One pair of eyes but two perceptions…

Today I did my make up the same, wore the same clothes, my hair is the same as yesterday but something was different.

I didn’t look as good as I wanted too.

There’s no explanation for it as everything is the same except my own thoughts.

I had quite a lot negative self talk going on last night. Probably because I was exhausted and hungry. But is it possible for our mind to really affect our perception in that way?

I think this is proof of why we should challenge those negative thoughts and that inner mean girl because today, I don’t feel as good as yesterday and there’s no valid reason for it.

My physical appearance is the same and I’m still as hot as yesterday.

So, fuck you brain. I’m not playing your mind games. I’m fucking fabulous despite your mean little comments and besides, it’s not all about looks (that’s a fuck you to society 🖕🏼).

Have a great day you beautiful people 💕

My New Years resolution is to be dating app free and here’s why…

For the last year or so, I’ve been on and off dating apps. Tinder, bumble, happen. I’ve tried them all.

I’d go through phases of full on dating to swiping on the toilet out of boredom.

So, my New Years resolution for 2019 is: NO DATING APPS.

Here’s why…

Whilst I have been single for a while now, I don’t feel like I’ve really been single. I’ve been “looking”. And we all know that when we look for love, we rarely find it. Or if we do, it might not be the love we are looking for.

So firstly, I want to be single the right way. The real way.

Secondly, I don’t like all this online dating malarkey. Don’t get me wrong, it’s quick and easy but it’s dehumanising. Judging people on their bio. If you think about it, people are selling their best selves. What about the other sides to people? Would you swipe right on a guy who said “has struggled with mental health but is coming through the other side”. No because that’s not what you want in your “dream man”. Most people want the perfect finished product. And this itself is sad.

It’s also not realistic to judge someone by how they sell themselves. On this note, no one is every going to honestly say who they are on a dating app. They’re more likely going to say what they think you want to hear.

Also, on the topic of judging, I am yet to meet a guy who looks just like his tinder pictures. I think it’s safe to say that guys typically like to pose with an animal and/or a baby to show their emotional side, their friends to show they have some and a traveling/festival picture to show they leave the house. Similar to girls who use endless snapchat filters. Come on girls, post the bed head photos. That’s the real you. WE WANNA SEE THE REAL YOU’S!

My fourth point, communicating via dating apps is not how most people communicate in real life. Ever met up with a tinder date and it’s been super awkward? No conversation flow? Yet on message it was great. The internet gives us time to think about our reply, to be smart and flirty. Real life allows us to be ourselves! Also… I really doubt a guy would come up to me in real life asking me for nudes.

Lastly, I have been using these apps for a little bit of attention. Sad but true. When all my friends have boyfriends or are going on dates and I want to remind myself I’ve still got it, I’ll download a dating app. The compliments or even a simple match is a confidence boost. But hell, it’s a short term confidence boost and I’d rather just get back to loving myself for real with NO distractions.

I’m totally not slating these apps. They’re great for some people. Especially people who have little time to socialise or just struggle with it. But they’re just not for me.

So, for now, goodbye online dating. Swiping left now.

The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

For god’s sake girl, let go of the guilt.

I have a really big issue with who I was and who I am now. Besides going through a lot myself, I constantly feel guilty for people who knew me before I was sober.

I remember times that I’d be drunk and gobbing off to people. I didn’t care what I said or what I did to others whilst I was drunk.

Even before my drinking became bad and I was an emotional, angry teenager who couldn’t deal with anything.

I feel awful for the people who stuck by me throughout everything because sometimes, I could be really nasty and selfish.

Because of this, I feel like I owe people something. I’m not sure what it is I owe them but sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with guilt.

I’ve tried to reconnect with people through social media. Sometimes it works and sometimes, it doesn’t.

I’ll sit for ages thinking about what people would say about me. If someone was to describe me, what would they really say?

It’s so silly because I don’t care for the negative opinions of others now but if they have some connection to my past, I feel like I have something to apologise for and something to prove.

It normally ends up in feeling really shit about myself and I become weak, almost wanting to beg for forgiveness.

