My last alcoholic drink

*TRIGGER WARNING*

A year ago today tonight was the last time I drank alcohol.

I went into it with the intention of having fun and I was determined and positive that I could and would control myself under the influence of alcohol.

I was drinking Rosé wine with my boyfriend and I facetimed my mum at around 9pm all happy and giggly.

We then went to my house and played beer pong. I was still laughing by this point. We were ready to go to bed and by this time, I didn’t know what time it was. I went upstairs to the toilet and my boyfriend had just gotten into bed. My best friend called me whilst I was on the toilet and in all honesty that is the last thing I clearly remember.

The night suddenly turned into my worst nightmare and I feel I need to share it. People don’t understand why I don’t drink and I don’t need to justify my reasons why. However, when I tell people that I go crazy, they say “so does everyone” or “everyone has a night like that”, I want you to know that if you only ever have one awful night of drinking, that is a good enough reason for you to want to stop drinking. Don’t feel pressured by society to carry on because English culture is one of the biggest binge drinking cultures in the world.

Anyway, my memory is very vague by this point.

Just remember, I went upstairs happy. Giggly. Ready to come back and cuddle my boyfriend in bed.

I came downstairs and collapsed on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. I then proceeded to scream and hold my head. Mumbling about events I had repressed and also events I thought I had mentally dealt with. I don’t know what triggered this behaviour and that is what is so frightening.

I then became determined again but my determination had changed. It had gone from being determined to have a good night to now, being determined to harm myself.

I pretended to get a drink in the kitchen and took a knife to the bathroom where my boyfriend kicked the door in. I did this repeatedly with other sharp objects. I smashed glass cups, glass bottles and in the end, I smashed my wall mirror.

The strange thing about this is that I didn’t use my fist. I wanted to hurt myself but instead of punching the mirror, I grabbed my can of deodorant and repeatedly smashed the mirror. I then grabbed pieces of the broken glass, ran away and cut my arm.

Whilst this was going on, my boyfriend was trying to catch me, restrain me and calm me down but I only saw red. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I just needed to get what I wanted and in that moment in time, it was to hurt myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my boyfriend’s bed with a sore head. I sat bolt up right with the realisation of what had happened. I looked at my arm which my boyfriend had bandaged up and I felt so empty. I hadn’t been this out of control in 4 years. My boyfriend was fast asleep and I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look at myself.

The feeling I felt whilst out of control drunk was a strangely comfortable feeling but it had to stop. It was dangerous. Every time I reached that level of drunk, I took it to the next step. I’ve never smashed a mirror before to hurt myself. I’d also never hurt myself to that extent before. What if next time I was so drunk that I ended my life. I didn’t want to die. I was just hurting.

The feeling I felt when I woke up that morning is one I will never forget and sometimes it haunts me. It’s not because I felt bad about what I did to myself. It’s because of what I put my boyfriend through. The responsibility of looking after me. Trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Watching them self-destruct and being so determined to harm their body. I then remembered everyone else who had ever suffered in that position. My mum, my best friends, even people who weren’t that close with me but felt obliged to fix me at that moment in time.

I felt disgusted. The person who I became when I was drunk was so detached from who I was sober.

Sober, I would put 100% into my work and my studies. I would go to the gym. I would enjoy spending time with family and friends. I had goals, ambitions, dreams and I was determined to have an amazing life.

But as soon as alcohol entered my system, I was gone and this monster who hated herself came out. She would remind herself of ever traumatic experience she’d been through and make her relive the pain. She was self-destructive and dangerous. But most of all, she didn’t know or remember what exactly she was doing. It was like she had gone into auto-pilot.

Saying that my body and mind had gone into auto-pilot is not an excuse for my behaviour but it is exactly how I felt. My body would continue to act and behave in certain ways and I would have certain thoughts but I would lose my eyesight, my memory and my self-control.

This night was the last night I drank alcohol and I made the biggest and best decision of my life to stop drinking.

I wasn’t giving up something, I was freeing myself and allowing myself to be the best version of who I am.

It is important for me to write this, not only for other people to understand or to relate to and know it is okay to have a problem with substances but it is important to write this for myself.

It is really horrible to remember what I was like and what I did when I was drinking but it is so important. Reflection is incredibly important and it keeps me striving forwards with my sobriety and pushes me forwards to be the person I am and who I want to be.

