The truth about becoming a Mum

Becoming a mum has honestly changed my life and I feel like I’ve found my purpose.

But it didn’t happen effortlessly. The last 8 months has been a real rollercoaster and I feel like there’s a lot people don’t tell you about becoming a mum.

They tell you about how you’ll love your baby so much and how you’ll never experience a love like it. They also tell you to enjoy the sleep and a hot cup of tea whilst it lasts.

What they don’t tell you is the truth.

The real honest truth.

The truth about how you’ll feel after birth. Now I know this is subjective to everyone but most mums I’ve spoken to have the same overwhelming mix of emotions. People tell you “it’s just hormones, you’ll be fine soon” but it’s not JUST hormones.

It’s the realisation that you’ve made a goddamn tiny human than relies on you and loves you regardless of who you are or what you do. Good or bad. No pressure.

It’s the realisation that the family dynamic has gone from 2 to 3 and somehow, you’ve got to remember to keep the baby alive whilst maintaining a healthy loving relationship with your partner.

Even more so, the wider family dynamic changes forever. You’re no longer just the daughter or granddaughter. You’re a mum. An adult. You are in charge of your baby and it’s your job to put boundaries in place for your baby to the people who raised you and put the original rules in place. These rules, boundaries and expectations may not match up.

It’s the “mother’s load” that appears over night. The overbearing mind fog where you have to remember if the baby has eaten, had their nappy changed, slept and how long for. Did they eat enough? Are they cold or too hot? Are they breathing? Do they need new vests? They’re crying, why are they crying? Shit, I forgot to eat again. I need to make dinner, we have no food. The house is a mess. I’m tired. Really tired.

It’s the external pressures. The ones from family members who think they know best because they have raised a child before. The social media pages who show you the most unrealistic view of motherhood. The pressure to sleep train, to have a routine, to prepare activities for your baby like you’re a childcare professional. Don’t get me started on the pressures of breast feeding or formula feeding.

It’s the physical changes. It feels like it never ends. Your body has gone from the one you’ve always known to a giant bowling ball and then it suddenly gets deflated. If you’re lucky, you have no tears, cuts or stitches but in reality, most of us do. The tummy that you loved because it grew your beautiful baby is now soft like playdough and it’s covered in stretch marks. You’re sure you’ll bounce back, most people do right? Wrong.

It’s the loss of friendships. The people who don’t bother because they aren’t “baby people” or because they’re too busy after your life changing experience. Some people will think you’ve changed but your just in different places of your lives.

It’s the sleep deprivation. You never realised actual torture until you have a baby who won’t sleep. That mixed with the overwhelming pressures of everything mentioned previously leading to an exhausted over-emotional irrational-thinking new mother.

By the way, you feel like this and still have to keep the baby alive. Are we superheroes or what?

When you become a mum, you will love your baby like you’ve never loved before. You will feel emotions on a level you’ve never experienced before. Fierce protectiveness and pure love and happiness. Sometimes this happens straight away, sometimes it takes time.

And don’t get me wrong. You will form stronger friendships and relationships with people than before. You will find yourself again and learn to love your new body. You will have a good nights sleep again and life will calm down.

Having a baby is the best thing I have ever done and I would NEVER ever change that BUT the truth is, it’s not easy and it’s taken me 8 months to start to feel like myself again. I have a loving partner and a great support network. I have a roof over my head and I’m financially stable and I still struggled at points. Even with all that, I still struggled.

My point is be kind to yourself and don’t underestimate the power of motherhood. It will be the biggest and best adventure you ever take 💜

My best friend

Please be kind to Students this time of year!

As most of you know, January can be hard for many of us. We feel deflated after Christmas with less motivation, less money and more weight gain. Some of us have experience trauma this time of year and some of us just don’t like the long dark winter days.

It sucks for a lot of us!

But as a student, I can tell you that this time of year is the most depressing, hopeless, isolating, emotional time.

Student mental health is on the decline. The Office of National Statistics figures show 95 recorded university student suicides for the 12 months to July 2017 in England and Wales. That’s not just 95 “sad” students. That is 95 young people who couldn’t cope for whatever reason and made the decision to end their lives. How many other students feel like this but never attempt suicide? How many students attempt suicide and survive? How many are inflicting harm on themselves in other ways? How many are struggling with their mental health? These students do not make it into statistics but I can say, there is an overwhelmingly huge demand at my university for mental health support. Every year, there has been at least one person at my university that has taken their own life.

It may sound so melodramatic. There are so many horrific things to experience in this world and in comparison, being a student is pretty great but please bear in mind what I’m going to say:

Whilst most people have been enjoying their time off at Christmas, I’ve been revising. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun every time I took a day off from revision and enjoyed the Christmas spirit but I still had a looming shadow hanging over me of what I needed to do next.

The last few weeks, I have sat at a computer for most of the day staring at the screen and revising as hard as possible. This has led to isolation as well as sleep deprivation.

My brain is so active from revising that I can’t physically sleep before 2am at the moment. Even if I sleep, it’s broken with vivid anxiety dreams. Then, I set an alarm for 9.30am and get up at 11am earliest. I’m rubbish at getting up early but believe me, even getting up at 11 is a struggle right now.

