I would rather sit on the bank and watch the river passing instead of drowning against the waves…

Since being sober, there has been so many positives;

  • I have more energy
  • I have better reaction time
  • I get up and get on with my day
  • I do things that need to be done without moaning
  • I have lost weight
  • My singing voice is so much stronger
  • I am more enthusiastic about life
  • My skin looks ten times better
  • I am socialising with people who appreciate life
  • I take more pride in my appearance
  • I look much healthier
  • I haven’t been ill the whole time i’ve been sober (and I get ill a lot)
  • I have money to spend on nice things and people I care about

and many more!

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Basically there are a lot of things that have happened and I really feel my life has changed. It’s very strange. I feel like I’ve joined a new religion but I’ll try not to preach!

Today, I feel like something has changed. I feel uneasy but I feel good. I’m not sure what it is but I feel awake. I feel like I’ve finally woken up from a bad dream. 

wide awake

I started drinking from the age of 14 (sorry mum) and I would binge drink a lot. I never realised it was an issue or that “binge drinking” was actually a problem because getting absolutely shit faced is socially accepted. It seems that when you’re a teenager, it is your duty to get very drunk and for your parents to moan and pick you up when you’re a state and for you to reply “I’m only …teen. You were young once. Let me live my life” or some sort of bullshit. I spent a big chunk of my life saying this.

young and drunk

Don’t get me wrong, I have always had a great work ethic at work and at school and I have always seen life as a big opportunity. However, now I’m sober, I realise that the opportunity that is presented in life is so much bigger. It is infinite.

My life so far has been exciting and very special but it has also been very challenging and hard. I have been through bullying, confusion of sexuality, physical abuse, mental abuse, abandonment, addiction, depression and anxiety.

It has been a long journey in a short 21 years and I wouldn’t change a thing. I honestly believes everything happens for a reason and I believe that I was put through this because I was strong enough to fight my way through it. I am proud of everything I have over come.

I feel like giving up alcohol has really opened my eyes and it is a massive weight off my shoulder. I feel like alcohol is a battle I have lived with unknowingly for a long time and I feel like it is my last ongoing battle that I am going to fight and I am going to win. In the words of Gloria Gaynor… “I will survive!”

hahaha

hahaha!

There are people out there who drink every day to survive and I know my drinking issues weren’t the same but I feared that if I didn’t stop that I would end up like that. I have a very addictive personality and I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a very long time.

Substances like alcohol is a short term fix. A short term confidence boost.

I had CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) when I was 19 because I had never dealt with my problems properly. I always portrayed myself as a strong person, no matter what was destroying me inside and even if I felt like I had moved on from past problems, they never really left me.

CBT made me realise that I need to sit and wait out my emotions instead of cutting them off when they’re most heightened. I remember my therapist said to me “Imagine your emotion is a river. Would you rather be constantly swimming against the river or would you rather be sitting on the river bank letting the emotion come and then watching it pass.” It took me a long time to realise that I am human and it is human to have emotions. It’s okay to be angry and it’s okay to tell people you’re angry. I never realised how angry I was until I was constantly asked “how do you feel about this” and my answer was always angry. I never fully understood that I was angry because the anger that I had seen was letting it out physically and I didn’t feel like that.

A lot of my problems have either stemmed from drinking have been dealt with from drinking. I’ve spent so much time around people I thought I looked up too who would turn to have a drink… or 5 when they were “stressed”. You watch Eastenders and they have a vodka because there’s been a measly argument. It is a norm in society to drink to relax and to drink to make a bad feeling turn to good.

drunk

BUT ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT! And I’ve told myself this for years and did I care? No. If people on TV can do it why can’t I?

Well now, I am 21 and I want more from life. I don’t want to end up turning to drink ever again. I don’t want to drink my emotions away. I want to face them.

And I guess that’s what I’m doing right now. 

A year ago, if I had a long stressful day at work and my anxiety was playing up or I felt depressed or I just wanted to relax, I would have a glass of wine.

Now, I am writing a blog.

I feel I am a much stronger person to sit here writing my feelings publicly and watching my emotions flow and surviving this moment of madness than having a drink, feeling good for a couple of hours and waking up, still feeling moody and worthless to repeat an endless cycle of misery.

Life really is a roller coaster.

A roller coaster of choices, opinions, emotions and feelings and alcohol is never going to make it better.

SORRY FOR MY RANT AND THANK YOU FOR READING.

BRING IT ON!

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7 comments

  1. Renee Coombs · January 6, 2015

    Mazing maemae keep going love u and proud of u xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. X · January 6, 2015

    Wow. I would never of known this about you. It’s so strange reading all this and not knowing what you was going through. I’m really proud of how strong you have been x

    Like

  3. Losing&Healing · January 6, 2015

    Great post and keep up the good work sober warrior!!!!

    Like

  4. tryingagain2505 · January 6, 2015

    You are doing brilliantly & loving reading your blog x

    Like

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