My last alcoholic drink

*TRIGGER WARNING*

A year ago today tonight was the last time I drank alcohol.

I went into it with the intention of having fun and I was determined and positive that I could and would control myself under the influence of alcohol.

I was drinking Rosé wine with my boyfriend and I facetimed my mum at around 9pm all happy and giggly.

We then went to my house and played beer pong. I was still laughing by this point. We were ready to go to bed and by this time, I didn’t know what time it was. I went upstairs to the toilet and my boyfriend had just gotten into bed. My best friend called me whilst I was on the toilet and in all honesty that is the last thing I clearly remember.

The night suddenly turned into my worst nightmare and I feel I need to share it. People don’t understand why I don’t drink and I don’t need to justify my reasons why. However, when I tell people that I go crazy, they say “so does everyone” or “everyone has a night like that”, I want you to know that if you only ever have one awful night of drinking, that is a good enough reason for you to want to stop drinking. Don’t feel pressured by society to carry on because English culture is one of the biggest binge drinking cultures in the world.

Anyway, my memory is very vague by this point.

Just remember, I went upstairs happy. Giggly. Ready to come back and cuddle my boyfriend in bed.

I came downstairs and collapsed on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. I then proceeded to scream and hold my head. Mumbling about events I had repressed and also events I thought I had mentally dealt with. I don’t know what triggered this behaviour and that is what is so frightening.

I then became determined again but my determination had changed. It had gone from being determined to have a good night to now, being determined to harm myself.

I pretended to get a drink in the kitchen and took a knife to the bathroom where my boyfriend kicked the door in. I did this repeatedly with other sharp objects. I smashed glass cups, glass bottles and in the end, I smashed my wall mirror.

The strange thing about this is that I didn’t use my fist. I wanted to hurt myself but instead of punching the mirror, I grabbed my can of deodorant and repeatedly smashed the mirror. I then grabbed pieces of the broken glass, ran away and cut my arm.

Whilst this was going on, my boyfriend was trying to catch me, restrain me and calm me down but I only saw red. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I just needed to get what I wanted and in that moment in time, it was to hurt myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my boyfriend’s bed with a sore head. I sat bolt up right with the realisation of what had happened. I looked at my arm which my boyfriend had bandaged up and I felt so empty. I hadn’t been this out of control in 4 years. My boyfriend was fast asleep and I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look at myself.

The feeling I felt whilst out of control drunk was a strangely comfortable feeling but it had to stop. It was dangerous. Every time I reached that level of drunk, I took it to the next step. I’ve never smashed a mirror before to hurt myself. I’d also never hurt myself to that extent before. What if next time I was so drunk that I ended my life. I didn’t want to die. I was just hurting.

The feeling I felt when I woke up that morning is one I will never forget and sometimes it haunts me. It’s not because I felt bad about what I did to myself. It’s because of what I put my boyfriend through. The responsibility of looking after me. Trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Watching them self-destruct and being so determined to harm their body. I then remembered everyone else who had ever suffered in that position. My mum, my best friends, even people who weren’t that close with me but felt obliged to fix me at that moment in time.

I felt disgusted. The person who I became when I was drunk was so detached from who I was sober.

Sober, I would put 100% into my work and my studies. I would go to the gym. I would enjoy spending time with family and friends. I had goals, ambitions, dreams and I was determined to have an amazing life.

But as soon as alcohol entered my system, I was gone and this monster who hated herself came out. She would remind herself of ever traumatic experience she’d been through and make her relive the pain. She was self-destructive and dangerous. But most of all, she didn’t know or remember what exactly she was doing. It was like she had gone into auto-pilot.

Saying that my body and mind had gone into auto-pilot is not an excuse for my behaviour but it is exactly how I felt. My body would continue to act and behave in certain ways and I would have certain thoughts but I would lose my eyesight, my memory and my self-control.

This night was the last night I drank alcohol and I made the biggest and best decision of my life to stop drinking.

I wasn’t giving up something, I was freeing myself and allowing myself to be the best version of who I am.

