Personal growth and acceptance in Sobriety

Being back in Brighton in a place is tough. It’s where I had the worst drinking habit in my life and where I stopped drinking. It’s also where I came to better myself academically and where I have bettered myself personally.

My dissertation topic is centred around addiction which fascinates me but also causes me pain when I hear or read things that resonate with my own experiences.

Today, I have been trying to reflect on all the things I have achieved but more what I have overcome. And I am so proud of my personal growth despite what has been thrown at me and what I have thrown at myself.

I’m not here to write about abuse or bullying or what has happened to me that wasn’t my fault. No pity party.
What I want to say is growing as an individual and changing your negative habits and relearning positive thinking is what I’m really fucking proud of.
AND IT IS ACHIEVABLE.

As many people know, I was a bit of a loose cannon as a teenager and even blowing over into my early 20s. I struggled with self identity, self esteem, self love and anything positive to do with myself. The only way I truly knew to deal with this was to ignore how I actually felt and either pretend to feel a certain way with a cocky, loud, no-fucks-given persona or to feel this persona but by using coping strategies which were incredibly unhealthy for my physical and mental health.

This is not normal and the sad thing is, too many people experience struggles with mental health through their biology or environment and most of what damages their mental health is not their fault.

Yet, there is still stigma surrounding mental health and there is still grudges held against people who make mistakes in their life.

The Kelly I am today was in that girl before but she was so squashed down and ignored due to unhealthy coping mechanisms and this persona I’d created and was battling with.

By creating this persona and unhealthy coping mechanisms, I created relationships and friendships with people I didn’t actually like and I partook in activities I actually had no interest in but I thought that was who I was.

I truly thought I was that girl. The girl in the left side of the attached photo. The girl who got drunk all the time and made bad choices every weekend. The girl who felt bad for the next five days and self medicated by getting drunk again. The girl who thought this was NORMAL.

But the girl I actually was, she wasn’t any of those things. She was smart and quirky. She was really loving and caring. But most of all, she wasn’t that confident and she didn’t know how to process her life experiences. She’d created this persona so the decent people and love she needed in her life was unable to access her.

I was squashed down inside that girl for years. Struggling mentally and battling everyday with who I was as a person and also, what I had experienced.

The biggest and best thing I have ever done was to decide enough was enough and to stop drinking alcohol.

It has encouraged me to be the best version of myself and also forced me to face unwanted feelings that I had ignored for a long time.

I am now able to properly recognise my emotions and moreover, I can cope with them healthily. I don’t need to numb my feelings or put on a front.
I have opened doors to the good people in my life that I had shut out for so long. I am able to go to them when I am struggling and be honest and they give me the love and support I have always needed because I let them.

Even better, I am able to apologise. I am able to truly take ownership in my flaws as a person and fix them. I can own all of the wrong doings in my life and apologise. I sometimes feel sorry for myself for what I’ve experienced but unfortunately, no amount of trauma can excuse negative behaviours especially when they hurt those around you. So now, I am able to have healthy relationships with others. I am able to be that friend to others like they were to me. I can be a good daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend etc.

And the best thing about feeling and dealing with real emotions and real relationships is that I can finally breathe.
I am free. I never gave up anything. I freed myself from negativity around me in my environment, in others and in my own mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. I still get belts of anxiety where I feel completely overwhelmed and triggered. I still feel guilt and shame sometimes. I still remember unwanted memories and triggers.

BUT I have built this little world around me where I love who I am and I will continue to fight to love myself, where I have amazing friends and family and I will not tolerate anyone in my life who brings any form of negativity and where I am able to be the best version of myself, not only for me but those around me because love is a two way street and having positive influences and bonds with others in life brings more stability, self-assurance and self-love than you can imagine.

The girl I am now is on the right side of the attached photo (with a mocktail) and that right there is pure happiness.

And 957 days sober. Boom.

The Lanson bottle of Champaign I never drank.

So, for the last day of 2018, I decided to clear through everything in my bedroom at my dads house. It is full of some really nostalgic stuff but also, lots of junk.

On top of my desk, was this…

An unopened bottle of Lanson champagne I received for my 21st birthday. I’m now 25…

I remember I was saving it for a special occasion but there was never a special enough occasion to open it. I don’t mean that nothing great ever happened, I mean nothing was worthy of getting myself black out drunk, aggressive and emotional and self destructive over.

Looking back, I never really drank to celebrate. I never drank a lot at weddings or real celebrations. It was like I wanted to actually savour those moments. Like I subconscious knew that if I got drunk, I’d ruin the memory.

I drank at a parties and gatherings and got completely wasted. I became a party girl who was hilarious and sassy. I had a reputation to uphold. Why was I so uncomfortable just being myself sober?