I then sit at my computer for 4 hours and watch the daylight drain away. Now it’s 4pm and I’m exhausted. Im frustrated. I’m lonely. I’m in need of attention. I probably haven’t eaten properly but I have to carry on because I have too much revision to do and not enough time.

My mental health is declining and I lean towards to the people I love because I can’t seem to motivate myself to even get dressed. This leads to arguments with loved ones because whilst my emotions are real, they are making me irrational and all I want is to be scooped up in a big blanket and cuddled.

Now, I am feeling pathetic. Get a grip girl, it’s only an exam. Right?

Either way, I am now feeling completely and utterly hopeless and defeated. I have days where I revise really well and others where I stare at the computer, hours go by and I’ve done nothing.

I am now starting to doubt my ability to do these exams. I am starting to doubt whether I have the intelligence to be at university. I am now doubting myself.

My doubts become internalised and I now doubt more than my academic achievements. I’m doubting what I look like. I want to get new clothes, dye my hair, get a piercing. I need something new to take this shitty feeling away.

I’m feeling so shit that my brain is feeling triggered by this and I am having random tantrums and moments where I cry for absolute no reason.

My brain also reminds me of everything I’ve ever done leading up to these exams and questioning everything I have ever done. Again, doubting myself.

Like I said, this may seem so melodramatic and trust me, I feel ridiculous right now but the pressure of being a successful student as well as a fully functioning human being who is in control of her shit is too much right now.

I have studied and worked hard all term for this. I am being judged on a 2 hour exam. One module (I have 3 + dissertation) contains about 22 hours of teaching a term. So, all the effort I’ve put into 22 hours teaching plus readings and independent research is being judged in a 2 hour exam where it’s pretty much down to luck because there is no physical way to learn and understand that much information in the time given. And the pressure of all that has led to feeling completely and utterly shit about myself and life right now. University is not easy and a degree is not a joke.

So all I’m asking is for you to be kind to your student pals because we are really fffff’ing stressed right now. We just want to be supported and loved in any way possible.

 

Why have I defined my life by the men I have dated?

I have spent my life defining it by the relationships I have had with men and this has got to stop.

When discussing the past or reflecting on things that have happened, I remember it by the guy I was dating. This pisses me off…  A LOT.

The psychologist in me is determined to understand why I do this and also, to make a plan so that I NEVER do this again… because I am not and never will be defined by the men I had interest in.

Part of me believes it is due to being so emotional. I feel everything so deeply and at times, I have become so consumed by the relationship I was in, it became me.

Another part of me believes that I have always put my all into relationships. So, when they break down, it takes a part of me with it and therefore, makes me question who I am as a person.

It could also be the fact that I had a bad relationship with myself and instead of dealing with it, I focused on trying to fix relationships when I should have focused on myself.

Perhaps some weird shit happened in childhood and influenced the child version of myself to believe that my value depends on my relationship.

Who the hell knows?

What I do know, is that I will never define my life by the men I date. From now on, my life will be viewed by the challenges I have overcome and all that I have achieved.

One pair of eyes but two perceptions…

Today I did my make up the same, wore the same clothes, my hair is the same as yesterday but something was different.

I didn’t look as good as I wanted too.

There’s no explanation for it as everything is the same except my own thoughts.

I had quite a lot negative self talk going on last night. Probably because I was exhausted and hungry. But is it possible for our mind to really affect our perception in that way?

I think this is proof of why we should challenge those negative thoughts and that inner mean girl because today, I don’t feel as good as yesterday and there’s no valid reason for it.

My physical appearance is the same and I’m still as hot as yesterday.

So, fuck you brain. I’m not playing your mind games. I’m fucking fabulous despite your mean little comments and besides, it’s not all about looks (that’s a fuck you to society 🖕🏼).

Have a great day you beautiful people 💕

The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

The dreaded question… “Are you single?”

Why do we feel the need to be in a relationship?

What is so wrong with being single?

I go through phases where I love being single,

and then I get asked “Do you want a boyfriend?” or “Why are you single?”… like there is something wrong with me.

Why is it when we’re single, we are made to feel like some sort of outcast. You’re what? Single? What is wrong with her?

How about maybe I want to be single? Or how about maybe I don’t want to be single and you’ve just reminded me that society thinks I’m a reject.

HOW ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

There are so many things I love about being single. I love my own space and being able to make mess and lounge around in absolutely nothing.

and then I feel like I do want a relationship. That I have so much love to give to someone else.

But regardless of what I want, stop giving me your opinion as to why I’m single and whether I should be in a relationship or not.

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

For god’s sake girl, let go of the guilt.

I have a really big issue with who I was and who I am now. Besides going through a lot myself, I constantly feel guilty for people who knew me before I was sober.

I remember times that I’d be drunk and gobbing off to people. I didn’t care what I said or what I did to others whilst I was drunk.

Even before my drinking became bad and I was an emotional, angry teenager who couldn’t deal with anything.

I feel awful for the people who stuck by me throughout everything because sometimes, I could be really nasty and selfish.

