Still learning that self-love

So far on this journey of airy fairy self-love…

I have deleted unhealthy social media pages. I went through facebook, snapchat, instagram and said goodbye to all the fitness pages, healthy eating pages, models, celebrities etc. I knew seeing all these “perfect” people were affecting my mood but it wasn’t until I deleted nearly 300 instagram pages that I truly understood how social media was affecting me in such a negative way.

I’ve also stopped putting pressure on myself. I love working out but to balance university, work and some sort of social life is hard enough without adding the gym into it. Whilst I enjoy going, by making myself go, it becomes a chore and it makes me miserable. I’ve decided that my happiness will not be defined by weight. When I go to the gym, I become addicted (story of my life) and I put pressure on myself to constantly look better. I am never satisfied. From discovering this, I’ve realised I really need to give myself a break. I need to become happy in my own body before working out. I want to work out because I enjoy it, not to increase my levels of happiness due to weight loss.

I’ve realised that what I want most in the world is to be in a healthy loving relationship with a bestfriend and have a happy and healthy family. Such simple life goals. But in order to achieve this, I really need to chill out. I need to let go of the past. There is a lot in my past that I have let go of but for some reason, I define myself and my abilities on the successes and failures of past relationships. Absolutely bloody ridiculous! I know! When I am lonely, I reflect on past relationships and blame myself as the reason I am alone. I know that I have standards and the reason I am single is because the men in my past were just not right for me. We were at different stages of our lives. We were together for the wrong reasons. We wanted different things. Yet, I still punish myself for the failures in my life. I really want to and need to evaluate this section of my thought process. Failed relationships doesn’t make me a failure, it just means I’m strong because I didn’t settle for less.

It frustrates me that I am aware of what I am doing to myself. I’m aware I am punishing myself for something so ridiculous. So, this has got to change. I need to let go of every single person I’ve dated. I’m sick of holding on to memories that will never be the same again. I truly believe that in order to achieve self-love, I’ve got to say goodbye for the last time. It makes me really sad that people can come into your life, change your life and then leave forever. I hold on, hoping that they’ll come back and change their mind or just want to be friends because we did have happy memories. But this is not realistic. It needs to end now. I honestly blame social media for making this so hard. There are always reminders of the past and it’s hard to truly move forwards but I reallllly need to do this for myself. I want to do this for myself. 

Come on Kels, you got this!

Thanks lovers x

Letting go is the hardest and the strongest thing you can ever do

Being an ambitious person with strong morals, high standards and strong emotions is a gift but also a curse.

It means that the people who stay in your life are truly amazing and you love them dearly but it also means that you have to say “hi and goodbye” to a lot of people. And this means sadness, anger, frustration and what feels like wasted time.

Instead of letting these people go and getting on with my life happily and free of those that reduce the quality of my life, I blame myself.

A lot of the time, I am proud of my strength and my determination for a good life. I love my morals because I treat those how I want to be treated and I won’t accept any less. I refuse to settle. I refuse to be used or played or lied to. I don’t have time for negative energy in my life.

Yet, there is a small part of me that blames myself for when things go wrong. Despite it being my decision to say goodbye, I still feel guilt. I feel guilt for having high standards. I feel guilt for wanting better. I feel guilt for believing that I can be happier without that person.

AND HOW FUCKING BIZARRE IS THAT. I feel guilty for wanting to be happy?

So, I sat and experienced guilt for 15 minutes before telling guilt to fuck off. 

I don’t feel guilty.

I feel frustrated for wasted energy and time. I feel sad for putting energy into something that didn’t want my energy. I feel angry for blaming myself despite trying. I feel excited for my future. I feel relieved for being honest. I feel proud for appreciating my self worth and doing what was right for me.

But I do not feel guilty.

Because I should never ever settle for less and neither should you.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be in it. If you push them away, they will pull you back in. Regardless of hurtful words said or upsetting actions or even just disregard for feelings, if someone wants to be in your life because they value you as an individual, they will sure as hell be in it.

Not everyone you let go is a bad person and sometimes, that makes it harder but again, this does not mean you have to settle.

Just because they are a good person does not mean they are obliged to stay in your life. If they don’t bring you happiness, laughter, kindness and sometimes tears, then they aren’t worth it. If they aren’t consistent or loyal then you can say goodbye. If they aren’t interested in your life then stop listening to theirs.

This may sound selfish but it’s not because I am sure that like me, you would do all of those things for other people. So why should you be a back-up plan or a second choice to a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member… anyone.

You shouldn’t.

So don’t settle and be strong enough to let go of those who aren’t worth your time because who you are is not a curse, it’s a blessing.

 

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

DO NOT APOLOGISE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Mental health covers such a wide range of conditions and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

Don’t apologise to me because you are feeling sad for no reason.