I thought I had a reputation to uphold. Little did I know, that I didn’t look hot or sassy or funny but I looked sad, desperate and a complete and utter mess.

Anyway, I’m sat here staring at this Lanson bottle of champagne and I’m not sad. I never got to enjoy this and I wouldn’t of anyway. I would of drank it fast and classless to get wasted.

I find it all quite funny. The irony in saving something for a time that would never come.

So, instead, I am going to take it to a friends house tonight where they are having a NYE gathering. I’m going to pass it on with only good wishes and hope that they can drink and enjoy this bottle of Lanson’s champagne in a way I never could whilst I’m sipping on my pineapple juice and lemonade 💁🏻‍♀️

The truth about a self-harmer…

If you know a self harmer, know that even if they have not harmed themselves in days, weeks, months or years, they think about it every single day especially on days filled with emotion.

I don’t remember why I started self-harming but for some reason, I saw it as an option. I was too young to drink and to take drugs and for some reason, talking about and facing up to emotions was not an option in my mind.

I was 11 years old when I first self-harmed. Absolutely terrifying. I am now 25 years old and the thought of a cousin, niece, nephew or even a child of my own doing that at 11 years old is heart breaking. I’m sorry mum.

The last time I self-harmed for a long period of time was about 5 years ago. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I really didn’t care if I lived or died.

People think self-harm is a really bad thing but I don’t. It is a coping mechanism. A really short term fix with negative long term results but it helped me cope. I enjoyed it. I looked forward to doing it. I would be able to breathe after. I would be myself again after. It was nice.

Reading this, I bet you are thinking I’m crazy. I used to think I was.

I had a slip up when my drinking got out of hand and it was like I was drinking excessively to self-harm because being drunk was my excuse and I was more confident about doing it. I would never talk myself out of it if I was drunk.

The last time I self-harmed was the last time I drank. I think thats pretty significant.

However, there is something so dark and comforting about the thought of it. I don’t know if it’s the physical pain or seeing blood or something else…

But the worst thing about being a self-harmer is not actually self-harming, it’s the feeling of missing it.

Some days, the thought will come and it will pass.

Some days, I will be fighting the thought off for hours.

Some days, I want to do it.

And I hate that I want to do it but I also like it.

And I hate that I like it.

The reality of having a negative coping mechanism for so long and becoming attached to it in a way that you miss it is shit.

Trying to explain this to someone who has no idea around self-harm is excruciatingly painful and frustrating. I don’t expect everyone to understand but don’t judge a self-harmer.

They don’t judge you every time you pick up a cigarette or a drink because you’re stressed.

Don’t ever look at someone’s scars or listen to their story and think they’re weak.

A self-harmer in recovery is an incredibly strong person. Far from weak.

They are still here and still fighting daily battles.

They’ve developed healthier ways to deal and cope with emotions.

They’ve seen the darkness and they’re familiar with it but they’re still looking towards the light.

Also, know that like with everything, you will always have attention seekers.

I feel self-harmers are given this label too often and it’s completely false. Someone who self-harms to release emotions or to feel something or for whatever reason, will hide their harm. They will not flaunt it.

It’s not a trophy. It’s personal and most of the time, after the harming, it feels shameful so self-harmers tend to cover up.

People who walk round showing their cuts and talking about it like they’ve just made a cup of tea are attention seeking. For whatever reason, they want attention. You can take this as annoying or a cry for help or something they’re seeking as they’re missing it from other parts of their life.

But for those individuals who harm themselves because they can’t cope with their emotions, just hug them. Ask them how they are. And then ask them how they really are. These people are good at hiding how they really feel.

My Sober Nightmare

I have been sober for 1 year, 6 months and 21 days (and counting) and every so often, I have this really horrible nightmare surrounding my sobriety.

There have been many variations of this nightmare but every time I have it, I am so grateful to wake up. I have jaw ache from grinding my teeth in my sleep and I am drenched in sweat. But I am still so grateful to be awake and to know that it was all a dream.

Last night, I had a sober nightmare. 

I had gone out to a bar and I was sober me. I was saying no to alcohol and and having a nice time.

Suddenly, it’s hours later and I am not right. I’m highly emotional and reckless and I feel completely out of control. I am suddenly with people who aren’t my friends and I am in risky situations that I would never be in sober. This part of the dream involves a lot of frustration, anger and crying. I feel like I am losing my mind and no one seems to care and I’m not sure what to do. It’s horrible.

My dream jumps again to the morning after where I wake up very confused and unsure of what happened. I’m not sure if I’m hungover or tired and I don’t want to ask anyone what I was like last night as I fear a particular answer.

It ends up with one person telling me I didn’t drink and another person telling me I was really drunk and I don’t know the truth because I can’t remember anything.

