I’ve been stuck in this mood recently and its very difficult to free myself from it so I’ve decided to blog it.
Here goes nothing…
Recently, I feel rubbish. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel like I am competing. I feel on edge like any move I make could ruin something good.
This feeling of ‘not being good’ enough was a big damaging thought to myself and affected me up until I was 19 when I had CBT and learnt to fight these thoughts. However, sometimes, I’m too tired to fight. Sometimes, I just have to sit and bare with this thoughts and it’s not nice.
Don’t ask me why I feel like this because I don’t know. Nothing major has happened. Nothing to cause reactive depression. Just my good old self. This can almost be a punishment in itself. It’s like your thoughts reminding you that you’re not ‘normal‘… whatever that means.
The last few weeks, my anxiety has shot up and my depression is creeping up on me again. Silly little coping strategies seems so tempting.
I’ve been comfort eating. Well it didn’t work because now, I feel fat.
I’ve become a serious social media stalker. I can’t help it. I keep looking at everything and everyone. It’s as if I’m looking for something so I can prepare myself for the worst.
Luckily, I have had CBT before and it really changed my life. I know that the last few weeks I have been using several irrational thought processes such as All or nothing, Jumping to conclusions, Mind reading, Fortune telling and ‘Should’ statements.
All or nothing
This is where you go from one extreme to the other. I used to live my life like this. For a couple of days, I would eat healthy, work out, save my money, study and then I would go into ‘fuck it’ mode and be unhealthy. I’d spend my money, binge eat, drink, smoke. But all this did was make me feel guilty and hate myself a little bit more so then, I’d plan how I’d get my life back on track and the vicious cycle would begin again.
Jumping to conclusions
I rarely do this anymore but when I do, it can be so damaging. For example, seeing a picture of my boyfriend with an ex. I would feel like crap because lets face it, who wants to see that. Then, I would have thoughts such as ‘oh he must of loved her’, ‘he’ll never love me like that’, ‘she was probably the love of his life’, ‘I might as well be single and stop myself from future hurt’. None of this is helpful and it is completely irrational.
This is linked into ‘Jumping to conclusions‘. This is where the ‘I may as well end my relationship and give up’ or ‘I’ll never do well at college so what’s the point’ comes from. Rationally thinking, the only person stopping me from getting what I want is myself and I can’t tell the future. I think I battle with this one because it is mainly over things I can’t control.
This is where you believe someone has an opinion of you without even asking them their opinion. Several thought patterns will stem from this because we believe something we’ve decided in our own minds, instead of asking the opinion of others. I don’t do this as much as I used to and it’s a habit I want to get out of. For example, telling someone how you feel and you think they believe you’re an attention seeker or you’re being pathetic. This then stems to not talking at all and spirals into further irrational thinking. This is also linked to ‘Jumping to conclusions‘. Again, we can’t read minds and it is good for us to talk to others.
I should of gone to the gym. I shouldn’t of eaten that flapjack. This can link to ‘All or nothing‘. I feel so guilty after I should or shouldn’t have done something, that I go into fuck it mode and away we go. To be honest, I have done really well fighting this because I have learnt to not regret things, life is too short and just because I missed the gym or whatever, the world isn’t going to end.
As much as I’d love to go round asking everyone I care for to support me and tell me how much they love me every time I feel like this, it doesn’t happen. People need to realise we do not get our happiness from others, it does contribute but we control our own happiness. Plus, if every time I felt like this, I went to my family, friends, boyfriend etc they’d probably think I was emotionally unstable haha.
What I need to do is challenge my thoughts.
- I should of gone to the gym can turn into I didn’t go to the gym today because I didn’t feel like it but thats okay because there’s plenty more time to go this week.
- My boyfriend will never love me like her will turn into despite how strongly I feel for my boyfriend, if he doesn’t feel the same then there is nothing I can do and if he doesn’t realise how much I am worth, then he’s not worth my time.
- I’m getting fat so I’m going to binge eat turns into okay so you’ve gained a few pounds, you can easily lose them again. It’s barely noticeable and you are hardly fat. If anyone were to comment on my weight then they’d be no importance to my life.
Challenging irrational thoughts are the best because you realise how silly you were to begin with.
Every emotion is real but not every thought is the truth.
So, I’m going to take my mums words of wisdom and go “Back to basics“. Make time to watch that TV show I want to watch. Read the next chapter in my book. Get up early enough to have a cup of coffee and chill. Have a nice relaxing bath. Look after myself.