The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

Still learning that self-love

So far on this journey of airy fairy self-love…

I have deleted unhealthy social media pages. I went through facebook, snapchat, instagram and said goodbye to all the fitness pages, healthy eating pages, models, celebrities etc. I knew seeing all these “perfect” people were affecting my mood but it wasn’t until I deleted nearly 300 instagram pages that I truly understood how social media was affecting me in such a negative way.

I’ve also stopped putting pressure on myself. I love working out but to balance university, work and some sort of social life is hard enough without adding the gym into it. Whilst I enjoy going, by making myself go, it becomes a chore and it makes me miserable. I’ve decided that my happiness will not be defined by weight. When I go to the gym, I become addicted (story of my life) and I put pressure on myself to constantly look better. I am never satisfied. From discovering this, I’ve realised I really need to give myself a break. I need to become happy in my own body before working out. I want to work out because I enjoy it, not to increase my levels of happiness due to weight loss.

I’ve realised that what I want most in the world is to be in a healthy loving relationship with a bestfriend and have a happy and healthy family. Such simple life goals. But in order to achieve this, I really need to chill out. I need to let go of the past. There is a lot in my past that I have let go of but for some reason, I define myself and my abilities on the successes and failures of past relationships. Absolutely bloody ridiculous! I know! When I am lonely, I reflect on past relationships and blame myself as the reason I am alone. I know that I have standards and the reason I am single is because the men in my past were just not right for me. We were at different stages of our lives. We were together for the wrong reasons. We wanted different things. Yet, I still punish myself for the failures in my life. I really want to and need to evaluate this section of my thought process. Failed relationships doesn’t make me a failure, it just means I’m strong because I didn’t settle for less.

It frustrates me that I am aware of what I am doing to myself. I’m aware I am punishing myself for something so ridiculous. So, this has got to change. I need to let go of every single person I’ve dated. I’m sick of holding on to memories that will never be the same again. I truly believe that in order to achieve self-love, I’ve got to say goodbye for the last time. It makes me really sad that people can come into your life, change your life and then leave forever. I hold on, hoping that they’ll come back and change their mind or just want to be friends because we did have happy memories. But this is not realistic. It needs to end now. I honestly blame social media for making this so hard. There are always reminders of the past and it’s hard to truly move forwards but I reallllly need to do this for myself. I want to do this for myself. 

Come on Kels, you got this!

Thanks lovers x

I kind of fell into a long distance relationship…

So, I kind of fell into a long distance relationship.

I always swore it would never happen because I could never make it work. I never wanted to be in a relationship where someone was not right beside me. I am too needy.

Oh how things change.

The problem is: HOW DO I COPE?

Every time I see ‘him’, it’s amazing. It’s the best. If you were to plan a really great weekend, seeing him would it be it. It ticks all the boxes. I am constantly laughing. I am relaxed. I am excited. I am productive. I feel good about myself. I am happpppppyyyy.

But then comes the dreaded morning. Waking up and knowing that in an hour or so, you have to walk him to the train station and say goodbye.

Each time I say goodbye, I tell myself that it will be okay. You won’t miss him as much as the first time. You’ll get used to the distance.

OH. HELL. NO.

What a massive lie I tell myself. I miss him more every day. Every hour. Every second. 

I get so excited to talk to him that when I do, I feel sad. It’s like I have so much to tell him and when he calls, I forget and just feel sad. The words “I miss you” mean so much but they hold that sinking feeling in my stomach every time I say them.

The 2 week wait doesn’t sound like much but it feels like a lifetime and it’s a sickening feeling. Knowing that when they step on that train, it’s a 14 day countdown… again. And despite how busy and distracted with work, uni, friends, family, gym, hobbies or whatever… days drag on. Days are even longer.

I miss him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t see him any sooner. I physically want to grab him and not let him go. In fact, when I do see him, I spend most of the time just touching him and remembering him before he leaves again.

It’s hard and it’s going to get harder. I need to mentally prepare myself and make myself stronger. I just don’t know how. 

After listening to endless amounts of emo love songs and waking up from really nice day dreams of what could be, the sadness comes. 

BUT a notification. A snapchat. A message. A missed call. and even better, an answered call makes it just that little bit more bearable. 

The time we spend together is honest and pure. It is genuine and it’s real. It’s simply amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It keeps me holding on to what ever this is because it is so good. The excitement of seeing him is too much. Waking up next to him is like a dream and I pinch myself so I know it’s real. The public displays of affection mean the world to me. It’s like we are in our own little world and no one else matters. Just us and it’s absolutely perfect.

So I will have to learn to put up with the constant missed calls, waiting for our schedules to match up so we can have a proper conversation, the smell of him on my pillow making me miss him even more, the empty space in the bed, missing the person guaranteed to make me laugh and smile all day. I will have to learn to put up with the distance and the time.

Because in the end, it is all worth it. 

 

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

Because going into an environment where people are absolutely smashed is a great idea for a sober person…

I wonder if anyone really understands how hard it is to be in an environment where drugs and alcohol are being consumed and to not use either. 

It’s not necessarily hard because I want to do those things but it is emotionally and mentally draining. The triggers and constant reminders of what has happened, who you were, who you could be and so much more.

People may look at me like I am boring but I am fucking strong. I’m not sorry for swearing.

I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t touch a drug and I didn’t even smoke a cigarette. The closest to drunk I got was the red wine that was spilt down my jeans by my drunk friend.

On reflection of my choice to go a festival yesterday, why on earth would I go into an environment where everyone is doing the extreme of something I don’t want to do. Am I crazy or am I crazy?

People weren’t drinking to have a nice time. People were drinking to get smashed. They were absolutely lamp-shaded! Everyone. Everywhere. Am I crazy? 