It is important for me to write this, not only for other people to understand or to relate to and know it is okay to have a problem with substances but it is important to write this for myself.

It is really horrible to remember what I was like and what I did when I was drinking but it is so important. Reflection is incredibly important and it keeps me striving forwards with my sobriety and pushes me forwards to be the person I am and who I want to be.

Lastly, this is an apology. To anyone I hurt physically or mentally whilst I was under the influence of alcohol. You might remember horrible words I said or disgusting behaviour and the worst thing is, I probably don’t remember. So please, forgive me for who I was before I stopped drinking. I was suffering with my mental health and with substance misuse. There is no excuse for anything I ever did but know that I am truly sorry and I am not the person I once was.

Nearly 1 year sober.

Peace out xx

Why do we get drunk?

(This is a bit of a random rant so excuse me but…)

Why do we get drunk?

If someone can give me a valid answer to this question, then I will eat my hat! That’s how the saying goes right?

Many people say to me “Eurgh I’m gonna be so hungover on…” or “I’ll start that after the weekend because I’ll be so drunk, I won’t be able to do anything for a few days”.

People seem to think that a big event such as a holiday, a birthday, a festival etc involves getting absolutely wasted. But when people moan about the aftermath, what is the point?

Essentially, you are paying for something: a girls holiday for example. Don’t get me wrong, I went to Benidorm with my bestfriend and I spent the holiday drunk but the hangovers had got to have been the worst I’ve ever experienced. 

Lets think about this rationally= I paid for an amazing experience to spent a couple of hours enjoying being out of my head each day and double the time recovering each day.

How does that make sense?

As well as this, why do people think that they need to get drunk to enjoy things in life?

I love partying and I love holidays but when people go overboard and drink excessively, are you really enjoying it? I know I wasn’t. Not as much as I do now.

Are you going to remember it?

Are you going to enjoy it to the full potential?

There’s nothing wrong with having a relaxing or social drink but most young people in England believe that binge drinking their way through weekends is the way to let off steam and enjoy themselves.

You have question why you feel that your source of fun is going out and getting really drunk. Some people might just generally enjoy it but I am actually still yet to meet someone who honestly drinks just for “fun”.

When I did my research project the two top findings as to why people binge drink were:

1/ to have fun but most of these people also picked number two.

2/ to make themselves feel better. This involved to build confidence, to forget things, to feel less anxious, to feel less depressed, to feel like they fit in. 

Why work so hard for things in life to piss it up the wall with getting drunk?

I have no judgement. Of course, I don’t. I used to drink because I thought it was what I had to do to have fun. I thought I was enjoying myself. I thought that I thought it was fun. But really, I was masking a lot of unconscious anger, frustration and pain. I didn’t even realise I was repressing these feelings. I never let myself feel those things.

What I am trying to say is that before you go out and decide to get annihilated with your friends, ask yourself why you are going to get drunk? and what is the worst that can happen if you don’t get really drunk?

 

 

 

 

101 days sober!

So, yesterday, I celebrated my 100 days sober!

I have gone from this …

to this…

I am so happy! In all honesty, sobriety feels normal to me now. It can still be tough at times but who I am as a person today is the best version of myself.

Becoming sober has made me realise a lot of things…

1/ Who my real friends are. I lost a lot of people and I chose to to distance myself from people too. But the people in my life right now are the best people and I ams so grateful to have them in my life.

2/ My depression backed off. My clouds are less grey and my shoulders are lighter. I can think more rationally and when I feel sad, I know that what I am feeling is real and it’s because of something that’s happened. Not because I have been drinking and my serotonin levels are confused and angry.

3/ I love myself. When I was drinking, I struggled to like myself. I’d have a drink and it would give me confidence. I’d have to a drink to forget. I’d have a drink to lose myself. I can’t do that now. Instead, I face my emotions, feelings, situations and I overcome them. It makes me love myself more because I feel true to myself.