Lastly, this is an apology. To anyone I hurt physically or mentally whilst I was under the influence of alcohol. You might remember horrible words I said or disgusting behaviour and the worst thing is, I probably don’t remember. So please, forgive me for who I was before I stopped drinking. I was suffering with my mental health and with substance misuse. There is no excuse for anything I ever did but know that I am truly sorry and I am not the person I once was.

Nearly 1 year sober.

Peace out xx

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

Feeling ‘High On Life’!

Today, I received the best news.

My goal of creating a society for people who don’t drink or take drugs was accepted.

Here, I present: High On Life society!

YAAAAY FRICKING YAYYYY.

After first, we were rejected. We were told there were societies at the university that do not push drinking (boardgames, harry potter, oddsoc). We were also told there is a lot of support at the uni for people who struggle with substances. I felt really misunderstood. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting people with similar lifestyles and not feeling pressured to drink or take drugs.

I decided I wouldn’t give up so I collected statements from everyone who wanted to be apart of the society and wrote an email expressing the high demand for the society. After several emails sent back and forth, we got an appeal. As I was at home, three people in the society volunteered to go in my place and thank god they did because they did a wonderful job! AND WE FINALLY GOT ACCEPTED AS AN OFFICIAL SOCIETY!

University is great but it can also be incredibly hard if you don’t follow the party life drinking student stereotype. In fact, University can be hard full stop, let alone battling with your own life choices not to drink or take drugs.

The society idea came about when I stopped drinking and struggled to find fun things to do that I enjoyed without alcohol or drugs. Whilst, there were societies that do not push alcohol, I did not enjoy their focus e.g boardgames and after searching online for local groups of people who do not drink, I only found people of the older generation. There were also many support groups but I did not want to go to those, I just wanted to make friends who did not drink for whatever reason and have fun, just like I did when I was drinking but without the alcohol.

Many events and nights out are centred around the party lifestyle and despite still loving to party, it can be really hard when your sober to turn up and remain confident without your liquid confidence. Especially when people question you as a person for not drinking. Even more so when people think they can persuade you to drink.

I have nothing against anyone drinking. Most of my friends drink. In fact, all of them do and I love them all. But sometimes, you need that option. You need an option to socialise with people who have a similar lifestyle to you in relation to substances.

I have tried to find people at university who don’t drink or take drugs for whatever reason and I have found it so hard. I started to feel isolated. But hey presto, I didn’t give up and I managed to find people who felt exactly the same as I did!

As well as feeling confident in my life choices now, I feel so relieved that I have found people from all walks of life who do not drink/take drugs for whatever reason. It is so refreshing. I finally feel like I’m not so ‘odd’. Finally, I feel like sobriety or just not obsessing over alcohol and drugs is becoming normality for a lot of people.

High On Life society is going to be three things:

• A sense of belonging: we all want to feel a part of something and all of the societies at university involve alcohol one way or another.
• The chance to network: to finally meet people who choose to have a good time without substances.
• To have fun without pressure: just because we don’t drink or take drugs does not mean we are boring. I am going to make it my mission to prove to the world that you don’t need alcohol and drugs to have fun. We are going to do everything that drinkers and drug takers do, just without the substances.

I can’t describe how happy I am that the society was finally accepted. People can do what they want in their spare time but our socials are going to be fun without substances. To know that when we meet up for socials, people will all be there for the same reason; To have fun without alcohol or drugs. Makes me sooo happy!

PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP. IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL DESPITE BEING TOLD YOU CAN’T!

Ahhhh I can’t even write anymore, I’m tooooo happy 🙂

Kelly, out.

 

 

 

Because going into an environment where people are absolutely smashed is a great idea for a sober person…

I wonder if anyone really understands how hard it is to be in an environment where drugs and alcohol are being consumed and to not use either. 

It’s not necessarily hard because I want to do those things but it is emotionally and mentally draining. The triggers and constant reminders of what has happened, who you were, who you could be and so much more.

People may look at me like I am boring but I am fucking strong. I’m not sorry for swearing.

I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t touch a drug and I didn’t even smoke a cigarette. The closest to drunk I got was the red wine that was spilt down my jeans by my drunk friend.