And the reality is, most of these people hurt me. I may have been an annoyance in their life or have caused them some pain but they also did the same to me. Yet, I still put all the blame on myself.

The truth is no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.

I’m not perfect, I never have been and I never will be.

Just know that everything I have been through, good or bad, has been a valuable lesson.

I don’t hold hate in my heart anymore. People can change.

I just need to find the strength in myself to let go of the past. The present is what’s important to build the best future for myself and by holding on to the past, I am just holding myself back and burdening myself with things that cannot be changed.

Give yourself a break girl, life’s too short.

 

 

 

 

Still learning that self-love

So far on this journey of airy fairy self-love…

I have deleted unhealthy social media pages. I went through facebook, snapchat, instagram and said goodbye to all the fitness pages, healthy eating pages, models, celebrities etc. I knew seeing all these “perfect” people were affecting my mood but it wasn’t until I deleted nearly 300 instagram pages that I truly understood how social media was affecting me in such a negative way.

I’ve also stopped putting pressure on myself. I love working out but to balance university, work and some sort of social life is hard enough without adding the gym into it. Whilst I enjoy going, by making myself go, it becomes a chore and it makes me miserable. I’ve decided that my happiness will not be defined by weight. When I go to the gym, I become addicted (story of my life) and I put pressure on myself to constantly look better. I am never satisfied. From discovering this, I’ve realised I really need to give myself a break. I need to become happy in my own body before working out. I want to work out because I enjoy it, not to increase my levels of happiness due to weight loss.

I’ve realised that what I want most in the world is to be in a healthy loving relationship with a bestfriend and have a happy and healthy family. Such simple life goals. But in order to achieve this, I really need to chill out. I need to let go of the past. There is a lot in my past that I have let go of but for some reason, I define myself and my abilities on the successes and failures of past relationships. Absolutely bloody ridiculous! I know! When I am lonely, I reflect on past relationships and blame myself as the reason I am alone. I know that I have standards and the reason I am single is because the men in my past were just not right for me. We were at different stages of our lives. We were together for the wrong reasons. We wanted different things. Yet, I still punish myself for the failures in my life. I really want to and need to evaluate this section of my thought process. Failed relationships doesn’t make me a failure, it just means I’m strong because I didn’t settle for less.

It frustrates me that I am aware of what I am doing to myself. I’m aware I am punishing myself for something so ridiculous. So, this has got to change. I need to let go of every single person I’ve dated. I’m sick of holding on to memories that will never be the same again. I truly believe that in order to achieve self-love, I’ve got to say goodbye for the last time. It makes me really sad that people can come into your life, change your life and then leave forever. I hold on, hoping that they’ll come back and change their mind or just want to be friends because we did have happy memories. But this is not realistic. It needs to end now. I honestly blame social media for making this so hard. There are always reminders of the past and it’s hard to truly move forwards but I reallllly need to do this for myself. I want to do this for myself. 

Come on Kels, you got this!

Thanks lovers x

My Journey to Self Love

I have been feeling really shitty recently and for every socially constructed flaw in my life, I blame myself.

I feel like I’m having a quarter life crisis. 

Society makes me feel shit for being single. I worry that I won’t find the right person. Then I worry I won’t have children. I worry because I’m moving to a new place next year and I won’t know anyone. Then I’m moving back and a lot of my friends will be gone. How am I going to find stability? When am I going to be content in my life. Are people not attracted to me because of my life choices? My sobriety? Because I’m a “mature student”. Or is it because I’m ugly. Because I’m unhappy with my weight.

Then, I start to criticise myself. You are single because you are fat, ugly, damaged. You don’t fit in to society. You’ll never belong. You’re not as clever as you thought you were. Why bother.

When I used to have these thoughts or experience these emotions, I could numb them with unhealthy coping mechanisms. Now, I can’t and I’ve realised that it’s time to start to really love myself.

In reality, I know that I am beautiful, I have a perfectly fine body, I am successful etc etc. But it doesn’t stop my mind telling me otherwise.

So, this is my mission. I am on a mission of self- love. In order to be happy, I need to learn to love myself. I need to give less of a shit to what others think of me.