4/ I had to find a balance. I have decided that if I am to go out into an environment with alcohol and drugs (e.g a party, a club), it needs to have one of these two things. Good company or a good reason. I have been out for the sake of it with people I’m not too confident around and my anxiety sky rockets and I either feel really uncomfortable or really bored. Instead, if I go out with the people I feel good around or for a reason (e.g work party, end of exams celebrations, birthday) then I seem to enjoy my self. This rule really works!

5/ I look great. I have had so many compliments on my image since being sober. In all honesty, this could be a range of things. Being sober has encouraged a healthier diet and regular gym sessions but as well as this, I am much happier. So it could be my weight loss, my clearer skin, my shinier hair or the smile on my face. Either way, it’s nice to hear compliments.

6/ It takes a lot for something to be a chore. When I was drinking, my hangovers were horrendous and I would feel so low for days after. Now, my head is clear. If I want something done, I do it. I don’t procrastinate, I just do it. Saying that, I still love to lay in bed all day and ignore the fact that my room is a mess. But what I mean is that nothing seems to hard.

7/ Life is much cheaper. Not only am I not paying for alcohol but I’m not paying for the extra travel on nights out or the greasy food at the end of the night. Sometimes, bars don’t even charge me for soft drinks. I’ll ask for blackcurrant squash with water or a redbull and I get a “don’t worry about it”. That is such a great feeling. It’s almost like a reward for being sober.

8/ I go to bed flawless. No emotional breakdowns causing my makeup to pour down my face. No streaky face from sweating. No panda eyes. No frizzy hair. Taking a selfie or a group picture is not an issue anymore.

9/ I wake up flawless. Literally. I wake up hydrated and fresh faced. I could get up and go for a run if I wanted too. In fact, I have gone for a run and at the same time, my friends have been throwing up hungover. It is really nice to not waste the day. Especially as my hangovers would last forever. I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

However, there are some challenges of being sober…

1/ Asserting yourself. Some situations you want to avoid and can’t, like birthdays. Or you really want to socialise with your friends but the thought of going to a bar whilst they are all drunk can be tough. Each time I go out, I give myself a talking to and take the challenge head on. When I was drinking, I would talk to anyone and everyone. Being sober, it is a little more challenging. It’s scary. But at the same time, it’s exciting. I always come home feeling like I’ve been the best version of myself and I never leave with regrets.

2/ My anxiety is real. I always suffered hand in hand with depression and anxiety but being sober and having a clearer head, I know what I am feeling is real. My anxiety has seemed to increase a little but thats okay because every time I feel a wave of anxiety, I challenge it. My anxiety used to be for so many reasons and many of the thoughts came from regrets or confusion as to what I said or did when I was drunk. Now, my anxiety is is centred around having to answer people’s endless questions on my sobriety when I am in a social situation but I know that in time I won’t care anymore.

3/ Trying to find a replacement drink. At first, I would have redbull. That shit is not alcoholic but my god, it is strong. In fact, it made me have a panic attack. AVOID EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE. Sometimes, I’ll have a coffee. Even then, I get the weirdest looks but I do love coffee. Although, it’s not possible to dance with a hot beverage in your hand and sometimes, it makes me want to sleep. Lime and soda is good choice. People just assume you’re drinking alcohol and you don’t have to constantly explain why you’re not drinking. Lastly, water. Water is FREE! and it keeps you hydrated. You can down it and not have to dance with a cup in your hand. Winning.

4/ Building your actual confidence rather than your liquid confidence. I love to dance but dancing sober can be scary. My biggest and best advice is to just not give a crap. I don’t have much shame anyway so dancing like a fool comes naturally to me. However, sometimes you get that “omg your sober, does anyone notice, are your dance moves okay, do they look sober” thoughts and it’s very off putting. In that scenario, let ya freak flag fly and shake dat ass. In all honesty, everyone is wasted and you will not be the worst dancer there, I promise.

5/ Reminding your friends you are still alive. Sometime’s people assume you don’t wanna party because you are sober. I love to party. Don’t sit back and wait for your friends to contact you because they will probably just assume you don’t want to be in that environment. If you wanna go out, then go out.