On reflection of my choice to go a festival yesterday, why on earth would I go into an environment where everyone is doing the extreme of something I don’t want to do. Am I crazy or am I crazy?

People weren’t drinking to have a nice time. People were drinking to get smashed. They were absolutely lamp-shaded! Everyone. Everywhere. Am I crazy? 

It’s like if you were trying to give up smoking, you wouldn’t go and stand with someone smoking. But it’s as if I went and spent my whole day in a packed smoking area with people chain-smoking.

KELLY, ARE YOU CRAY? GIRL, YOU CRAY! 

Since last night, I have felt in despair. Desperate. Frustrated. Angry. Why have I been dealt this card? When I submerge myself into environments where there is excessive drugs and alcohol, I always face this question. I act as if not drinking or taking drugs is a punishment. Like I am holding myself back.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

By not drinking I am giving myself a chance at the best life possible. I am freeing myself of things that have a negative affect on myself. I wouldn’t feel bad for giving up cake so why do I feel bad for giving up alcohol? It’s ridiculous. I am not being punished, I am rewarding myself with life.

At the same time, I am so proud of my determinism for a better life. I am proud of the determinism to not take drugs and drink alcohol and I am proud of the control I have over myself despite the constant voices in my head arguing and telling me what I should be doing.

It makes me sad because the only reason I think I should be doing those things is because society has taught me that’s what people do and it is the norm.

The decision to stop drinking was the best one I’ve made and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss it. I don’t think about when I’m going to have my next drink. However, I feel like I am really having to question a lot about my life right now. 

So many questions are flying through my head… Like am I going to find a potential life partner who isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time? Will I ever make good friends who aren’t going to get drunk all the time? Are the people in my life right now honestly supporting my decision or are they making it harder? Am I always going to be socialised into a heavy drinking environment? Do I need to be putting up with this shit?

Yesterday’s antics stressed me out so much that I dreamt about drinking alcohol. Ridiculous.

At the end of the day, people have their own lives and their own choices. But I stand by mine. I am proud. So goddamn proud that I am sober. I really love life and I don’t want to die with any regret. So watch this space.

I am sober and I am far from boring.

 

Emotions are not the enemy. Face them. Embrace them.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have achieved is accepting how I feel.

Have you ever felt angry and grabbed a bottle?

Ever been pissed off and ran for the cigarettes?

Had an argument with your partner and self harmed?

Had a shit last day at work and had a drug binge?

Short term fixes actually fix nothing.

For years, I would cope by using short term coping strategies and it never fixed anything.

The biggest accomplishment and sense of achievement is having a period of anxiety, depression, sadness, anger and doing simply nothing.

To feel anxious, starting to shake, sweating, freaking the hell out and then after a while feeling calm again is the best.

You may even shed a few tears but crying is better than cutting, smoking or any other short term relief.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I think “Fuck it” and want to have a cigarette or a night out of mind but there’s two ways I deal with this:

1/ Distraction. If I really can’t cope with processing the emotions properly at that time, I use a short term fix BUT a healthy one. I go to the gym. I write a blog. I paint my nails. I have a shower. I have a nap. I put on netflix and chill…

or

2/ Acceptance. Accept that feeling. Let it come. You are going to feel it sooner or later but what’s important is to remember to: Be rational. You are feeling angry and it’s ok to feel angry. Say it out loud. Shout it. You are entitled to feel however you feel. No matter how silly you feel for feeling like that. You feel angry because your car broke down. That’s why you feel angry, accept it. Why is it making you angry? Because you need to get to work and do the food shopping and now you cant. So whats the solution? Alcohol? Drugs? No. Get a bus, call a friend, walk. There are always solutions but they only come with a rational mind.

Just take a breath. In and out. In… Out…

Distract and don’t react.

Then accept and just be. Be rational.

The problems you have right now won’t be a problem in years to come. Just like the problems you used to stress over. Where are they now? Gone. You overcome them just like you can overcome the present stressful situations.

Lastly, there is nothing weak about feeling weak. Emotions are not controllable. Anger does not have to be a negative emotion. Neither does sadness. You need to accept that they are a part of who you are and let them come.

Sit on the riverbank and watch the emotions flow past, don’t struggle in the river and swim against the stream. You will only drown.

 

5 months (and 1 day) sober baby!

