never define my life by the men I date. From now on, my life will be viewed by the challenges I have overcome and all that I have achieved.

One pair of eyes but two perceptions…

Today I did my make up the same, wore the same clothes, my hair is the same as yesterday but something was different.

I didn’t look as good as I wanted too.

There’s no explanation for it as everything is the same except my own thoughts.

I had quite a lot negative self talk going on last night. Probably because I was exhausted and hungry. But is it possible for our mind to really affect our perception in that way?

I think this is proof of why we should challenge those negative thoughts and that inner mean girl because today, I don’t feel as good as yesterday and there’s no valid reason for it.

My physical appearance is the same and I’m still as hot as yesterday.

So, fuck you brain. I’m not playing your mind games. I’m fucking fabulous despite your mean little comments and besides, it’s not all about looks (that’s a fuck you to society 🖕🏼).

Have a great day you beautiful people 💕

The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

The dreaded question… “Are you single?”

Why do we feel the need to be in a relationship?

What is so wrong with being single?

I go through phases where I love being single,

and then I get asked “Do you want a boyfriend?” or “Why are you single?”… like there is something wrong with me.

Why is it when we’re single, we are made to feel like some sort of outcast. You’re what? Single? What is wrong with her?

How about maybe I want to be single? Or how about maybe I don’t want to be single and you’ve just reminded me that society thinks I’m a reject.

HOW ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

There are so many things I love about being single. I love my own space and being able to make mess and lounge around in absolutely nothing.

and then I feel like I do want a relationship. That I have so much love to give to someone else.

But regardless of what I want, stop giving me your opinion as to why I’m single and whether I should be in a relationship or not.

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

My Sober Nightmare

I have been sober for 1 year, 6 months and 21 days (and counting) and every so often, I have this really horrible nightmare surrounding my sobriety.

There have been many variations of this nightmare but every time I have it, I am so grateful to wake up. I have jaw ache from grinding my teeth in my sleep and I am drenched in sweat. But I am still so grateful to be awake and to know that it was all a dream.

Last night, I had a sober nightmare. 

I had gone out to a bar and I was sober me. I was saying no to alcohol and and having a nice time.

Suddenly, it’s hours later and I am not right. I’m highly emotional and reckless and I feel completely out of control. I am suddenly with people who aren’t my friends and I am in risky situations that I would never be in sober. This part of the dream involves a lot of frustration, anger and crying. I feel like I am losing my mind and no one seems to care and I’m not sure what to do. It’s horrible.

My dream jumps again to the morning after where I wake up very confused and unsure of what happened. I’m not sure if I’m hungover or tired and I don’t want to ask anyone what I was like last night as I fear a particular answer.

It ends up with one person telling me I didn’t drink and another person telling me I was really drunk and I don’t know the truth because I can’t remember anything.

The sad thing is this isn’t just a nightmare. It was my past. I would go out with good intentions, suddenly be really drunk and out of control and then it would be the next morning and I wouldn’t be able to remember anything.

Then, I’d be left full of remorse and disappointment.

I guess these dreams are just a reminder of what my life is not like now and maybe it is a way of testing myself.

Either way, these dreams feel far more painful than my past because before, I was in denial.

But now, I have accepted my mistakes and my flaws and have done everything I can to change them for the better and let go of the past.

So, I guess my real nightmare would be to lose my sobriety and I will make sure with everything I have got, that won’t happen.

For god’s sake girl, let go of the guilt.

I have a really big issue with who I was and who I am now. Besides going through a lot myself, I constantly feel guilty for people who knew me before I was sober.

I remember times that I’d be drunk and gobbing off to people. I didn’t care what I said or what I did to others whilst I was drunk.

Even before my drinking became bad and I was an emotional, angry teenager who couldn’t deal with anything.

I feel awful for the people who stuck by me throughout everything because sometimes, I could be really nasty and selfish.

