Welcome to Round 2: Sobriety – The After Life

So, on 19/07/2015 I decided to have my first drink in just over 7 months and to be honest, it wasn’t very exciting.

I had been battling with myself during those seven months, wondering when I was to have an alcoholic drink again and I think I had built up this ‘first drink’ into something it most certainly wasn’t!

Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret having a drink. Yes, it would of been nice to complete a years sobriety but I didn’t feel like I needed too.

Having alcohol again feels like I’m in a competition and I’ve made it to the next round. I did what I set out to do. I stopped drinking. I battled with the fact my friends were going out getting drunk. I changed my social life. I made new friends. Most importantly, I got to the point where I realised I didn’t want a drink. I didn’t really miss it. It would reach 5pm on a friday and the last thing I thought of was ‘I need a drink’ and that was when I knew I had won.

NEXT ROUND.

Now, I’ve broken my sobriety and I could have a drink whenever I wanted. Luckily, I still don’t really fancy one. I went camping with my boyfriend and it was amazing. We had a great time but I had this sudden urge to drink. In the past, when I had gone on holiday or it was a big event, I would just think of alcohol. I associated alcohol with fun for such a long time and I guess going away on holiday was just a trigger to my old ways of thinking. I did have a drink on holiday. I had a few. It was nice and it was controlled and I didn’t need to down anything or have an urgency to feel really drunk.

However, having that alcoholic drink didn’t make my night worse and it didn’t make my night better. I felt I could of easily had a mocktail version or something else to drink and I still would of had a great night.

And I did have a good night. Although, there’s always going to be a downside to it:

• the urge to pee through out the night,

• the dehydration which is just irritating

• and the headache I endured for a few hours the next morning. I had a slight headache and I hate headaches. I had a headache after one fruit flavoured cider. I used to drink ten times that amount and some how I didn’t die?

So, my next challenge really is to know when to drink. I’ve decided it comes down to this:

The Situation

Am I celebrating something? Is it a birthday? Or am I drinking because I’ve had a bad day at work?

The Company

Am I in good company? Do these people care about me? Do I feel comfortable drinking around these people? Do I feel peer pressured?

The Mood

What sort of day have I had? If I’m not feeling great, physically and/or mentally, will drinking help?

The Cons

Do I have to get up tomorrow? Can I afford to drink?

By answering these questions, I should be fine. I think I answer them subconsciously anyway. I’m going to be okay and I don’t feel worried at all. Having that drink has actually lifted a massive weight off my shoulders and I feel, from now on, that when I have a drink I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it because it is going to be at the right time for the right reason.

Drug Domestics

Why hello fellow bloggers! It’s been too long!

(Yes, that is me waving)

I have been super busy and I miss blogging but in a way, I guess it’s a good thing that I haven’t posted in a while because it’s proof enough for me that my life is good.

So, my rant today. DRUGS.

A close family member of mine has recently been away for the weekend and came home today. We have a strange relationship. I love him to death but due to his actions in the past, it can make things difficult between us especially as he has as much emotion as a leaf.

He was telling me about the weekend and how it was boring but last night was fun. Then, he proceeded to tell me “I took so many drugs last night.”

Ok. You know when you see a car crash and you shouldn’t look but you can’t help it. That’s what I felt like in that moment. I didn’t want to know but I kept nodding and saying ‘oh’ and ‘yeah’… so the conversation continued.

“I took some M D N M… something like that, we had it in pill form when we were young… It was good”.

By the collection of letters, I think he meant MDMA.

Now, from past experiences of my own and from being friends with drug users and surrounding myself with that unrealistic lifestyle and the dirty habit, ALL DRUGS ARE BAD.I don’t like drugs, I don’t like to be friends with people who take drugs and  don’t want to hear about people raving about how they were “off their nut”. Bit hypocritical? Yeah ok but luckily I had a moral compass pulling me in the right direction and I got out when I could.

Basically, to me, all drugs are bad BUT I was glad my family member said MDMA or m d n m a dgjfdihrod than any other drug.

Although, he now tells me “Yeah that stuff was really good, then we had a few lines of cocaine“.

F O R  F U C K  S A K E.

Now this family member is suppose to be a role model. He’s supposed to inspire me and push me to achieve my goals. What is this teaching me? In a way, I am lucky to have experienced so many shitty life changing events because I could react to this in the most mature way possible. A year ago, I may have crumbled and then drugs would of played on my mind until I went into fuck it mode, hung around with bad people who could push a habit on me and I most likely would of accepted because I was weak.

Now, this family member is in his late 40’s. I love him to death. believe me, I would miss him if he disappeared but a lot of the time, I really do feel like the adult. I feel responsible for him. He lives alone and he has been single for years. His friends are pretty much in the same boat. He has so much potential as a person and despite some of his actions, he’s not a bad person but unlike me, he doesn’t seem to want more.

