Recently, I have spent a lot of time battling my thoughts. A few questions have crossed my mind;
- When am I going to start drinking again?
- Am I going to drink when I go travelling?
- Am I feeling anxiety or jealousy?
Not only have I been battling my thoughts but I’ve been battling my dreams. I’ve constantly been dreaming and drinking. From getting drunk and ruining everything to having one drink and ruining everything.
I thought I was maybe ready to have a drink again but after what I’ve experienced in the last few weeks, I’m not so sure.
I’ve really started to feel anxious in the last month. This is probably to do with the opportunities I have been given as well as being in a new relationship.
So when am I going to start drinking again? I really don’t know. My mind changes weekly and this is why I know I’m not ready to drink. I need to stop questioning myself and just let things be.
Am I going to drink when I go travelling? I think this is always going to be a difficult question. I’m not going travelling unit August which would mean I will be 7 months sober. The thought of having a traditional German beer excites me as well as having a toast with my best friend for the fact we actually went and did it! But am I wanting to do this because it is a social norm to celebrate with a drink? Or experience a foreign drink? I don’t know. The reality is I’m not going to have an answer until nearer the time so I need to just let this one go.
Am I feeling anxiety or jealousy? My boyfriend works in a bar and like most people, he sometimes has a drink after work. His new hobby is making cocktails and he’s recently bought spirits and mixers as well as a cocktail kit. Don’t get me wrong, Jordan is completely supportive of my sobriety and I have no problem with him having a drink. However, it is still hard. When I see Jordan have a drink to unwind or the fact he’s going to his work do at the weekend and will most likely get very drunk, I get this strange feeling. A mixture of feelings but I can’t decide what it is. Am I anxious because I know Jordan could behave recklessly like I used too? Or feeling jealous because I can’t join him? I can’t decide. I think it’s more anxiety because I really care about Jordan and I have to trust him but it does annoy me sometimes that people can go out and drink and have fun when I’m here being sober.
I went away for the weekend with my mum. We spoke about many things and I reflected a lot. I’ve realised that I am heading down the best road possible for me. I am going back to College which will hopefully lead to Uni, I have the best friends I could ask for, I have met an amazing guy, I am completing my fitness goals by being back at the gym and doing several charity runs this year, I work hard every day, I have a supportive family, I’ve learnt to have fun without substances and best of all, I am sober.