Don’t apologise to me because you don’t want to leave the house today because you can’t face other people.

Don’t apologise to me because you cut a night short because of a panic attack.

Don’t apologise to me because you shouted at me over something stupid.

Don’t apologise to me because you burst into tears for no reason.

Don’t apologise because you cancel on plans because you are tired due to lack of sleep.

Don’t apologise to me because you forget something because your mind is clouded with negative thoughts.

Don’t apologise to me because you have ways of coping such as self-harm or recreational drug taking.

Don’t apologise to me because you left without saying goodbye because your self-esteem was so low you couldn’t cope.

And do not apologise for feeling the way you feel.

Feelings are inevitable and sometimes, they are consuming.

The only time I want you to apologise is when you are not helping yourself.

Then, the only person I want you to apologise to is yourself.

Learning to cope and treat your mental health can be a long and windy road where you take several steps forward and a couple of steps back but know that each time you fall back, you are never right back to where you started.

Every day with help, whether that be medication or counselling, you are one step closer to feeling better than the day before. You are stronger than the day before.

It may never go away and it may never come back but you will always know that you have beat it once and you can beat it again.

And every moment you are in this isolating torment, you are not as alone as you think. I PROMISE.

You are human, you have emotions and feelings. Take each day as it comes and don’t be too hard on yourself. 

You could play football 5 days a week and hurt yourself physically and you could be stressed for 5 days a week and you could hurt yourself mentally. Both may need some form of help and both may need time and support. IT IS NOT ANY DIFFERENT.

Whatever you are struggling with; stand up, grab it with two hands and look at it in the eyes and say…

BRING IT ON!

 

 

Despite what you think, I am fucking fabulous.

Excuse my french. Kind of.

With the pressure of studying and essays, the torture of my mental health and the new journey I am on; sometimes, I feel like crap.

Sometimes I feel like I am strong and I am proud of who I am and other days, I feel like maybe I should just go and get drunk, wasted, not caring. If I did that maybe I’d have more friends. If I didn’t care about myself that much, maybe I’d enjoy life more.

But then I realised I would be settling for less and that is something I will never do.

Just become I am sad sometimes doesn’t mean that I am not strong. Just because I am lazy sometimes doesn’t mean I am not determined. And just because sometimes I want to do nothing, build a den and pretend other people doesn’t exist does not mean that I am not an independent, driven, hardworking person who wants to get the most out of this wonderful world we live in.

I’m not perfect but I don’t want to be.

I wake up in the morning and get up because I want to have a productive day and enjoy it and that makes me feel good.

I eat healthy food because I like the taste and it makes me feel good.

I exercise when I get the chance because I am good at it and it makes me feel good.

I don’t drink alcohol because I am a better person without it and being sober makes me feel good. 

I have really good friends but only an amount that I can count on one hand and thats because I choose quality, not quantity and that makes me feel good. 

I have a job because I like the independence of earning and the pride of a job well done and that makes me feel good.

I am single because I want to be and when I look at the list above, I realise I am worthy of a healthy loving relationship.

AND THIS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

I woke up today tired and irritable. I was feeling low and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I dragged myself out of bed, had a shower, put my big girl panties on and chose my attitude.

If only every day was as easy as this.

But sometimes, when you feel isolated, depressed with no energy only you can remind youself of how fucking fabulous you are!

and here I am. Happy, loved and crazy. Living life to the full and I am going to continue to live this way.

 

 

 

For all students wishing this academic year was done already!

Stressed? Of course you are. Silly question…

In the next 2 and a half months, I have 6 pieces of written work to hand in and 3 exams. WHAT A JOKE RIGHT? 

For some reason, I have woken up on the right side of the bed today and I am feeling determined and positive… probably because I have to as I have an essay due tomorrow at 4pm.

Anyway, if I could give you any advice to help you survive the next few weeks, it would be this:

GO BACK TO BASICS.

You have basic needs and make sure they are met:

• Keep fed. No one likes a hangry bitch. Eat well too. By eating healthy food, you will have more energy and you will fee better about yourself psychological as well as physically. But if not, just eat. Make sure you are fed!

• Stay hydrated. Being a university student, 9 times out of 10 there is going to be alcohol somewhere in your week at least once. If you are going to drink, also drink water. For your body and brain to work, it needs water. Also, drinking less water can make you feel hungry and therefore, hangry. Like I said, no-one likes a hangry bitch.

• Get sleep. Go to bed early and wake up feeling fresh. You need this to function. Take advantage of the whole day. By laying in bed, you are only going to procrastinate and before you know it, its 3pm and you just give up because the days pretty much over. Get up, get shit sorted! Nap later if need be. Also, sorry guys but get into bed and DO NOT GO ON YOUR PHONE. This just prevents sleep and will make you agitated.

