The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

Why do we get drunk?

(This is a bit of a random rant so excuse me but…)

Why do we get drunk?

If someone can give me a valid answer to this question, then I will eat my hat! That’s how the saying goes right?

Many people say to me “Eurgh I’m gonna be so hungover on…” or “I’ll start that after the weekend because I’ll be so drunk, I won’t be able to do anything for a few days”.

People seem to think that a big event such as a holiday, a birthday, a festival etc involves getting absolutely wasted. But when people moan about the aftermath, what is the point?

Essentially, you are paying for something: a girls holiday for example. Don’t get me wrong, I went to Benidorm with my bestfriend and I spent the holiday drunk but the hangovers had got to have been the worst I’ve ever experienced. 

Lets think about this rationally= I paid for an amazing experience to spent a couple of hours enjoying being out of my head each day and double the time recovering each day.

How does that make sense?

As well as this, why do people think that they need to get drunk to enjoy things in life?

I love partying and I love holidays but when people go overboard and drink excessively, are you really enjoying it? I know I wasn’t. Not as much as I do now.

Are you going to remember it?

Are you going to enjoy it to the full potential?

There’s nothing wrong with having a relaxing or social drink but most young people in England believe that binge drinking their way through weekends is the way to let off steam and enjoy themselves.

You have question why you feel that your source of fun is going out and getting really drunk. Some people might just generally enjoy it but I am actually still yet to meet someone who honestly drinks just for “fun”.

When I did my research project the two top findings as to why people binge drink were:

1/ to have fun but most of these people also picked number two.

2/ to make themselves feel better. This involved to build confidence, to forget things, to feel less anxious, to feel less depressed, to feel like they fit in. 

Why work so hard for things in life to piss it up the wall with getting drunk?

I have no judgement. Of course, I don’t. I used to drink because I thought it was what I had to do to have fun. I thought I was enjoying myself. I thought that I thought it was fun. But really, I was masking a lot of unconscious anger, frustration and pain. I didn’t even realise I was repressing these feelings. I never let myself feel those things.

What I am trying to say is that before you go out and decide to get annihilated with your friends, ask yourself why you are going to get drunk? and what is the worst that can happen if you don’t get really drunk?

 

 

 

 

Feeling ‘High On Life’!

Today, I received the best news.

My goal of creating a society for people who don’t drink or take drugs was accepted.

Here, I present: High On Life society!

YAAAAY FRICKING YAYYYY.

After first, we were rejected. We were told there were societies at the university that do not push drinking (boardgames, harry potter, oddsoc). We were also told there is a lot of support at the uni for people who struggle with substances. I felt really misunderstood. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting people with similar lifestyles and not feeling pressured to drink or take drugs.

I decided I wouldn’t give up so I collected statements from everyone who wanted to be apart of the society and wrote an email expressing the high demand for the society. After several emails sent back and forth, we got an appeal. As I was at home, three people in the society volunteered to go in my place and thank god they did because they did a wonderful job! AND WE FINALLY GOT ACCEPTED AS AN OFFICIAL SOCIETY!

University is great but it can also be incredibly hard if you don’t follow the party life drinking student stereotype. In fact, University can be hard full stop, let alone battling with your own life choices not to drink or take drugs.

The society idea came about when I stopped drinking and struggled to find fun things to do that I enjoyed without alcohol or drugs. Whilst, there were societies that do not push alcohol, I did not enjoy their focus e.g boardgames and after searching online for local groups of people who do not drink, I only found people of the older generation. There were also many support groups but I did not want to go to those, I just wanted to make friends who did not drink for whatever reason and have fun, just like I did when I was drinking but without the alcohol.

Many events and nights out are centred around the party lifestyle and despite still loving to party, it can be really hard when your sober to turn up and remain confident without your liquid confidence. Especially when people question you as a person for not drinking. Even more so when people think they can persuade you to drink.

I have nothing against anyone drinking. Most of my friends drink. In fact, all of them do and I love them all. But sometimes, you need that option. You need an option to socialise with people who have a similar lifestyle to you in relation to substances.

I have tried to find people at university who don’t drink or take drugs for whatever reason and I have found it so hard. I started to feel isolated. But hey presto, I didn’t give up and I managed to find people who felt exactly the same as I did!

As well as feeling confident in my life choices now, I feel so relieved that I have found people from all walks of life who do not drink/take drugs for whatever reason. It is so refreshing. I finally feel like I’m not so ‘odd’. Finally, I feel like sobriety or just not obsessing over alcohol and drugs is becoming normality for a lot of people.