Because of this, I feel like I owe people something. I’m not sure what it is I owe them but sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

I’ve tried to reconnect with people through social media. Sometimes it works and sometimes, it doesn’t.

I’ll sit for ages thinking about what people would say about me. If someone was to describe me, what would they really say?

It’s so silly because I don’t care for the negative opinions of others now but if they have some connection to my past, I feel like I have something to apologise for and something to prove.

It normally ends up in feeling really shit about myself and I become weak, almost wanting to beg for forgiveness.

And the reality is, most of these people hurt me. I may have been an annoyance in their life or have caused them some pain but they also did the same to me. Yet, I still put all the blame on myself.

The truth is no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.

I’m not perfect, I never have been and I never will be.

Just know that everything I have been through, good or bad, has been a valuable lesson.

I don’t hold hate in my heart anymore. People can change.

I just need to find the strength in myself to let go of the past. The present is what’s important to build the best future for myself and by holding on to the past, I am just holding myself back and burdening myself with things that cannot be changed.

Give yourself a break girl, life’s too short.

 

 

 

 

I went to the worst place on earth… School.

Today my foster sister went to her school prom and she looked beautiful. She goes to the school that I went to at her age. I wanted to feel happy and enjoy the moment but instead, I felt insecure, anxious and sad. 

We went to a place called Foster Gardens where everyone has their pictures taken. It’s a lovely opportunity for people to meet up with their friends and take group pictures with a pretty background. Perfect for instagram.

However, I noticed so many people alone not having people to take pictures with and it broke my heart.

It reminded me of being at school and feeling isolated. Constantly battling to stay afloat whilst feeling like you’re drowning.

Everyone’s experience at school is different but I really hated school. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning but I hated the social aspect of school.

I was a bubbly, sociable person but I was also insecure and suffering with my mental health. I hated injustice and couldn’t stand bullys which also got me into trouble.

I know I had friends at school and I know there were good times but it is so hard to remember them. Most of my happy memories are crushed by people letting me down or simply worse experiences.

School was the time that I started self-harming and drinking. I constantly felt out of control and I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to people.

When I went to watch the prom tonight, I remembered every single person who bullied me, every time I cried, every time I walked out of school because I couldn’t cope. I remembered all the rumours which were so silly but caused so much drama, all the people who said they were my friend and were not. I remembered the pressure of looking a specific way and I remember the people who got bullied because they didn’t fit the criteria. I remembered it all.

I really hope that the good and decent people never listened to those rumours. I hope that when I was really suffering mentally, people felt sad for me instead of believing that I was an attention seeker. I really hope that any one I ever upset or hurt, they can forgive me because I really am sorry.

And if we went to school together and you see me on the street, at a party, on facebook, then please say hello. And if for some reason I hurt your feelings, definitely say hello. Lets start again!

 

Still learning that self-love

So far on this journey of airy fairy self-love…

I have deleted unhealthy social media pages. I went through facebook, snapchat, instagram and said goodbye to all the fitness pages, healthy eating pages, models, celebrities etc. I knew seeing all these “perfect” people were affecting my mood but it wasn’t until I deleted nearly 300 instagram pages that I truly understood how social media was affecting me in such a negative way.

I’ve also stopped putting pressure on myself. I love working out but to balance university, work and some sort of social life is hard enough without adding the gym into it. Whilst I enjoy going, by making myself go, it becomes a chore and it makes me miserable. I’ve decided that my happiness will not be defined by weight. When I go to the gym, I become addicted (story of my life) and I put pressure on myself to constantly look better. I am never satisfied. From discovering this, I’ve realised I really need to give myself a break. I need to become happy in my own body before working out. I want to work out because I enjoy it, not to increase my levels of happiness due to weight loss.

I’ve realised that what I want most in the world is to be in a healthy loving relationship with a bestfriend and have a happy and healthy family. Such simple life goals. But in order to achieve this, I really need to chill out. I need to let go of the past. There is a lot in my past that I have let go of but for some reason, I define myself and my abilities on the successes and failures of past relationships. Absolutely bloody ridiculous! I know! When I am lonely, I reflect on past relationships and blame myself as the reason I am alone. I know that I have standards and the reason I am single is because the men in my past were just not right for me. We were at different stages of our lives. We were together for the wrong reasons. We wanted different things. Yet, I still punish myself for the failures in my life. I really want to and need to evaluate this section of my thought process. Failed relationships doesn’t make me a failure, it just means I’m strong because I didn’t settle for less.

It frustrates me that I am aware of what I am doing to myself. I’m aware I am punishing myself for something so ridiculous. So, this has got to change. I need to let go of every single person I’ve dated. I’m sick of holding on to memories that will never be the same again. I truly believe that in order to achieve self-love, I’ve got to say goodbye for the last time. It makes me really sad that people can come into your life, change your life and then leave forever. I hold on, hoping that they’ll come back and change their mind or just want to be friends because we did have happy memories. But this is not realistic. It needs to end now. I honestly blame social media for making this so hard. There are always reminders of the past and it’s hard to truly move forwards but I reallllly need to do this for myself. I want to do this for myself. 

Come on Kels, you got this!

Thanks lovers x