A belated celebration post!

Thats 5 months, 1 day, 11 hours and 18 minutes.

Thats 21 weeks, 5 days, 11 hours and 18 minutes.

Thats 152 days, 11 hours, 18 minutes and 48 seconds.

Thats 3658 hours, 18 minutes and 48 seconds.

Seriously, what an achievement.

In this time, my life has changed dramatically and I am truly happy.

It’s very strange to actually believe that I ever drank alcohol excessively. I have to look at old pictures to remember what my life was like 5 months ago. Even then it’s still hard to remember the emotions and turmoil I was suffering. I regularly re-read my blog to remind me how much I have achieved and how amazing that is because I forget. I forget that I was consuming ridiculous amounts of alcohol at the weekend. I forget about the people I was associating myself with and what I thought friendship was. I forget about the bad choices I made when under the influence and most of the irrational thinking. 

However, I do not forget how awful I felt and I never forget the suffering I was putting my loved ones through. I will never forgot the fight to get here and the enormous amount of pride I feel. 

I’m so glad I started this blog even though I rarely write anymore but it is such a powerful reminder of what I have experienced. Reading words like “An unattractive, aggressive, emotional binge drinker” when describing myself or “Hand on heart, I never thought that I would have to stop drinking but also, I never believed I would stay sober.” is a powerful reminder of what I was like and what I believed and felt.

It is so nice to live in reality. I love being able to have dreams and ambitions and even though they were always achievable before, the poison has gone and my rational thinking is back and everything is clear. Everything is possible.

I now know where I stand. I know what I want and instead of making impossible plans to achieve my goals and when failing, going into fuck it mode and getting absolutely wasted, I make realistic and achievable paths. 

It is crazy how the mind works and how it can change in a second. My depression is so much more under control, I often forget it’s there. My anxiety still likes to pop up like an old friend as if to say “Don’t forget me” but that’s okay because it reminds me I’m human. We feel emotions and it’s okay to feel whatever I feel because now, nothing is influencing my feelings. My emotions and feelings are sober.

So, a big, long rant of a blog post with no specific point apart front the fact that nothing is impossible when you want it so badly and I am incredibly happy.

The Liebester Award

I haven’t been blogging long but I am bless to be nominated for the Liebester Award by the lovely https://wordsonwhim.wordpress.com.

So, along with the Liebster Award comes some questions. So here are my answers! Do enjoy!

1) Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging as an outlet for when I became sober. I have always been creative and I used to love writing and after writing a couple blog posts, I felt brilliant. I have discovered great things about myself and about others and I believe it has really helped me on my journey.

2) If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

I wouldn’t really change anything. I believe things happen for a reason and I’m making my life better each day. I suppose if I had to pick something then it would be my allergies. Im literally allergic to everything! Animals, dust, perfumes, grass and it sucks. I can get really run down by it all. So, yes, if I had to change one thing, it would be my allergy to life.

3) What are your goals for the future?

I want to live and not just survive. I want to climb mountains and jump out of airplanes. I want to travel the world and meet new people. I want to stay in education as long as it’s available and continue pushing myself to my full potential. I want to become organised with my gym routine and train to the stage that I am happiest. I really just want to be happy. Surround myself with decent, real human beings and live somewhere beautiful. Somewhere that when I wake up every morning, I am grateful to take a breath.

4) Do you prefer books or movies?

I love the thought of books. i have many on my book shelf but I am always busy and never have time to read them. I do watch a lot of movies though. I have a wicked imagination.

5) Do you have any siblings?

Nope. Just plain old me. Although, my mum is now a foster carer so I have a lot of “sister from another mister”‘s.

6) Do you have any pets?

I have a tortoise called Jerry who is my baby boy and will most likely out live me. My mum has 3 dogs which I class as mine also despite not being able to touch them because I will sneeze to death. They’re called Fred, Wilma and Minnie.

7) How many posts have you made on your blog so far?

This will be my 29th blog! Blogging since 15/12/14 yo’.

8) Who is your favourite solo artist/band?

I have a great love for music, all different genres but one artist who has inspired me since I was 14 years young is Taylor Swift. She may have had many boyfriends and you may find her songs annoyingly catchy but she is an amazing performer, an amazing song writer and an amazing person.