In all honesty, I have no idea how I am going to do this but I’m sick of being my own worst enemy.

So here is where it starts. Kelly, I love you girl.

 

 

I miss you

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I lay and think about you. I think about all the laughter and the good times. I think about what could of been. I think about how much I miss you. Sometimes I battle with myself to send you a message. I convince myself that I miss you.

Today, I realised I don’t miss you. 

I miss the idea of who I thought you were. 

I lay and think about how amazing I thought you were. How I thought you were the start of something new. How similar we were in so many ways. How compatible we were.

I imagine your face, your laugh, your smile. The way I felt when I was with you. The way you smelt. The comfort I’d feel in your arms.

And I can’t. I can’t remember and I can’t imagine. My thoughts have twisted into a fabrication of reality. I don’t remember what you look like and I don’t remember how you smell.

Because actually, none of that is true. We weren’t compatible. We are not similar. I thought we were because of the outlook I have on life. I had my rose-tinted glasses on.

And then I realise, I miss the idea of you. and by ‘you’, I don’t mean you. I miss the idea of having someone to laugh with. Having someone to run to and tell my exciting news. Having someone to unwind with in front of the tv and relax with. Having someone to love who loves me back.

Sometimes, it can be so hard to distinguish between emotions and feelings. Feeling lonely does not mean I am alone. Feeling needy does not mean I am dependent on others. Feeling sad does not mean I will never be happy again.

All of those feelings and emotions are temporary.

I need to remember the truth and not the false memories my brain is trying to recreate. I have missed you, a lot. I wanted you to turn around and change your mind. and you didn’t. And that’s okay. Because actions speak louder than words and now I remember the truth about the situation. 

So, when I’m next in bed, missing ‘you’, I’m going to remind myself that whilst I’m missing ‘you’ for those 15 minutes in bed because I’m tired, the other 23 hours and 45 minutes in the day, I’m focused, fabulous and fearless.

 

Stop playing the victim.

This world is not perfect. There is so much hate, racism, sexism, discrimination and the list goes on.

But this world is also beautiful. There is so much love, compassion, determination and positivity.

It all depends on your outlook. I truly believe there are two types of people in this world.

The type of people who think the world owes them everything…

and the type of people who thinks the world owes them nothing…

You can be who you want to be. There will always be people telling you “no” or discriminating against you for whatever reason but it’s how you deal with it that tells you what type of person you are.

I am a massive advocate for “the world is your oyster”. Particularly for those from a first world country.

We have access to education, to travel, to change careers at any time of our lives. We have freedom to be gay, trans, gender fluid, atheist, religious, you name it.

So when I see people playing the victim, I get pretty frustrated. Not because it’s annoying but because you are the only person holding yourself back.

I look back through all the struggles I have been through and I could of easily opted for a life of drugs, alcohol and even suicide. I could of bummed off my parents and the government. I could of wallowed in self pity because of all the wrong-doings in my life.

But the difference is… I did the opposite of those things.

I fought all my battles and I lost many of them but I never gave up.

I was once told to settle for less. “You are not a princess, this is Gosport, stop expecting so much”. I could of just listened to that advice and been miserable, wallowing in my mistakes and holding on to all the shit people have done to me…

BUT I DIDN’T.

I left behind people who dragged me down and I quit negative actions that were ruining my life. 

I started to do things that I enjoyed and simply because I enjoyed them. I surrounded myself with people I liked for positive reasons because they were good and decent people. I sat and pondered on what I could do with my life and I made it happen. 

I changed what made me miserable.

I started looking at myself differently. I admired myself for removing all the negativity from my life. I admired myself for making decisions that were incredibly hard but positively life changing.

And from admiration of myself, I found confidence. I am more confident in my body. If I don’t like my body, I can change it. That’s not an issue because I am determined to be the happiest version of myself. However, I have learnt and I am still learning to love my body. It’s mine and it’s who I am.

I am more confident in my life choices. I know who I am as a person and any decision I make, good or bad, is mine and I can own that.

I am confident with my personality. This is me. For years, I have suffered verbal abuse and the worst thing I did was listen to it. The only opinion of myself that I value is my own.