High On Life society is going to be three things:

• A sense of belonging: we all want to feel a part of something and all of the societies at university involve alcohol one way or another.
• The chance to network: to finally meet people who choose to have a good time without substances.
• To have fun without pressure: just because we don’t drink or take drugs does not mean we are boring. I am going to make it my mission to prove to the world that you don’t need alcohol and drugs to have fun. We are going to do everything that drinkers and drug takers do, just without the substances.

I can’t describe how happy I am that the society was finally accepted. People can do what they want in their spare time but our socials are going to be fun without substances. To know that when we meet up for socials, people will all be there for the same reason; To have fun without alcohol or drugs. Makes me sooo happy!

PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP. IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL DESPITE BEING TOLD YOU CAN’T!

Ahhhh I can’t even write anymore, I’m tooooo happy 🙂

Kelly, out.

 

 

 

Stop judging me because I take anti-depressants!

I have decided to blog every day this week in support of Mental Health Awareness Week!

I have blogged about many different topics and I was really unsure what to write about today. However, I thought “why not start with something that people tend to ignore?” and for me, that was medication.

It is hard enough for individuals to seek help when they are struggling with their mental health. There are so many posts and advertisements promoting counselling, talking therapies and verbalising mental health. However, there is very little about the prescribed medication that many people take to help them on their journey.

I have had a negative comments about taking medication:

• “You’re too young to take those”
• “You’re supposed to be drinking and partying at your age and now you can’t drink, whats the point?”
• “Happy pills”
• “Nasty pills”
• “Crazy pills”
• “They don’t even work”
• “You’ll get addicted“
• “You’re not facing your problems“

OKAY I GET IT.

Here are your answers:

• No one is too young to suffer with their mental health. If you have ever suffered and felt that unbearable desperation to feel better, when someone offers you a pill that can make you feel better, you want to take it.
• Society tells me I should be getting drunk. However, science tells me that alcohol is a depressant so should a depressed person get smashed on depressants? Or take medication to make her feel better?
• They are happy pills. Not nasty and not crazy. If they were I wouldn’t take them.
• They don’t work for everyone but they work for me. You never know until you try and if you are that desperate to gain back control of your life, you will try.
• As for addiction, I have been addicted to a lot of things and my medication is not one. So, I have to disagree.

I started feeling low moods from the age of 12 and it wasn’t until I was 19, that I reached out for medical help.

I had previously had counselling and whilst it did help me, it wasn’t enough.

I walked into the doctors surgery and told them I was ready to give up and I needed help. I was clearly exhausted and they prescribed my first anti-depressant…

Citalopram  (Celexa)

This was my first experience with anti-depressants and it was hard. When you first take anti-depressants, you are told several things…

• It is important to not miss any tablets
• To not drink or take recreational drugs
• You may experience suicidal feelings
• You may experience a range of side effects

Safe to say, choosing to take anti-depressants was the best thing I ever did but the first few months were exhausting.

I walked around like a zombie for several weeks. Self harmed more than ever. Had really dark suicidal thoughts. Went to visit my friend in Oxford and paid for a £250 taxi home after a drunken emotional breakdown… Should of listened when I was told not to drink. Oops.

But it is so important to remember, you are taking drugs that are altering your brain chemistry. You are going to feel irrational whilst your brain balances itself back out to a stable level.

After a few months, I felt better but not good enough. I went back to the doctors and they changed my prescription.

Sertraline  (Zoloft)

I began to feel better. My dark thoughts were still looming but they were a little more bearable. However, I had physical side effects. I was very shakey and I would wake up several times a night, absolutely drenched in sweat and shivering.

After trying my best to stick it out for a couple of months. I went back to the doctors. They prescribed my last and current medication.

Fluoxetine  (Prozac)

Finally, something started to work. I felt the same as I did on Sertraline but with less physical symptoms. I started to feel good.

NOTE: Whilst I was taking anti-depressants, I began cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT).

I have been taking fluoxetine for 4 years and despite the comments and sly digs about my happy pills, I am content and I am not coming off them.

A bit of neuroscience…

The only type of antidepressants I have taken are known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (also know as SSRI’s). Serotonin is a monoamine neurotransmitter that works in the brain to help maintain and balance moods and helps contribute to the well being and happiness of individuals. SSRI’s block or delay the re-absorption of serotonin and this increases the levels of serotonin within the brain.

Basically, an individual may not have enough serotonin and by taking this medication, it brings the individual to a ‘normal’ and stable level. By feeling stable and content, rational thinking will become much easier and it can reduce feelings of depression and anxiety. It can reduce impulsivity and irrational thoughts. It gives you time to breathe.

People regularly ask if I am going to come off my medication. The answer is No. Not yet. Not right now. None of your business.

