I am so angry.

Life is pretty good right now. Great family. Great friends. Uni is tough but it’s good. I have a job that I enjoy. Striving towards good things.

But I am angry.

I am so angry.

Not all of the time but now and then.

And being angry is exhausting. I actually feel angry because I feel angry.

The main reason I feel angry is because I was let down by someone I cared about. They let me believe that our relationship was worthy of a future and a purpose. Six months of hopeless conversation, fabrications and fake expectations. Six months of thinking you knew someone and they had falsely advertised who they were all along.

It doesn’t make them a bad person but it’s really hurt my feelings and I’m angry.

There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. There is no need to live up to someones expectations or to play it down to someones expectations. There is no need to make plans with someone who you don’t plan on doing anything with. There is no need spending time with someone and letting them fall in love with you when you know that you are going to walk away so easily.

Because that’s what makes me angry.

We had a great time together but all the laughter and the happiness that were conceived in those moments have disappeared and they’re not coming back. I’m left with bitterness, frustration, confusion and most of all, anger.

It’s not the first time that I’ve been let down and I’m sure it won’t be the last but this also makes me angry. If this has happened to me before, why did I let it happen again? Why did I let my guard down for someone who wasn’t worthy? Why did I alter and negotiate part of my life in order to have them in it? Especially when it was all for nothing.

Pure anger. Anger at them. Anger at me. Anger at the situation.

What a waste of energy. I want to scream. I want to write a really shitty text message. I want to punch them in the face. I want them to be sorry. I want them to apologise. I want a hug. I want them back. I want to feel happy again. Not angry.

But the only thing I can do is to breathe. Cry. Distract. Process.

and to not remember things incorrectly. To not analyse the situation. To not dwell on words said and words unsaid.

Because the anger will pass and I will be okay. I will be great. I will cry with happiness instead of anger and I will scream with excitement and not frustration.

Just taking each day as it comes because knowing that I want to feel better means that I steps ahead of where I think I am.

and breathe…

 

 

Because going into an environment where people are absolutely smashed is a great idea for a sober person…

I wonder if anyone really understands how hard it is to be in an environment where drugs and alcohol are being consumed and to not use either. 

It’s not necessarily hard because I want to do those things but it is emotionally and mentally draining. The triggers and constant reminders of what has happened, who you were, who you could be and so much more.

People may look at me like I am boring but I am fucking strong. I’m not sorry for swearing.

I didn’t drink any alcohol, I didn’t touch a drug and I didn’t even smoke a cigarette. The closest to drunk I got was the red wine that was spilt down my jeans by my drunk friend.

On reflection of my choice to go a festival yesterday, why on earth would I go into an environment where everyone is doing the extreme of something I don’t want to do. Am I crazy or am I crazy?

People weren’t drinking to have a nice time. People were drinking to get smashed. They were absolutely lamp-shaded! Everyone. Everywhere. Am I crazy? 

It’s like if you were trying to give up smoking, you wouldn’t go and stand with someone smoking. But it’s as if I went and spent my whole day in a packed smoking area with people chain-smoking.

KELLY, ARE YOU CRAY? GIRL, YOU CRAY! 

Since last night, I have felt in despair. Desperate. Frustrated. Angry. Why have I been dealt this card? When I submerge myself into environments where there is excessive drugs and alcohol, I always face this question. I act as if not drinking or taking drugs is a punishment. Like I am holding myself back.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.

By not drinking I am giving myself a chance at the best life possible. I am freeing myself of things that have a negative affect on myself. I wouldn’t feel bad for giving up cake so why do I feel bad for giving up alcohol? It’s ridiculous. I am not being punished, I am rewarding myself with life.

At the same time, I am so proud of my determinism for a better life. I am proud of the determinism to not take drugs and drink alcohol and I am proud of the control I have over myself despite the constant voices in my head arguing and telling me what I should be doing.

It makes me sad because the only reason I think I should be doing those things is because society has taught me that’s what people do and it is the norm.

The decision to stop drinking was the best one I’ve made and I don’t regret it. I don’t miss it. I don’t think about when I’m going to have my next drink. However, I feel like I am really having to question a lot about my life right now. 

So many questions are flying through my head… Like am I going to find a potential life partner who isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time? Will I ever make good friends who aren’t going to get drunk all the time? Are the people in my life right now honestly supporting my decision or are they making it harder? Am I always going to be socialised into a heavy drinking environment? Do I need to be putting up with this shit?

Yesterday’s antics stressed me out so much that I dreamt about drinking alcohol. Ridiculous.

At the end of the day, people have their own lives and their own choices. But I stand by mine. I am proud. So goddamn proud that I am sober. I really love life and I don’t want to die with any regret. So watch this space.

I am sober and I am far from boring.

 

A day in the life of a stressed student with an essay due…

This is basically my life today.

 The struggles to get up.

Then run to the toilet because you’ve been holding in your wee all night.

Brush ya teeth because you got coffee breath from the day before.

Force yourself to eat. You’ll thank yourself later.

Make lots of coffee.

AND IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!

Shower. You smell gross.

Now… prepare for this awful essay writing day.

Plan your essay over and over.

Start writing your essay.

Then day dream about the days when you had nothing to do and you took it for granted.

Then attempt more work but get angry and lose yo’ shit.

Take a deep breath and start again.

But instead of starting again, you procrastinate.

Coffee would be a great idea!

Buzzing and ready to work.

Then realising you’ve been writing utter shit and you have to redo parts of your work.

Then decide whether to scream or cry.

Decide to do both and resort to toddler mode.

Feel sorry for yourself. Cry.

Maybe you’re hungry? eat lots of sugary goodness.

And drink MORE coffee.

…so much coffee that you question whether your cat could write a better essay than you.

Shake it off and ignore the caffeine overdose.

Lets do this bitches.

Finally, you got this.

Celebrate on your own.

Put some music on and really celebrate. Shake it.

Call your friends and celebrate together.

d

Get excited and ready to party because you have succeeded.

But actually you just crash out on your bed and prepare yourself to start again tomorrow.

CAN’T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!