It’s like if you were trying to give up smoking, you wouldn’t go and stand with someone smoking. But it’s as if I went and spent my whole day in a packed smoking area with people chain-smoking.

KELLY, ARE YOU CRAY? GIRL, YOU CRAY! 

Since last night, I have felt in despair. Desperate. Frustrated. Angry. Why have I been dealt this card? When I submerge myself into environments where there is excessive drugs and alcohol, I always face this question. I act as if not drinking or taking drugs is a punishment. Like I am holding myself back.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

By not drinking I am giving myself a chance at the best life possible. I am freeing myself of things that have a negative affect on myself. I wouldn’t feel bad for giving up cake so why do I feel bad for giving up alcohol? It’s ridiculous. I am not being punished, I am rewarding myself with life.

At the same time, I am so proud of my determinism for a better life. I am proud of the determinism to not take drugs and drink alcohol and I am proud of the control I have over myself despite the constant voices in my head arguing and telling me what I should be doing.

It makes me sad because the only reason I think I should be doing those things is because society has taught me that’s what people do and it is the norm.

The decision to stop drinking was the best one I’ve made and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss it. I don’t think about when I’m going to have my next drink. However, I feel like I am really having to question a lot about my life right now. 

So many questions are flying through my head… Like am I going to find a potential life partner who isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time? Will I ever make good friends who aren’t going to get drunk all the time? Are the people in my life right now honestly supporting my decision or are they making it harder? Am I always going to be socialised into a heavy drinking environment? Do I need to be putting up with this shit?

Yesterday’s antics stressed me out so much that I dreamt about drinking alcohol. Ridiculous.

At the end of the day, people have their own lives and their own choices. But I stand by mine. I am proud. So goddamn proud that I am sober. I really love life and I don’t want to die with any regret. So watch this space.

I am sober and I am far from boring.

 

Emotions are not the enemy. Face them. Embrace them.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have achieved is accepting how I feel.

Have you ever felt angry and grabbed a bottle?

Ever been pissed off and ran for the cigarettes?

Had an argument with your partner and self harmed?

Had a shit last day at work and had a drug binge?

Short term fixes actually fix nothing.

For years, I would cope by using short term coping strategies and it never fixed anything.

The biggest accomplishment and sense of achievement is having a period of anxiety, depression, sadness, anger and doing simply nothing.

To feel anxious, starting to shake, sweating, freaking the hell out and then after a while feeling calm again is the best.

You may even shed a few tears but crying is better than cutting, smoking or any other short term relief.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I think “Fuck it” and want to have a cigarette or a night out of mind but there’s two ways I deal with this:

1/ Distraction. If I really can’t cope with processing the emotions properly at that time, I use a short term fix BUT a healthy one. I go to the gym. I write a blog. I paint my nails. I have a shower. I have a nap. I put on netflix and chill…

or

2/ Acceptance. Accept that feeling. Let it come. You are going to feel it sooner or later but what’s important is to remember to: Be rational. You are feeling angry and it’s ok to feel angry. Say it out loud. Shout it. You are entitled to feel however you feel. No matter how silly you feel for feeling like that. You feel angry because your car broke down. That’s why you feel angry, accept it. Why is it making you angry? Because you need to get to work and do the food shopping and now you cant. So whats the solution? Alcohol? Drugs? No. Get a bus, call a friend, walk. There are always solutions but they only come with a rational mind.

Just take a breath. In and out. In… Out…

Distract and don’t react.

Then accept and just be. Be rational.

The problems you have right now won’t be a problem in years to come. Just like the problems you used to stress over. Where are they now? Gone. You overcome them just like you can overcome the present stressful situations.

Lastly, there is nothing weak about feeling weak. Emotions are not controllable. Anger does not have to be a negative emotion. Neither does sadness. You need to accept that they are a part of who you are and let them come.

Sit on the riverbank and watch the emotions flow past, don’t struggle in the river and swim against the stream. You will only drown.

 

DO NOT APOLOGISE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Mental health covers such a wide range of conditions and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

Don’t apologise to me because you are feeling sad for no reason.

Don’t apologise to me because you don’t want to leave the house today because you can’t face other people.

Don’t apologise to me because you cut a night short because of a panic attack.

Don’t apologise to me because you shouted at me over something stupid.

Don’t apologise to me because you burst into tears for no reason.

Don’t apologise because you cancel on plans because you are tired due to lack of sleep.

Don’t apologise to me because you forget something because your mind is clouded with negative thoughts.

Don’t apologise to me because you have ways of coping such as self-harm or recreational drug taking.

Don’t apologise to me because you left without saying goodbye because your self-esteem was so low you couldn’t cope.

And do not apologise for feeling the way you feel.

Feelings are inevitable and sometimes, they are consuming.

The only time I want you to apologise is when you are not helping yourself.

Then, the only person I want you to apologise to is yourself.

Learning to cope and treat your mental health can be a long and windy road where you take several steps forward and a couple of steps back but know that each time you fall back, you are never right back to where you started.

Every day with help, whether that be medication or counselling, you are one step closer to feeling better than the day before. You are stronger than the day before.

It may never go away and it may never come back but you will always know that you have beat it once and you can beat it again.

And every moment you are in this isolating torment, you are not as alone as you think. I PROMISE.

You are human, you have emotions and feelings. Take each day as it comes and don’t be too hard on yourself. 

You could play football 5 days a week and hurt yourself physically and you could be stressed for 5 days a week and you could hurt yourself mentally. Both may need some form of help and both may need time and support. IT IS NOT ANY DIFFERENT.

Whatever you are struggling with; stand up, grab it with two hands and look at it in the eyes and say…

BRING IT ON!