Life is full of ups and downs and when I start to think things are going great, things can go wrong. I remember who I was 4 years ago and it scares me. Until I am in a good place and have a valid reason to come off my medication, I’m not going to.

Taking medication for your mental health is NOTHING to be ashamed about. If you have a sprained wrist and you need to let it heal on its own, you might take some painkillers. Anti-depressants can help stablise your mind before you begin to tackle the challenges in your life.

I am a massive supporter of talking therapies and counselling but there is room for medication and therapies to work together. 

It shouldn’t matter how you get to who you want to be, it should matter that you get there. 

Drugs. Therapy. Nothing. The most important thing is that you beat your demons, not how you fight them.

Most importantly, it may take some time to find the right medication for you. You may feel a lot of side effects or none at all. You may be on them for a year and you may be on them forever. However, whatever happens, don’t forget you are in control of your choices. If you choose to take them, to change them, to up the dose, to stop taking them, to never try them then that is your choice. They aren’t a cure and they also aren’t compulsory. However, they are an option and options are good!

So if, like this adorable sloth, you want to know more about anti-depressants and medication, I have pasted a few links below with information about the different types and what they do.

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/treatmentswellbeing/antidepressants.aspx

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Antidepressant-drugs/Pages/Introduction.aspx

https://mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/antidepressants/#.WRDl_RIrL8M

 

 

A day in the life of a stressed student with an essay due…

This is basically my life today.

 The struggles to get up.

Then run to the toilet because you’ve been holding in your wee all night.

Brush ya teeth because you got coffee breath from the day before.

Force yourself to eat. You’ll thank yourself later.

Make lots of coffee.

AND IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!

Shower. You smell gross.

Now… prepare for this awful essay writing day.

Plan your essay over and over.

Start writing your essay.

Then day dream about the days when you had nothing to do and you took it for granted.

Then attempt more work but get angry and lose yo’ shit.

Take a deep breath and start again.

But instead of starting again, you procrastinate.

Coffee would be a great idea!

Buzzing and ready to work.

Then realising you’ve been writing utter shit and you have to redo parts of your work.

Then decide whether to scream or cry.

Decide to do both and resort to toddler mode.

Feel sorry for yourself. Cry.

Maybe you’re hungry? eat lots of sugary goodness.

And drink MORE coffee.

…so much coffee that you question whether your cat could write a better essay than you.

Shake it off and ignore the caffeine overdose.

Lets do this bitches.

Finally, you got this.

Celebrate on your own.

Put some music on and really celebrate. Shake it.

Call your friends and celebrate together.

d

Get excited and ready to party because you have succeeded.

But actually you just crash out on your bed and prepare yourself to start again tomorrow.

CAN’T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!

Emotions are not the enemy. Face them. Embrace them.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have achieved is accepting how I feel.

Have you ever felt angry and grabbed a bottle?

Ever been pissed off and ran for the cigarettes?

Had an argument with your partner and self harmed?

Had a shit last day at work and had a drug binge?

Short term fixes actually fix nothing.

For years, I would cope by using short term coping strategies and it never fixed anything.

The biggest accomplishment and sense of achievement is having a period of anxiety, depression, sadness, anger and doing simply nothing.

To feel anxious, starting to shake, sweating, freaking the hell out and then after a while feeling calm again is the best.

You may even shed a few tears but crying is better than cutting, smoking or any other short term relief.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I think “Fuck it” and want to have a cigarette or a night out of mind but there’s two ways I deal with this:

1/ Distraction. If I really can’t cope with processing the emotions properly at that time, I use a short term fix BUT a healthy one. I go to the gym. I write a blog. I paint my nails. I have a shower. I have a nap. I put on netflix and chill…

or

2/ Acceptance. Accept that feeling. Let it come. You are going to feel it sooner or later but what’s important is to remember to: Be rational. You are feeling angry and it’s ok to feel angry. Say it out loud. Shout it. You are entitled to feel however you feel. No matter how silly you feel for feeling like that. You feel angry because your car broke down. That’s why you feel angry, accept it. Why is it making you angry? Because you need to get to work and do the food shopping and now you cant. So whats the solution? Alcohol? Drugs? No. Get a bus, call a friend, walk. There are always solutions but they only come with a rational mind.

Just take a breath. In and out. In… Out…

Distract and don’t react.

Then accept and just be. Be rational.

The problems you have right now won’t be a problem in years to come. Just like the problems you used to stress over. Where are they now? Gone. You overcome them just like you can overcome the present stressful situations.

Lastly, there is nothing weak about feeling weak. Emotions are not controllable. Anger does not have to be a negative emotion. Neither does sadness. You need to accept that they are a part of who you are and let them come.