I truly believe that, whilst lots of people love you and care for you, the only person who will only ever be there for you is yourself.

Society made me feel selfish for a long time for accepting compliments, for feeling good about myself and for loving myself.

But fuck it, I do.

I am not selfish and I am not stuck up. I appreciate this life and I know my self-worth.

So when I feel sorry for myself and I know that playing the victim is a realllllly easy option, I say no. I could resort back to the past and make all the abuse I suffered who I am but that will only ever make me miserable.

Stop playing the victim.

I am not discrediting any victim of abuse or ‘ism’ but it is how to react to the negativity that creates your next move. It is how you think of yourself that predicts your reaction.

Love who you are. Own it. Shrug off all the negative comments. Let go of all your mistakes and hold your middle finger high to all those who hurt you in the past.

You are in control of your own life.

and in the words of Kesha… “I’m proud of who I am!”

 

The truth about a ‘great body’…

NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON THE KARDASHIAN/JENNER CLAN. I LOVE THEM ALL, HUGE FAN. THEY WERE JUST THE FIRST EXAMPLES I THOUGHT OF AND THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLES TO USE AS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE IN THE MEDIA.

Want a Kardashian bikini body? Go get famous and super rich then.

So many people, including myself, scroll through Instagram daily and watch the workouts of celebrities and admire their bodies but come on guys, it’s not reality.

Since being back from university, I have been to the gym at least 5 times a week and I always work hard but I’m still not ab fab. I still don’t have a Kim K booty.

Paying for my gym membership every month isn’t cheap especially for a student. I was so tempted to get a personal trainer but I can’t afford it. However, these celebrities can.

All these celebs on social media and in the magazines can afford people to clean their houses, people to look after their kids, people to shop for them, people to cook for them. They can afford the healthiest food, the best products, a personal trainer, plastic surgery and best of all, THEY HAVE TIME.

That is reality.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to look “insta-ready” in everyday life BUT… most people do not have the time to work out several times a day. It can be really hard to find a job these days and even with a job, it can be hard to pay off your bills so our lives can be consumed with going to work.

Don’t forget the parents who are rushed off their feet with their children or the students who seem to study 24/7.

Even with time off, people don’t tend to want to go to the gym. They might want to relax with a glass of wine or go out for a meal.

THIS IS REALITY.

What made me pretty mad today was when I saw this:

Say hello to Kendall Jenner. She has a great body. In fact, I bet her fat percentage is ridiculously low but look at her caption. Pizza? It really irritates me when celebrities get interviewed and they say they eat rubbish or when they post eating takeaways or fatty foods. It’s not reality.

Wouldn’t it be great if celebrities actually posted the struggles of their day to day lives? Like hiding from the paparazzi, the pressure to look good, the exhaustion from many intense workouts, being bored of eating healthy, the mental pressures of their role model lifestyle…

but they don’t. So please do not believe what you see.

Finally, do you ever wonder why Kylie Jenner and many other celebs pose in such weird ways? It makes them look good. If we all stood like we do at a family gathering photo and did our natural smile, we would look different to our crazy posed selfies. Furthermore, what about the lighting? These pictures are examples of lighting and posing. Sometimes, when I stand up and take a picture, I feel slim and toned. When I sit down, I feel fat.

I know I am not “body goals” but this is just to show you the truth.

 

From the front, tensing my abs and the right lighting, I look like I have a toned stomach. Relaxed and not as good lighting, I look like I have no definition at all. Also, wearing my leggings higher hides my love handles and makes me look slimmer. If I sit down and sit straight, I look slimmer than if I sit down properly.

I know my pictures aren’t the best examples but that is me. I love working out and I eat pretty healthily. Still not Kendall level but maybe above is more of an honest expectation of working out than what we see these celebs post on Instagram!

If you get anything from this post, I hope it’s the fact that you can look as great as you want but do not give yourself unrealistic goals because most of it is filters, good lighting, good poses and an extremely healthy lifestyle.

You don’t have to be a Kardashian to be body goals, insta-ready or goddamn beautiful!!!