Sometimes, a break up is too hard to put into words.
The emotions and feelings that come with it are so intense and complex, you can’t explain it.
You can go about your daily routine with your war paint on and practice being happy but when it comes to laying your head on the pillow at night, you realise that actually… you’re still a little bit broken.
Swirling through your heads are the “What if’s” and “Why’s” of everything that has happened…
What if I had just stayed? What if he just slept on it? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did it go from great to goodbye?
Then come the “Maybes”…
Maybe I said something wrong. Maybe he never loved me. Maybe he still loves me. Maybe he wants me back. Maybe he never will.
Then all the happy memories cloud your mind and there you are, lying on your bed feeling empty and sad.
Should I text him? Should I just check his facebook?
You start to feel crazy. The feelings are overwhelming.
Which emotion do you face first?
How do you even distinguish which emotion you are feeling? There are too many.
You want them to be hurting as much as you are because you love them so much and you can’t understand why this is happening and why after loving them completely, they are allowing you to hurt.
But you want to check if they are okay because you love them so much and the thought of them hurting adds to your hurt.
You want to be strong because it’s all you can do and society has taught us not to be weak especially not in front of your ex. But it hurts. And all I want is a cuddle.
You’ve been through break ups before. You know you’ll survive but the pain never gets easier.
Then after feeling so upset, anger starts to take over.
How could he do this to me? I loved him so much and I would of done anything for him. Why wasn’t I good enough for him? How dare he think I wasn’t good enough for him. Is he even who I thought he was?
Then the anger towards yourself starts.
Why did you give yourself to someone again. This always happens. You gave everything to him. You put all of your energy into the relationship and you still weren’t enough. You should of seen the warning signs. You’ve seen them before. Why did you let your guard down? Why did you think this time would be different?
Then you become angry for being angry.
Screw this. You’re better than this. Stop being such a mess. Get over it.
You stay strong for another day. Your head hits the pillow and the cycle starts again.
Why can’t breaks up be a little less painful?