9) Do you have a sweet tooth?

I do love a chocolate bar full of popping candy! Although, I eat a lot of healthy food too. I love food and I actually enjoy eating salads and fruit and vegetables but sometimes, you just need that massive vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate sauce!

10) When was the last time you had me-time?

I’ve recently had a week off although I don’t feel like I had much me time. Probably now. i’m supposed to be writing an essay but my brain won’t function and every time I try to write, I just feel like crying so that’s off the cards. Instead, I’ll catch up on some paperwork from work, light some candles and then watch Sons Of Anarchy 🙂

11) What’s your favourite colour? 

Is black a colour? I love black. In fact, I wear it every day. It just looks smart but of course I throw in some colour to make it pop. I like bright pink, dark purple, dark red, emerald green, pale pink and my new favourite is blue. I never thought I would go through a phase of liking blue but here it is…

So I’d just like to thank https://wordsonwhim.wordpress.com again for nominating me. It really did put a smile on my face. Now it’s my turn to nominate!

I NOMINATE:

https://watergirlblognz.wordpress.com

https://stopwineingstartliving.wordpress.com

https://sosoberchic.wordpress.com

Questions:
1. Why did you start blogging?
2. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
3. What are your goals for the future?
4. Which do you prefer, books or movies?
5. Do you have any siblings?
6. Do you have any pets?
7. How many posts have you done in total since starting your blog?
8. Who is your favourite singer/band?
9. Do you have a sweet tooth?
10. When was the last time you had some ‘me time’ to relax?
11. What is your favourite colour?

Award Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you
2. Answer 11 questions
3. Nominate other bloggers who deserve the award
4. Ask them 11 questions
5. Put these rules in your post
6. Inform the bloggers you have nominated

I returned to the depths of hell… sober

In the town I live in, there is a well known “night club” called Emmas.

It’s basically a bad school disco and it can only be a laugh if you are ridiculously drunk. Wetherspoons is a few shops up from Emmas so basically the plan is; Pre drink, Spoons til you’re pretty wasted and then Emmas “nightclub”. I rarely see them turn people away because it only is bearable if you are very intoxicated.

If this still looks like a good night out to you then imagine…

Imagine a box room. Some tragic coloured lights. A really wet and sticky floor. A small bar with over-priced drinks. Cougars wearing next to nothing grinding on each other. Then in come the Matlows. Then it becomes, as my friend Alex calls it, a “Cock Fest” where there’s 80% male and 20% females. You get the regular old bald men sitting in the corner watching the young girls bump and grind. As usual, you get the easy girls who just want male attention who like to eat peoples faces.

As I said, this is bearable when you have had countless shots as well as mixers.

Well I hadn’t had this much alcohol. In fact, I had no alcohol at all. Just red bull. A LOT OF RED BULL.

Okay, so maybe the red bull wasn’t a good idea. I had regular comedowns off the caffeine and I eventually crashed out for nearly 12 hours when I got into bed!

It was nice to see my friend Alex and I was grateful that she was being sober that night with me. True friendship. We always said when i stopped drinking that we would go to Emmas sober just for a laugh and to be honest, it was pretty funny.

I saw the world through different eyes. I’ve already seen unattractive drunk girls but this was still as shocking. I’m embarrassed that I probably looked like those I saw that night.

Also, I felt like I was better than that place. It’s not that I’m big headed but where I wasn’t drunk and acting like those around me, I wasn’t being gobby or loud, I wasn’t falling over the place. I was poised and composed and I was being myself. I felt out of place but clearly, thats a good thing. I don’t want to fit in to a place like that.

My life really is different now. I was starting to feel rubbish about my sobriety but going to Emmas sober has restored my faith in my decision. I did make the right idea and I’m going to continue to be sober until I feel comfortable and confident enough to have a drink but I don’t see that happening in the next few months.

Happy Sunday everyone, have a good week!

Triggers (Warning: May contain triggers or shocking images)

A trigger is a feeling or a memory that is released which can stem from a person having a traumatic experience in their life. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling or memory and there can be a positive outcome but most of the time, it doesn’t feel nice.

I have a lot of triggers.