• Don’t be scared to miss a night out. There are going to be so many more opportunities for you to get shitfaced. I know its a good stress relief but you will lose money, days and probably part of your soul from it. It’s ok to say no.

• Be clean. Have a shower, do your hair and makeup or whatever you’re in to. It’ll make you feel better. Get dressed and get ready! Fake it until you make it hun.

• See other human beings. If you don’t, you’ll become even more isolated. Go for a coffee with a friend and talk about anything but essays and exams. St this point, it really doesn’t matter if you want to bitch about one of your housemates or rant about something you’ve seen on facebook. Just let it all out.

• Call yo’ mumma. Call yo’ daddy. Call your family. They care about you and it’s nice to know someone cares. Even if it is a drastic piece of advice. Even if you don’t talk about your stresses, it will calm you just hearing a bit of normality and I’m sure they’d love to hear from you!

• Get moving. You don’t have to run 10k but do some form of physical activity. Even if it is walking around campus. You will feel much better for it. Exercise releases happy endorphins! Plus, if you do workout, your body will have a reason to be tired which will hopefully result in a better nights sleep.

• Have a holiday… from social media. Whilst it can be great for keeping in contact, it can also drag you down. It’s never nice to sit in swamped in essays and watch other people having fun. Get your shit done and then join your friends at the beach instead of liking their selfies on the sand.

• Plan! I’m sure you are sick of hearing plan your work so I won’t say that but plan the next day. Plan your outfit so you can role out of bed and get dressed. Shower the night before so you don’t have to think about getting out of a warm bed into the cold. If you are wide awake the evening before, cook for the next day. You will feel so much organised and organisation is key when you are feeling like poo.

• Give yourself a break. Focus on the first priority. There is no point stressing about next weeks essay when you have one due this week. Skip a lecture if you have too. Don’t finish your reading. It’s okay. Give yourself a break! The most important things to do after looking after yourself is to complete your marked work. This is what will get you through uni. Don’t stress if you haven’t done the reading. Do what you can. You are only human!

• REMEMBER – YOU CAN ONLY TRY YOUR BEST. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes, we become overwhelmed. Sometimes things happen out of our control. Chill out. Breathe. No matter if you have to work 20 hours more at work this week, if you are struggling with your mental health, if you have a virus or if you have just overloaded yourself, focus. You can only do your best. This essay may not be as good as the last but maybe last month, you didn’t have any of the issues you have this month. Trying your best is the best thing you can do and be proud that you have achieved your best at that moment!

Spring term ends in 45 days. 12 of those days are weekends. 14 days of those is Easter break.

YOU GOT THIS!!!!!!!

What is worse? Losing someone you love or losing the love for yourself?

Going through a break-up is shit. Straight to the point. It just sucks.

But is it worse to fall out of love with who you are?

I have been battling with this question the last few days.

On one hand, I really believe that no one can love who you truly are when you don’t love yourself. It is so important to love yourself. To be able to sit in your own company and enjoy it. To keep on being productive because you are great despite what anyone says. To look in the mirror and to choose a positive attitude because girl, you got this. But when you stop feeling these things and you start to doubt yourself, can anyone really love you? Would you believe them? And if they do, would you even notice?

When you feel so numb and so empty, you become hopeless. What is the point? It’s frustrating for those around you to watch but you’re the one going through it. You can’t just flick a switch and stop this depression or stress or anxiety. Even if you wish you could, you just can’t. You’re doing everything you can and it is still not good enough.

When you feel like this, how is it even possible to love yourself? You don’t like being in your own company because your own mind is against you. You can’t be productive because your mind is so full up, it almost feels empty and you can’t sleep, you’re permanently exhausted. You can’t look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see because you don’t believe in yourself anymore. You are suffocating.

How do you learn to love yourself again?

On the other hand, when someone loves you when you can’t, it can be the glue to hold you together. It can keep you striving forwards and it can provide hope that eventually, one day, you will love yourself again. The way that person looks at you or even the fact they text you regularly can increase your confidence and self esteem and hopefully, this would lead to a better sense of self-worth.

You can really take loved ones for granted and not necessarily on purpose. When you are struggling in life, you can become all consumed in your own problems. You may even be facing denial. You may think that you are the only one being swallowed by this black hole but when you open your eyes and step back, those around you can be suffering too. To watch a loved one self destruct, be suicidal or just lose hope is soul destroying enough.I never want to go through this again and I am sorry for those who feel like this with myself.

And the best outcome from all of this is that you keep fighting and you pull through. You build up your self esteem and start to believe in yourself. Those around you who have held you up for so long don’t need to anymore. You can begin to stand alone and for once, not feel lonely. You begin to smile and laugh honestly again. You begin to feel content, happy and satisfied. You begin to love again.