Because of this, I feel like I owe people something. I’m not sure what it is I owe them but sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

I’ve tried to reconnect with people through social media. Sometimes it works and sometimes, it doesn’t.

I’ll sit for ages thinking about what people would say about me. If someone was to describe me, what would they really say?

It’s so silly because I don’t care for the negative opinions of others now but if they have some connection to my past, I feel like I have something to apologise for and something to prove.

It normally ends up in feeling really shit about myself and I become weak, almost wanting to beg for forgiveness.

And the reality is, most of these people hurt me. I may have been an annoyance in their life or have caused them some pain but they also did the same to me. Yet, I still put all the blame on myself.

The truth is no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.

I’m not perfect, I never have been and I never will be.

Just know that everything I have been through, good or bad, has been a valuable lesson.

I don’t hold hate in my heart anymore. People can change.

I just need to find the strength in myself to let go of the past. The present is what’s important to build the best future for myself and by holding on to the past, I am just holding myself back and burdening myself with things that cannot be changed.

Give yourself a break girl, life’s too short.

 

 

 

 

I’ve forgotten.

After writing a blog post yesterday for the first time in ages, I decided to read through my old blog posts and wow.

I’ve realised that I really have forgotten what it feels like to be intoxicated.

I can’t remember the feeling of tipsiness after a couple of drinks. I can’t remember the physical sensation. It’s so strange. I also can’t remember what a hangover feels like. I mean I guess this is a blessing.

All I remember is my behaviour and how I felt mentally but even then, after reading my old blog posts, it broke my heart to read “I honestly believe if I do not stop drinking that I will cause serious harm to myself and/or to others… I honestly think I will end up dead.”

I remember feeling like this. I felt like this for years. Constantly suffering with the darkest thoughts and harming myself in various ways including substances.

I never ever thought that becoming sober would change as much as it has. Hand on my heart, I can honestly say I am happy. I am in control of who I am and I love my life.

I have only been sober for 1 year 5 months and I can’t believe how different everything is now. Every aspect of my life has changed for the better.

When I talk about my past and my behaviours, the people who never knew that Kelly find it hard to believe that I am talking about myself. I also find it hard to believe that I am talking about myself.

I love reflecting and I think it is super important to stay humble. Sobriety is the best choice I ever made.

 

 

I went to the worst place on earth… School.

Today my foster sister went to her school prom and she looked beautiful. She goes to the school that I went to at her age. I wanted to feel happy and enjoy the moment but instead, I felt insecure, anxious and sad. 

We went to a place called Foster Gardens where everyone has their pictures taken. It’s a lovely opportunity for people to meet up with their friends and take group pictures with a pretty background. Perfect for instagram.

However, I noticed so many people alone not having people to take pictures with and it broke my heart.

It reminded me of being at school and feeling isolated. Constantly battling to stay afloat whilst feeling like you’re drowning.

Everyone’s experience at school is different but I really hated school. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning but I hated the social aspect of school.

I was a bubbly, sociable person but I was also insecure and suffering with my mental health. I hated injustice and couldn’t stand bullys which also got me into trouble.

I know I had friends at school and I know there were good times but it is so hard to remember them. Most of my happy memories are crushed by people letting me down or simply worse experiences.

School was the time that I started self-harming and drinking. I constantly felt out of control and I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to people.

When I went to watch the prom tonight, I remembered every single person who bullied me, every time I cried, every time I walked out of school because I couldn’t cope. I remembered all the rumours which were so silly but caused so much drama, all the people who said they were my friend and were not. I remembered the pressure of looking a specific way and I remember the people who got bullied because they didn’t fit the criteria. I remembered it all.

I really hope that the good and decent people never listened to those rumours. I hope that when I was really suffering mentally, people felt sad for me instead of believing that I was an attention seeker. I really hope that any one I ever upset or hurt, they can forgive me because I really am sorry.

And if we went to school together and you see me on the street, at a party, on facebook, then please say hello. And if for some reason I hurt your feelings, definitely say hello. Lets start again!