I have always had an addictive personality. It really really sucks.
Throughout life, I have been addicted to many things. Some positive like the gym and some negative like drinking and self harming.
I would like to say that I am currently addicted to nothing but my vape. Wahoo go me!
That’s awesome right?
No. I have been having a rough month and usually, due to my addictive personality, I will have a go-to coping mechanism that has stemmed from my addictions.
Whether that be drinking, self harming, smoking, eating, going to the gym, shopping… you name it.
During these recent struggles, I have had no coping mechanism and it is so fucking hard.
I am emotional and overwhelmed.
In all honesty, a hug would probably make this all better but I am away from friends and family at university so regular hugs are out of the question (unless anyone is offering).
I am not just battling with daily life right now. I am also battling with my head. Many people around me will get drunk or take drugs or do something to make themselves feel good after a stressful week and I don’t have anything to make me feel better. The only thing I have got is my strength, knowledge and optimism.
Having these daily reminders of self destructive things that I could do to temporarily fix myself is exhausting. A long and draining battle and some days, losing that battle would be so much easier than hours of tears and tormenting myself.
I feel like I am constantly treading water, trying to keep my head up.
And the worst thing about it is that I am trying everything in my power to be ok. All those typical things you read online about “how to relax” or “how to look after yourself”, well believe me, I’ve done them this month.
After suffering with mental health throughout my life, I know that will pass and I will learn from this. I will be in a really great place again and I’ll forget how it feels to feel this low.
But because I am not looking back on that low moment and I am currently in it, it’s scary and it’s really fucking exhausting.
For anyone reading this and thinking that I am another social media warrior that jumps on the bandwagon of mental health for attention, you couldn’t be any more wrong.
I love being happy. I love laughing. I love exploring and experiencing priceless memories with those I love. I love close relationships. I love life.
And I hate crying constantly. I hate moaning about my life. I hate having to reach out to others for help. I hate feeling needy. I hate it when depression and anxiety creeps back up on me and I never saw it coming.
I guess I will do what I always have done. Keep fighting each moment and each intrusive thought until it passes and hopefully, I’ll be back soon.