But the worst outcome? The people you love can’t stand to watch you self destruct anymore and suddenly, they are gone. You felt overwhelmingly lonely before and now, you really are lonely. You still have the fight to feel better but you are not only battling with the dark cloud over your head, you are questioning yourself as a person. Is this who I am? Am I always going to feel like this? Are people always going to leave me? You don’t blame them for leaving but you feel so helpless and in despair, you’re silently screaming for them to be here with you. You don’t want to be needy because being needy is “weak“. In reality, they have helped you but you just didn’t see it so why should you beg for help. Is it all your fault that they’ve gone? You start to feel even more unloved, unwanted and unneeded and you start to doubt what the point of love is and if you are capable to love again?

I still don’t have a definitive answer for this question.

All I know is that you need to look after number one. You know who you are the best out of everyone. And sometimes, you do need help and you do need to lean on people. Be grateful for those people. They don’t have to help you but they do and they do it because they care.

Most of all, just don’t give up. Tomorrow is a new day and time is a healer. You got this!  And if that isn’t enough, I like to think “Beyonce wasn’t built in a day!”.

 

Trust your instinct and never settle for less!

Love.

Love can be amazing, beautiful, colourful, inspirational… It can also be painful, regrettable, soul destroying, emotional.

But in life, you have to take risks even if you know that in the end, and theres always an end, that it can bring you a lot of pain.

I’m sure like me, you’ve had relationships which felt like whirlwinds. You didn’t know if you were coming or going. A mix between Katy Perry’s ‘Hot n Cold’ and Taylor Swift’s ‘Out of the Woods’ – Even those two hate each other. How ironic. 

And the relationship eventually ends with feelings of frustration, anger, hatred, jealousy and spite but at least you feel something.

Have you even been in a relationship where it has just fizzled out? Where your best friend is just someone you pass on the street? I think sometimes, this can be even more of a test.

What are you supposed to do when you feel nothing. Spending a year and a half in a relationship with someone and it’s been an amazing relationship to suddenly growing apart and having nothing in common. IT IS THE WEIRDEST FEELING!

And then the range of emotions come…

Anger … but with yourself. How did this happen?

Frustration … but he is such a good person and nothing bad happened so why did this happen?

Failure… way to go, you couldn’t even keep a good one!

Disappointment… I thought I’d done the bad boy thing, found a good guy and this was it…

and the vicious cycle of emotions keep on spinning.

Until…

YOU PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS ON, LISTEN TO BEYONCE AND REALISE YOU ARE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO BE.

Sometimes people cannot come up to your level and sometimes, no matter how amazing they are, you cannot settle for less. My ambition, drive and independence can sometimes be a curse but it is time to see it as something to be proud of.

In the last 7 years, I have had 4 long term boyfriends. Some treated me like a princess and some treated me like a trophy and some treated me like a doormat. I was loved and I was lost. But each time, I have walked away. You know that feeling in your stomach that you get when things aren’t right? TRUST IT. 

Trust your instinct and NEVER settle for less.

So here I am, Single again and by choice. I have cried and I have smiled and now, I am accepting that this is my summer of single and I am on to bigger and better things.

 

6 months sober and proud!

Well, I never thought I’d be here.
BUT I AM!

That’s 26 weekends that I’ve survived! Considering I started this 2 weeks before Christmas, I feel a little bit more proud!

Earlier a comment was made on my 6 month sober post saying “you make it sound like you were an alcoholic”. I was mad for a while. Sorry I wasn’t a raging alcoholic. I don’t have to justify myself or my life choices but I will because I am goddamn proud!

For years, there was rarely a weekend where I wasn’t getting absolutely wasted. Okay, so many teenagers/young adults go through this but everyone’s life is different. I’ve been through things that no one has and vice versa. My mental health is different to everyone’s just like my physical health. Everyone is different.

I am proud that I admitted I had a problem.

I’m proud that I managed to socialise sober. 

I’m proud of the money I’ve saved. 

I’m proud of all my fitness goals I have and am achieving.

I’m proud of passing my evening college classes. 

I’m proud of myself for being myself and not being drunk and emotional.

Most of all, I’m proud I stopped drinking and made it to 6 months.
Binge drinking can be just as bad as relying on alcohol daily. You don’t have to drink yourself to death every day to be classed an alcoholic. There are a lot of different factors. 

I have always had an addictive personality and this mixed with my depression and anxiety can be a soul destroying mix. Add alcohol into the equation and I may as well give up.  

But I was strong and achieved 6 months. It’s funny because many people criticised me for not drinking and today, I was criticised because I stopped drinking and I posted about it.
Honestly, the last 6 months have been the best, most consistent, most successful time of my life. 

I am so looking forward to the next 6 months! ❤️👍🏼