*Check the small print
Looking for a male companion. There are only a few requirements;
Hmm where to start.
Be an adult. I’m adult and at least try to have your shit together like I do.
A brain. Preferably a literate one… with knowledge. There’s no need to grammatical errors in the 21st century (checks for spelling mistakes…)
Humour. Please be funny and think I’m funny… because I am.
Preferably a lot of hair. I like to play with hair. That’s all.
Also, a beard please.
Nice teeth too. Whilst we’re on the topic of teeth, please brush them.
Cut your finger nails. There’s no excuses for this. Gross.
Be tall and and have more fat or muscle than me. I want you to carry me through the doorway on our wedding day, not the other way round.
Like emo music. Not just music because most people hate my music taste as it’s so varied but emo music. I like to reminisce my teen years and dress in black.
Don’t be a lad. No drugs and don’t go clubbing every weekend. I’m nearly 25. No time for that.
Have a job. An actual job. Not the same job as the 16 year old down the road.
Have ambition. I hate always planning for the future and dreaming for two people. Surprise me with a mid-year trip to Bora Bora!
Actually, be an action man! If you say you’re gonna do it, then do it. In every sense of the saying.
Have a car. I am not a taxi. But if you drive, be prepared for criticism and I will be your personal DJ.
Be good with money. I’m not a bank account… or your mum. No pocket money for you.
Enjoy cuddles. Lots of cuddles. In fact ignore everything else and just cuddle me.
Understand the basics of sexual intercourse. Forever being a teacher and it’s exhausting.
Have interesting hobbies. Sitting in the pub with a pint of Carlsberg every weekend watching the football is not a hobby.
Don’t have kids. I mean if they’re cute and your baby mumma isn’t a complete psycho then I may let this one slide. Otherwise, no.
Like reptiles and not fluffy animals. I’m allergic and it’s literally me or the dog.
Treat me like a lady. I may be a gob on legs and I may not know when to draw the line of banter but that does not mean that I do not want to be treated with respect.
Have friends. Preferably cool ones who I’ll actually like… and nice ones that I can set up with my friends.
Be a family guy. I love my family and you will be involved with them. I will happily be involved with yours too. However, if your family sucks, then its a no from me.
Don’t have emotional baggage. I may study psychology but I will not fix you. That being said…
Have emotions and for the love of god, show them. Acknowledging your emotions is way hotter than being a cold piece of wood.
Enjoy some kind of fitness so I can join in but don’t be a ‘roid head or a gym bunny. I cannot deal with someone who loves themselves more than they love me.
It would be nice if you had a degree or an academic interest. Not fussy or anything.
Whilst we’re at it, speak more than one language fluently. It’s hot.
Have family in other countries. I expect a lot of holidays.
Buy me presents. Not just on holidays but all the time, randomly, because I am a really special person.
Like all of my social media posts. Now, this one may be a little difficult because I feel I am a bit of a millennial but just do it. It’s the 21st century way of showing commitment.
Have pictures and cute statuses about me all over your social media pages. Show me off. I’m a fucking trophy.
Take me to parties. To show me off but also, so I can go shopping and buy new clothes to wear.
Be prepared for PMS. This means a lot of cuddles, chocolate and patience. It’ll be worth it in the end.
Basically just be really hot, have your shit together, be a nice decent human being and be prepared to be infatuated with your crazy ass girlfriend who will love you forever.
IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK?
*A joke post before anyone freaks out starts making sexist comments
**I am going to hell