Sit on the riverbank and watch the emotions flow past, don’t struggle in the river and swim against the stream. You will only drown.

 

I came, I saw, I conquered and I partied sober bitches.

Ever been out clubbing sober?

I have been out in the last month or so twice and I did not drink or take drugs.

 

The first night out was in a dingy “club” in Gosport where dreams come to die. It’s called ‘Emma’s’. Don’t go.

Anyway, I went out with my aunty who loves a good night out when she’s not being a full time mum to her two young children. Despite not being too bothered whether my aunty drank alcohol, we decided to both be sober. Firstly, we headed to a pub and we bought an energy drink. In fact, we had two energy drinks and sang our hearts out to Christina Aguilera’s Dirrrrrty! After a while, we headed to the local club. This is where it gets interesting.

So to set the scene:

Sticky floors, bad disco lights, a wall to wall packed sweaty room with the ratio of men being way higher than women. Everyone was absolutely wasted. In all honesty, you have to be to go there. I looked around the room and saw the usual faces. Nevertheless, make the best out of a bad situation. We danced, we sang, we were given blackcurrant squash for free and then we left. We got a subway, got a taxi, went to bed and woke up happy and hangover-less. Fabulous.

The second time I went out sober was Saturday night. However, this was with my best friend of over 10 years and we grew up together discovering alcohol, trying alcohol, abusing alcohol and basically partying for a really long time. So to go out with my best friend sober was absolutely terrifying. It made me miss the old times and for a minute, it made me question my choices. But I knew that my best friend supported my decision. I would be mad if I had a drink and it wasn’t worth ruining 5 weeks of sobriety for a couple of hours losing my mind.

We got dressed up whilst dancing to Beyonce and we headed out for town. We went to a pub which played the most awesome throwback tunes and we sang our hearts out whilst awkwardly dancing sat down. I had a tropical redbull and my friend had a double vodka and lemonade. Buzzing.

We had three rounds and then left for Revenge; possibly my favourite club in Brighton. Full of straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transexual, you name it. There is no judgement in revenge and the music is as fabulous as the drag queen walking around in 6 inch heels.

The music was just what we wanted and what we needed. Cheesy throwback pop tunes to fill you with empowering thoughts and happy memories. We danced for a long time and had another 2 rounds in the club. Then around 2am, which is early for drunk people but late for sober people, we headed out to get food. We got a subway, jumped on the bus and headed home. We woke up the next day, got up and spent the day looking around Brighton and enjoying the day. It was such a good weekend!

I have to say that these are the only two nights that I can honestly say I have enjoyed. There is a 90% chance of waking up in the morning after an alcohol infused night out and regretting it. I can’t remember the last time I went out drinking and truly enjoyed myself and these two times, I had a blast.

So here are a few things I have learnt from partying sober:

• Clubs are hunting grounds. Guys tend to stand around the edges watching the girls dancing and getting more drunk. Taking off your beer goggles and watch! It’s fascinating.
• Alcohol really does make people more attractive. Self explanatory really.
• Drinks are either free or pennies if it is not alcoholic. This is my favourite.
• It doesn’t really matter what you look like, it matters how drunk you are. The girls who were more wasted looked more vulnerable and there were approached by the most guys.
• You can still ‘break the seal’. I don’t know if it was the amount of water and red bull I was drinking but damn, I still needed the toilet a lot.
•  No one notices if you are sober which is great if you are worried about being judged.
• Your make-up and hair still looks great at the end of the night. Always great for selfies!
• You are less likely to fall over, cry, break something. Normally, I lose things and come home with multiple bruises. The last two nights that I had went out, I came back in one piece with all of my belongings.
• The whole night is cheap. One night cost me £11. This included three drinks, club entry and money towards the taxi back.
• YOU CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

Basically, I loved it. I can enjoy life without alcohol and to finally be able to do that feels fantastic! A weight has been lifted. So, if you were cautious of drunk kelly, get ready for sober kelly ’cause I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!

 

 

Despite what you think, I am fucking fabulous.

Excuse my french. Kind of.

With the pressure of studying and essays, the torture of my mental health and the new journey I am on; sometimes, I feel like crap.

Sometimes I feel like I am strong and I am proud of who I am and other days, I feel like maybe I should just go and get drunk, wasted, not caring. If I did that maybe I’d have more friends. If I didn’t care about myself that much, maybe I’d enjoy life more.

But then I realised I would be settling for less and that is something I will never do.

Just become I am sad sometimes doesn’t mean that I am not strong. Just because I am lazy sometimes doesn’t mean I am not determined. And just because sometimes I want to do nothing, build a den and pretend other people doesn’t exist does not mean that I am not an independent, driven, hardworking person who wants to get the most out of this wonderful world we live in.