6/ Having to love your friends and family when they’re drinking and you’re not. I don’t judge anyone for drinking but being around my loved ones when they drink can bring back some awful memories. Especially if you used to drink with those people. This is just something you need to learn to deal with. Obviously, being sober, everything is more real. Seeing your friends absolutely wasted is funny when you are drunk but when you’re sober, you not only get reminded of yourself and your bad times but you become mumma-bear and want to protect them. In reality, they were probably always like that but because I was drunk, I didn’t notice… usually because I was the most drunk.

7/ You have to face reality. Everything you suppressed with drinking is now going to come to the surface and it’s time to deal with it. It can be really hard at first but give it time and you’ll be thankful that you’ve been brave and dealt with your demons.

8/ Coming to terms with your sobriety. This was probably the hardest thing to do. I wanted to be sober when I stopped and I am so glad I stopped drinking but there are times when you really punish yourself and you shouldn’t. I recently went through a tough time and instead of just facing the truth that these things just happen, I got angry at myself. I punished myself for who I was when I was drunk. I would hate on myself with thoughts like “why are you so ‘special’ that you need to be sober”, “you’re fucked up” and “why can’t you be like everyone else”. Luckily, I told myself to shut up and after a lot of internal arguments, those thoughts rarely come now. Those thoughts are reallllly stupid because I’m not fucked up and I don’t want to be like everyone else. Also, just become I’m sober, it doesn’t mean that I’m some weird alien species. I just stopped drinking. Thats all.

But despite all the challenges I have faced, the thing that I am most proud of is my bravery. I went to parties and clubs sober. I danced sober. I purposely pushed myself out of my comfort zone and did everything I usually did when I was drunk but this time, I did it sober. As well as this, I moved out of a house and environment that was making my mental and physical health worse. I sought professional help. I went back to the gym. I studied harder. I worked harder. I laughed harder. I started a society for people at University who want to enjoy their time without drugs or alcohol. I am saving for a mental health placement in Sri Lanka. I have two summer jobs. I have strengthened friendships and I have found a balance in life where it is no longer all or nothing. I am no longer drowning in the river of emotions, I am now chilling on the riverbank watching the emotions flow past. 

Choosing to change your life in a positive way which is socially rejected can be extremely hard but I have done it and I will continue to do it.

I am still Kelly. I’m still funny and loud. I still dance like no-ones watching. I still say really inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. But this time, I have more control of who I am and I love myself and that is all I want in life. I don’t care if you think I’m boring or think less of me because of my choice to free myself. I’m less boring than I ever was and I will continue to enjoy life to its full potential.

Lastly, I may have done the majority of things on my own but I have to thank everyone who has supported me. You may not have understood my choices but the fact that you were still there by my side has made this so much easier. Even if you ‘just read this blog’, it is such a huge support and I couldn’t ask for more. Thank you guys x

 

 

Feeling ‘High On Life’!

Today, I received the best news.

My goal of creating a society for people who don’t drink or take drugs was accepted.

Here, I present: High On Life society!

YAAAAY FRICKING YAYYYY.

After first, we were rejected. We were told there were societies at the university that do not push drinking (boardgames, harry potter, oddsoc). We were also told there is a lot of support at the uni for people who struggle with substances. I felt really misunderstood. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting people with similar lifestyles and not feeling pressured to drink or take drugs.

I decided I wouldn’t give up so I collected statements from everyone who wanted to be apart of the society and wrote an email expressing the high demand for the society. After several emails sent back and forth, we got an appeal. As I was at home, three people in the society volunteered to go in my place and thank god they did because they did a wonderful job! AND WE FINALLY GOT ACCEPTED AS AN OFFICIAL SOCIETY!

University is great but it can also be incredibly hard if you don’t follow the party life drinking student stereotype. In fact, University can be hard full stop, let alone battling with your own life choices not to drink or take drugs.

The society idea came about when I stopped drinking and struggled to find fun things to do that I enjoyed without alcohol or drugs. Whilst, there were societies that do not push alcohol, I did not enjoy their focus e.g boardgames and after searching online for local groups of people who do not drink, I only found people of the older generation. There were also many support groups but I did not want to go to those, I just wanted to make friends who did not drink for whatever reason and have fun, just like I did when I was drinking but without the alcohol.

