I had a lovely valentines day but that’s because I have a lovely valentine.
I’m lucky. I have a boyfriend who spoils me and I’m not used to it. I don’t want to sing his praises constantly but he is amazing.
We had a lovely meal in Chimichangas celebrating Valentines day! Inside, I was doing a little celebratory dance on it being my 2 MONTHS SOBER!!!!
Even though I’m sober, I still look at the drinks menu. I can’t be ignorant to the fact that alcohol is everywhere so I just accept it. I’ve always said to people that I am fine with people drinking around me as long as they don’t push alcohol in my direction. Jordan has always been good and rarely drinks around me.
However, last night was particularly difficult.
Jordan ordered a Mojito with his meal. I don’t even think I like Mojito’s but it looked so nice.
When we ordered our food, the waitress said “Are you having two main meals? We have an offer with two mains. A large cocktail… The Chimi Fizz.” (and the cocktail did look really nice).
I stuttered and Jordan said “oh no thank you, she doesn’t drink”. I don’t know why but this was the first time that I didn’t feel proud of my sobriety. In fact, I felt a little embarrassed.
When Jordan’s Mojito was brought to the table, I sighed. It really did look thirst quenching.
I then started to remember how I used to enjoy having an alcoholic drink with my meal. Just one to unwind and relax. Then, I started to think back to when I would get in from work and have a glass of Rosé wine. A nice cold glass of wine…
I just kept looking at the Mojito and battling my thoughts. Feeling a pressure rising and feeling a little sad. I know there are a million reasons why giving up alcohol was the best thing for me to do but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it.
I knew Jordan could see the miserable face I was trying to hide and he did try to cheer me up and he also reminded me that I was driving and I couldn’t drink. But… I felt bad. I didn’t want to ruin the evening. It was just a stupid drink. I definitely don’t want Jordan to feel punished because I don’t drink. It was and is my decision.
I really would love to go out and have one drink or even a couple but be controlled.
I don’t want to lose this good thing I have with Jordan by revealing my crazy drunk self. I don’t think I’d ever be that person again but it isn’t worth the risk.
My main concern is when I’m going to drink again. I admire people who have been sober for 6 months, 1 year, several years but I don’t know if thats for me. I don’t know if I want that. I am still young and I need to decide whether alcohol is going to be involved or not. I’m going travelling in the summer, do I have a nice beer in Germany or stick to water?
I don’t know why I feel I need to make a decision but this is the weight I carry on my shoulders.
The question is… When will I be ready? Will I ever be ready? What do I want? Will it get easier?