I spent years of my life feeling bad for not spending time with him so I’d give up weekends or holidays to see him, when in reality and reflection, my drinking habit has stemmed from a lot of what I have seen in the times we spent together.

Finally, being sober especially, I feel so much in control of my life. I know what I want and I am going for it. Nothing seems impossible. I’m not going to wait around for anyone. This is my life. I only have one shot and I’m going to make sure I have the best life I can possible have.

Pssssst….   4 and a half months sober!!!!!

Speak soon sobrieters, love you all xxxxxxx

My new three very odd verbal habits

1. Inappropriate factual small talk

I have found myself in many situations recently where I don’t know what to say so I end up saying something random or inappropriate to fill the silence.

Example no. 1 – The Sting Ray

On a date with a guy I have recently met and we end up going to the aquarium in Portsmouth. We’re standing on decking, looking down on the sting rays and it goes silent. So what does my witty mind come up with? “I wonder if they know they’re flat”. Wow. Then when I get a strange look, I proceed to tell the guy that if we saw a clone of ourself, we wouldn’t recognise ourselves as it’s not like looking in the mirror. I probably sounded like a nut job. To be fair, I have always wondered if they do know they’re flat but really Kelly, on a date? Sigh.

Example no. 2 – Polar bears Dominant Hand

This was also on a date with the same guy. I want to face palm already. We went into a music shop and looked at guitars. He picked up a left handed guitar and told me, obviously that he is left handed. Anything. Anything I could of said but no. I come out with “Polar bears are left handed”. It gets worse. I proceed to tell him that “Left handed people have a shorter life expectancy than right handed people”. Unfortunately, I have just googled the first fact and it is not true. Twat. However, the second fact is true! So I’m not a complete loser.

And if any lefties are reading this: http://leftyfretz.com/25-facts-about-left-handed-people/

2. Remaining silent

Saying nothing is almost as bad as saying inappropriate factual small talk. I have met some really decent people lately and since being sober, as I’ve said previously, I really do feel like a different person and its almost like I am getting to know my friends all over again. Anyway… 

Example no.1 – Depression and mental health

I watched a film with my male friend recently and it was about mental health. After the film, I asked what his opinion of mental health was. Luckily, he had the same line of thoughts as me. Stupidly, I just sat there in silence. Anyone that knows me would say I am quick to stand up for what I believe in and mental health is important to me. The way it is seen in society and the way it is dealt with frustrates me incredibly and as it is something I have experienced in those around me and lived with myself, you would of thought that my mouth would be open and out comes all my strong opinions and beliefs. But nothing. I just sat there and barely said anything.

Example no.2 – Moaning friends

So, I have been very busy lately and things have been very stressful. I can’t go into too much detail in case some one reads this that shouldn’t. Anyway, my friend was moaning about someone. This someone had also been winding me up all week and I had nearly reached breaking point. I don’t like to bitch but when I get wound up, i like to rant. In this case, I just listened. I added a comment hear or there but I didn’t really say much. To my friend, I probably didn’t seem that interested when inside I was thinking “God that bitch drives me crazy as well”. It is very strange for me to say nothing. Very strange.

3. Verbal Diarrhoea

I have been treated a lot recently and I have great manners and can be very polite. A normal response to a gift or a kind action would be “thank you”… nope, not me.

Example no.1 – Beautiful Flowers

I spent a couple of hours with my male friend. We chilled and watched a film. As we left, he started acting really strange. We left his house and I noticed he had his arm behind his back. I started winding him up saying “What’s behind your back, show meeeeee”.  When we got near my car, he showed me. It was a bunch of yellow roses. They were lovely but my reaction wasn’t that great. The first thing that came out of my mouth was “Don’t buy me flowers!”. Inside my head, what I really wanted to say was “Oh my god, I love them. Thank you so much, you don’t have to get me anything. You are so lovely.” but my stupid brain doesn’t function quick enough so I come out with “Don’t buy me flowers”. TWAT. Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Luckily, my brain clicked back to reality and I thanked him for the flowers and later, I text him saying how I’m really grateful and I’m not used to being treated.

Example no.2 – Hand Picked Chocolates

Again, this was with my male friend. We were going for a meal and when we met up, he told me to close my eyes and I have real trust issues with closing my eyes haha… but I did. He handed me a gold box with a ribbon around it and a little paper rose. It was really cute. My reaction wasn’t. Clever Kelly says “Oh my god, why do you keep buying me presents?”. What I meant to say was “I’m so shocked. I love it. Thank you so much”. I am so lucky to have actually met a guy who wants to buy me nice things and take me nice places. I’ve never really had that before. Yet, I keep coming out with stupid verbal diarrhoea that will probably scare him away and make him think I’m an ungrateful bitch.

I apologise to anyone who has to put up with my three new very odd verbal habits. I’m very sorry and I’m working on it.

My first post in a while.

I’ve been so busy and I have missed blogging.

BUT IM BACK…