Many events and nights out are centred around the party lifestyle and despite still loving to party, it can be really hard when your sober to turn up and remain confident without your liquid confidence. Especially when people question you as a person for not drinking. Even more so when people think they can persuade you to drink.

I have nothing against anyone drinking. Most of my friends drink. In fact, all of them do and I love them all. But sometimes, you need that option. You need an option to socialise with people who have a similar lifestyle to you in relation to substances.

I have tried to find people at university who don’t drink or take drugs for whatever reason and I have found it so hard. I started to feel isolated. But hey presto, I didn’t give up and I managed to find people who felt exactly the same as I did!

As well as feeling confident in my life choices now, I feel so relieved that I have found people from all walks of life who do not drink/take drugs for whatever reason. It is so refreshing. I finally feel like I’m not so ‘odd’. Finally, I feel like sobriety or just not obsessing over alcohol and drugs is becoming normality for a lot of people.

High On Life society is going to be three things:

• A sense of belonging: we all want to feel a part of something and all of the societies at university involve alcohol one way or another.
• The chance to network: to finally meet people who choose to have a good time without substances.
• To have fun without pressure: just because we don’t drink or take drugs does not mean we are boring. I am going to make it my mission to prove to the world that you don’t need alcohol and drugs to have fun. We are going to do everything that drinkers and drug takers do, just without the substances.

I can’t describe how happy I am that the society was finally accepted. People can do what they want in their spare time but our socials are going to be fun without substances. To know that when we meet up for socials, people will all be there for the same reason; To have fun without alcohol or drugs. Makes me sooo happy!

PLEASE DON’T EVER GIVE UP. IF YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, YOU CAN STILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL DESPITE BEING TOLD YOU CAN’T!

Ahhhh I can’t even write anymore, I’m tooooo happy 🙂

Kelly, out.

 

 

 

I came, I saw, I conquered and I partied sober bitches.

Ever been out clubbing sober?

I have been out in the last month or so twice and I did not drink or take drugs.

 

The first night out was in a dingy “club” in Gosport where dreams come to die. It’s called ‘Emma’s’. Don’t go.

Anyway, I went out with my aunty who loves a good night out when she’s not being a full time mum to her two young children. Despite not being too bothered whether my aunty drank alcohol, we decided to both be sober. Firstly, we headed to a pub and we bought an energy drink. In fact, we had two energy drinks and sang our hearts out to Christina Aguilera’s Dirrrrrty! After a while, we headed to the local club. This is where it gets interesting.

So to set the scene:

Sticky floors, bad disco lights, a wall to wall packed sweaty room with the ratio of men being way higher than women. Everyone was absolutely wasted. In all honesty, you have to be to go there. I looked around the room and saw the usual faces. Nevertheless, make the best out of a bad situation. We danced, we sang, we were given blackcurrant squash for free and then we left. We got a subway, got a taxi, went to bed and woke up happy and hangover-less. Fabulous.

The second time I went out sober was Saturday night. However, this was with my best friend of over 10 years and we grew up together discovering alcohol, trying alcohol, abusing alcohol and basically partying for a really long time. So to go out with my best friend sober was absolutely terrifying. It made me miss the old times and for a minute, it made me question my choices. But I knew that my best friend supported my decision. I would be mad if I had a drink and it wasn’t worth ruining 5 weeks of sobriety for a couple of hours losing my mind.

We got dressed up whilst dancing to Beyonce and we headed out for town. We went to a pub which played the most awesome throwback tunes and we sang our hearts out whilst awkwardly dancing sat down. I had a tropical redbull and my friend had a double vodka and lemonade. Buzzing.

We had three rounds and then left for Revenge; possibly my favourite club in Brighton. Full of straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transexual, you name it. There is no judgement in revenge and the music is as fabulous as the drag queen walking around in 6 inch heels.

