Mojito Madness

I had a lovely valentines day but that’s because I have a lovely valentine.

I’m lucky. I have a boyfriend who spoils me and I’m not used to it. I don’t want to sing his praises constantly but he is amazing.

We had a lovely meal in Chimichangas celebrating Valentines day! Inside, I was doing a little celebratory dance on it being my 2 MONTHS SOBER!!!!

Even though I’m sober, I still look at the drinks menu. I can’t be ignorant to the fact that alcohol is everywhere so I just accept it. I’ve always said to people that I am fine with people drinking around me as long as they don’t push alcohol in my direction. Jordan has always been good and rarely drinks around me.

However, last night was particularly difficult.

Jordan ordered a Mojito with his meal. I don’t even think I like Mojito’s but it looked so nice.

When we ordered our food, the waitress said “Are you having two main meals? We have an offer with two mains. A large cocktail… The Chimi Fizz.” (and the cocktail did look really nice).

I stuttered and Jordan said “oh no thank you, she doesn’t drink”. I don’t know why but this was the first time that I didn’t feel proud of my sobriety. In fact, I felt a little embarrassed.

When Jordan’s Mojito was brought to the table, I sighed. It really did look thirst quenching.

mojito

I then started to remember how I used to enjoy having an alcoholic drink with my meal. Just one to unwind and relax. Then, I started to think back to when I would get in from work and have a glass of Rosé wine. A nice cold glass of wine…

I just kept looking at the Mojito and battling my thoughts. Feeling a pressure rising and feeling a little sad. I know there are a million reasons why giving up alcohol was the best thing for me to do but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it. 

I knew Jordan could see the miserable face I was trying to hide and he did try to cheer me up and he also reminded me that I was driving and I couldn’t drink. But… I felt bad. I didn’t want to ruin the evening. It was just a stupid drink. I definitely don’t want Jordan to feel punished because I don’t drink. It was and is my decision.

I really would love to go out and have one drink or even a couple but be controlled.

I don’t want to lose this good thing I have with Jordan by revealing my crazy drunk self. I don’t think I’d ever be that person again but it isn’t worth the risk.

My main concern is when I’m going to drink again. I admire people who have been sober for 6 months, 1 year, several years but I don’t know if thats for me. I don’t know if I want that. I am still young and I need to decide whether alcohol is going to be involved or not. I’m going travelling in the summer, do I have a nice beer in Germany or stick to water?

I don’t know why I feel I need to make a decision but this is the weight I carry on my shoulders.

The question is… When will I be ready? Will I ever be ready? What do I want? Will it get easier?

Who knows?

I_dont_know_how_to_answer_that

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9 comments

  1. Stop Wineing Start Living · February 17, 2015

    I am young too and I have the same concerns. We just have to trust our judgment and also realize that “normal” people don’t contemplate this decision. It’s so difficult but I applaud you for all you have accomplished so far!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • dreambelievefightachieve · February 17, 2015

      Thank you! Well done to you too! Sometimes I find it easy and I’m proud but other times, I feel weak. That’s only happened a couple times in 2 months though. My life is 100% better without alcohol so I know it’s the right choice x

      Like

  2. Renee Coombs · February 17, 2015

    Lifes full of challenges and choices. You have acheived more happiness in two months than ive aeen in you in the last two years. Doeant that tell you something? Two months is amazing howevwr the testament is time and also being able yo take or leave it. Youre 21 I don’t feel its realistic although it is achievable to never havr a cocktail again its about being in control kelly. You have been amazing xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. tryingagain2505 · February 17, 2015

    You are doing so well Kelly, and these feelings and thoughts are totally normal, whatever age you are. Sometimes the thought of “forever” is just too much and we need to take a step back and think “just for now” to get us into the next stage. I am sure, though, that being so young, that future looks vast but you have already said you are much happier these days and do you really want to risk that for a sip (or vat) of ethanol?!

    Just remember it won’t all be plain sailing, but it is worth it & we are all rooting for you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • dreambelievefightachieve · February 17, 2015

      Thank you very much. It really is just the pressure of forever. I know it doesn’t have to be forever but sometimes I struggle to just be okay with for now. Although, when drinks have been put in front of me, I react quickly with a no thank you lol I think it’s just wanting it because I’ve given it up. Thanks for your support. You’re completely right x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Water Girl NZ · February 17, 2015

    When I stopped drinking the first time, forever felt SO unachievable. It was just too big a goal. So I opted to break it down to 90 day slots. I’m still working on it. I’m still learning. Just keep going, be gentle with yourself and seek support. Xx

    Like

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