I don’t like being around drunk older men especially when I’m sober

I get a feeling of fear and anxiety in which I want to run away but I can’t move and it reminds me of past memories. I am living proof of a human being that changes when alcohol enters my system and I have seen it happen to those around me. I understand why people get out of control drunk but it doesn’t mean it’s okay and it makes me very wary.

I don’t like people displaying violence and anger

It terrifies me. Most of my life, I have been driven by anger and injustice but I have never smashed someones face in. I don’t believe violence is the answer. I have seen far too much of it. I think it scares me more when men display violence. I remember when I was in my first serious relationship and I remember arguing with my boyfriend and he launched his phone across the room. It was the only time in 4 years that he showed any sign of anger and violence but that was enough for it to trigger bad feelings and memories.

I don’t like being around or seeing people take drugs

I have experienced peoples lives change due to drugs and it has also changed mine. As soon as drugs come into a life, everything changes. Every emotion is different and relationships change and I don’t like it. It’s ugly and it’s fake. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I feel a lot of anger and frustration and memories that I wish to block out come flooding back. I saw my ex boyfriends friend out the other night and jesus christ, I wanted to cry. It had been 6 months since I’d last seen him and he looked grey. His hair and skin looked dead. The trigger came but I managed to shake it off. Then, last night I went out with a guy I’m seeing and we stopped at the top of Portsdown hill. I love the view. I looked across to my left and in the car next to me were several lads racking up lines of whatever and the trigger came. I felt like getting out the car and slapping them all round the face. I’ve seen it destroy lives and to see them sitting there, laughing about it made me feel sick.

I don’t like seeing self harmers

I suffered with self harm since I was about 12 years old and it got pretty horrific. This is a personal picture I have never shared. I keep it close to me to remind me that I am not who I was. I’m not ashamed of being a self harmer but I never glamourize it. It has been one of the hardest challenges I had to face in my life and every scar I wear with pride because I am a survivor. However, true self harmers are very secretive. Whenever someone saw my cuts, I would be so embarrassed. They were for my eyes only, not for the public. When young people cut their arms and don’t cover them up and literally wave them in my face, it becomes a trigger. Not so much now but in the past it has been very difficult. These individuals showing off their cuts were almost laughing about it when inside I was feeling angry and trying to fight myself. It has been such a long time since I have wanted to harm myself and I am so proud to say I survived because I never thought I would stop that addiction. However, it is apart of me and always will be but thats okay but I’m strong enough to shake it off.

Even though all these memories are hard to relive and the feelings are horrible, they are there for a reason.

They remind me that even though I have experienced so much in my life, good and bad, I have come out the other side. I have always made the best out of a bad situation and I always stood by my moral compass. I may have gotten a little lost along the way but I have always known the difference between right and wrong and when enough is enough.

And here I am. Still breathing. Still fighting. Not surviving but living.

Every battle is a challenge. Every trigger is a reminder. Temptation is inevitable but strength is the key to keep pushing forwards.

Alcohol Amnesia…

I’ve watched a few films recently and in every film, there was alcohol. There’s aways alcohol!

Whether it’s because the character is ‘stressed’ or they drink for a celebration. For some reason, I keep forgetting that I’m sober.

It’s like I’ve got alcohol amnesia or something.

I see the character drinking and I think ‘I do that’ or ‘I love having a drink after i’ve worked hard’. And then it hits me. No Kelly. You used to do that and you used to like doing that.

I get this like weird anxiety feeling. It’s not so much a bad feeling but it makes me feel nervous. I believe this is because everything I’ve worked for and achieved so far is my own doing, obviously with support but I mainly did it myself. I chose to do it. I feel nervous because only I have the choice and power to destroy my hard work. Just like pushing a big red button that says DONT PUSH. I think feeling nervous is a good sign. It shows how much sobriety means to me right now in my life and it makes me remember that I am human.

After the nerves pass, I feel proud and invincible. Again, I have achieved this and there is no way in hell that I would of thought I’d be here. God knows what i’ll feel like in a years time haha! I truly believed I would have to be taken to a centre or have my money confiscated or something drastic to stop me drinking but I just stopped. I admitted my problems, realised they were down to my bad choices and even though these problems had built over time due to traumatic events in my life, it was still my decision to make bad choices. After realising the problems, I seeked help and support. Then, I accepted that my life is going to change in everything I do and it isn’t going to be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

It definitely was worth it.

Stay strong guys!