The music was just what we wanted and what we needed. Cheesy throwback pop tunes to fill you with empowering thoughts and happy memories. We danced for a long time and had another 2 rounds in the club. Then around 2am, which is early for drunk people but late for sober people, we headed out to get food. We got a subway, jumped on the bus and headed home. We woke up the next day, got up and spent the day looking around Brighton and enjoying the day. It was such a good weekend!

I have to say that these are the only two nights that I can honestly say I have enjoyed. There is a 90% chance of waking up in the morning after an alcohol infused night out and regretting it. I can’t remember the last time I went out drinking and truly enjoyed myself and these two times, I had a blast.

So here are a few things I have learnt from partying sober:

• Clubs are hunting grounds. Guys tend to stand around the edges watching the girls dancing and getting more drunk. Taking off your beer goggles and watch! It’s fascinating.
• Alcohol really does make people more attractive. Self explanatory really.
• Drinks are either free or pennies if it is not alcoholic. This is my favourite.
• It doesn’t really matter what you look like, it matters how drunk you are. The girls who were more wasted looked more vulnerable and there were approached by the most guys.
• You can still ‘break the seal’. I don’t know if it was the amount of water and red bull I was drinking but damn, I still needed the toilet a lot.
•  No one notices if you are sober which is great if you are worried about being judged.
• Your make-up and hair still looks great at the end of the night. Always great for selfies!
• You are less likely to fall over, cry, break something. Normally, I lose things and come home with multiple bruises. The last two nights that I had went out, I came back in one piece with all of my belongings.
• The whole night is cheap. One night cost me £11. This included three drinks, club entry and money towards the taxi back.
• YOU CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

Basically, I loved it. I can enjoy life without alcohol and to finally be able to do that feels fantastic! A weight has been lifted. So, if you were cautious of drunk kelly, get ready for sober kelly ’cause I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!

 

 

5 months (and 1 day) sober baby!

A belated celebration post!

Thats 5 months, 1 day, 11 hours and 18 minutes.

Thats 21 weeks, 5 days, 11 hours and 18 minutes.

Thats 152 days, 11 hours, 18 minutes and 48 seconds.

Thats 3658 hours, 18 minutes and 48 seconds.

Seriously, what an achievement.

In this time, my life has changed dramatically and I am truly happy.

It’s very strange to actually believe that I ever drank alcohol excessively. I have to look at old pictures to remember what my life was like 5 months ago. Even then it’s still hard to remember the emotions and turmoil I was suffering. I regularly re-read my blog to remind me how much I have achieved and how amazing that is because I forget. I forget that I was consuming ridiculous amounts of alcohol at the weekend. I forget about the people I was associating myself with and what I thought friendship was. I forget about the bad choices I made when under the influence and most of the irrational thinking. 

However, I do not forget how awful I felt and I never forget the suffering I was putting my loved ones through. I will never forgot the fight to get here and the enormous amount of pride I feel. 

I’m so glad I started this blog even though I rarely write anymore but it is such a powerful reminder of what I have experienced. Reading words like “An unattractive, aggressive, emotional binge drinker” when describing myself or “Hand on heart, I never thought that I would have to stop drinking but also, I never believed I would stay sober.” is a powerful reminder of what I was like and what I believed and felt.

It is so nice to live in reality. I love being able to have dreams and ambitions and even though they were always achievable before, the poison has gone and my rational thinking is back and everything is clear. Everything is possible.

I now know where I stand. I know what I want and instead of making impossible plans to achieve my goals and when failing, going into fuck it mode and getting absolutely wasted, I make realistic and achievable paths. 

It is crazy how the mind works and how it can change in a second. My depression is so much more under control, I often forget it’s there. My anxiety still likes to pop up like an old friend as if to say “Don’t forget me” but that’s okay because it reminds me I’m human. We feel emotions and it’s okay to feel whatever I feel because now, nothing is influencing my feelings. My emotions and feelings are sober.

So, a big, long rant of a blog post with no specific point apart front the fact that nothing is impossible when you want it so badly and I am incredibly happy.