I’m not perfect but I don’t want to be.

I wake up in the morning and get up because I want to have a productive day and enjoy it and that makes me feel good.

I eat healthy food because I like the taste and it makes me feel good.

I exercise when I get the chance because I am good at it and it makes me feel good.

I don’t drink alcohol because I am a better person without it and being sober makes me feel good. 

I have really good friends but only an amount that I can count on one hand and thats because I choose quality, not quantity and that makes me feel good. 

I have a job because I like the independence of earning and the pride of a job well done and that makes me feel good.

I am single because I want to be and when I look at the list above, I realise I am worthy of a healthy loving relationship.

AND THIS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

I woke up today tired and irritable. I was feeling low and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I dragged myself out of bed, had a shower, put my big girl panties on and chose my attitude.

If only every day was as easy as this.

But sometimes, when you feel isolated, depressed with no energy only you can remind youself of how fucking fabulous you are!

and here I am. Happy, loved and crazy. Living life to the full and I am going to continue to live this way.

 

 

 

A genetic predisposition to my alcoholic behaviours?

Whilst I have overcome many things in my life and I know I am a strong individual, everyone needs a little support every now and again.

I had been referred to an alcohol and drugs misuse service and I hoped that this was a way forward. I have previously had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) many years ago and I still remember and use the tools I learnt. However, I thought I’d take a different approach and see if there was a way to tackle my issues around alcohol head on and I thought this would be it.

Yesterday was my second meeting and whilst the two ladies I have met are lovely and seem great at their job, they both had the same look when looking at me.

Almost sad and wanting to help but not sure how to help. There is a lot of help for dependency on alcohol but not for those who binge drink.

It’s okay though, I kind of expected it. But I felt very isolated.

However, both seem shocked at my knowledge around the subject.

I know that I am on medication that does not mix with alcohol. I know that a close family member reacts the exact same way to alcohol. I know that I have tried many behavioural techniques to control my actions under the influence of alcohol. I know why I want to stop and why I need to. I know my life is 100% better without alcohol and 100% worse under the influence. Yet, I still feel like something is missing.

I will always take responsibility for my actions, however, I really feel that the switch that flicks inside of me once I have consumed alcohol has got to be a large genetic influence.

I told one of the ladies about my family member who is the same. She thought this was interesting and told me about “The Asian Gene”.

A syndrome officially known as “The Asian Flush” is where a person of asian descent suffers from bright red flushes to their face and neck and they can also suffer from dizziness, racing heart rates and anxiousness. As well as the main percentage of individuals who have this syndrome are from Asian descent, others can have it too.

I don’t believe I have the syndrome BUT this made me feel a little at ease that there are a large group of people who have an intolerance to alcohol. Maybe there could be something more?

So, I continued my research AND FOUND RESULTS.

A study was conducted in 2010 around the serotonin receptor HTR2b where they found a disruption to the gene which could affect decision making and an individuals amount of self-control when under the influence of alcohol. This could make the individual more prone to impulsive behaviour. However, the study was conducted on violent offenders who had alcohol problems. But still, this was a start.

I continued researching and found a recent study following up the 2010 study. A Psychiatrist in Helsinki called Roope Tikkanen researched impulsive behaviour in 2015 and retrieved information from 14 individuals who carried the mutated gene. Tikkanen also had 156 control participants who did not have the gene. His findings were that the carriers of the gene were more aggressive and behaved more impulsively under the influence of alcohol than those who did not carry the mutated gene.

As well this, Tikkanen stated that his most interesting finding was that the 14 individuals who carried the mutated gene showed more impulsive behaviours sober than the 156 control participants (e.g. spending lots of money, impulsive sex, extreme sports).

This study was relatively small and cannot really be generalised BUT it is still incredibly interesting.

I have also said that under the influence of alcohol, there is a point of no return for me where something changes and I become impulsive and partake in risky behaviours that I am less likely to do sober. Most of the time when I am drunk, I am doing impulsive things without even being aware of doing it. It is not until the morning after that I realise the mistakes I have made.

After leaving the service this morning and feeling isolated and alone because I am not alcohol dependent and there is little help for “binged drinkers”, this information has made me a feel a little less alone. 

I am going to continue researching into the HTR2b receptor and alcohol intolerance as I feel there has got to be something more. I love the Nature/Nurture debate but I do believe that alcohol chemically changes you and this has got to have different affects on different people and there has got to be an answer for it!

Hmmm, new research project?… I should probably leave for a lecture now!

Have a great day!