The sad thing is this isn’t just a nightmare. It was my past. I would go out with good intentions, suddenly be really drunk and out of control and then it would be the next morning and I wouldn’t be able to remember anything.

Then, I’d be left full of remorse and disappointment.

I guess these dreams are just a reminder of what my life is not like now and maybe it is a way of testing myself.

Either way, these dreams feel far more painful than my past because before, I was in denial.

But now, I have accepted my mistakes and my flaws and have done everything I can to change them for the better and let go of the past.

So, I guess my real nightmare would be to lose my sobriety and I will make sure with everything I have got, that won’t happen.

I’ve forgotten.

After writing a blog post yesterday for the first time in ages, I decided to read through my old blog posts and wow.

I’ve realised that I really have forgotten what it feels like to be intoxicated.

I can’t remember the feeling of tipsiness after a couple of drinks. I can’t remember the physical sensation. It’s so strange. I also can’t remember what a hangover feels like. I mean I guess this is a blessing.

All I remember is my behaviour and how I felt mentally but even then, after reading my old blog posts, it broke my heart to read “I honestly believe if I do not stop drinking that I will cause serious harm to myself and/or to others… I honestly think I will end up dead.”

I remember feeling like this. I felt like this for years. Constantly suffering with the darkest thoughts and harming myself in various ways including substances.

I never ever thought that becoming sober would change as much as it has. Hand on my heart, I can honestly say I am happy. I am in control of who I am and I love my life.

I have only been sober for 1 year 5 months and I can’t believe how different everything is now. Every aspect of my life has changed for the better.

When I talk about my past and my behaviours, the people who never knew that Kelly find it hard to believe that I am talking about myself. I also find it hard to believe that I am talking about myself.

I love reflecting and I think it is super important to stay humble. Sobriety is the best choice I ever made.

 

 

I went to the worst place on earth… School.

Today my foster sister went to her school prom and she looked beautiful. She goes to the school that I went to at her age. I wanted to feel happy and enjoy the moment but instead, I felt insecure, anxious and sad. 

We went to a place called Foster Gardens where everyone has their pictures taken. It’s a lovely opportunity for people to meet up with their friends and take group pictures with a pretty background. Perfect for instagram.

However, I noticed so many people alone not having people to take pictures with and it broke my heart.

It reminded me of being at school and feeling isolated. Constantly battling to stay afloat whilst feeling like you’re drowning.

Everyone’s experience at school is different but I really hated school. Don’t get me wrong, I loved learning but I hated the social aspect of school.

I was a bubbly, sociable person but I was also insecure and suffering with my mental health. I hated injustice and couldn’t stand bullys which also got me into trouble.

I know I had friends at school and I know there were good times but it is so hard to remember them. Most of my happy memories are crushed by people letting me down or simply worse experiences.

School was the time that I started self-harming and drinking. I constantly felt out of control and I constantly felt like I had to prove myself to people.

When I went to watch the prom tonight, I remembered every single person who bullied me, every time I cried, every time I walked out of school because I couldn’t cope. I remembered all the rumours which were so silly but caused so much drama, all the people who said they were my friend and were not. I remembered the pressure of looking a specific way and I remember the people who got bullied because they didn’t fit the criteria. I remembered it all.

I really hope that the good and decent people never listened to those rumours. I hope that when I was really suffering mentally, people felt sad for me instead of believing that I was an attention seeker. I really hope that any one I ever upset or hurt, they can forgive me because I really am sorry.

And if we went to school together and you see me on the street, at a party, on facebook, then please say hello. And if for some reason I hurt your feelings, definitely say hello. Lets start again!

 

My Journey to Self Love

I have been feeling really shitty recently and for every socially constructed flaw in my life, I blame myself.

I feel like I’m having a quarter life crisis. 

Society makes me feel shit for being single. I worry that I won’t find the right person. Then I worry I won’t have children. I worry because I’m moving to a new place next year and I won’t know anyone. Then I’m moving back and a lot of my friends will be gone. How am I going to find stability? When am I going to be content in my life. Are people not attracted to me because of my life choices? My sobriety? Because I’m a “mature student”. Or is it because I’m ugly. Because I’m unhappy with my weight.

Then, I start to criticise myself. You are single because you are fat, ugly, damaged. You don’t fit in to society. You’ll never belong. You’re not as clever as you thought you were. Why bother.

When I used to have these thoughts or experience these emotions, I could numb them with unhealthy coping mechanisms. Now, I can’t and I’ve realised that it’s time to start to really love myself.

In reality, I know that I am beautiful, I have a perfectly fine body, I am successful etc etc. But it doesn’t stop my mind telling me otherwise.

So, this is my mission. I am on a mission of self- love. In order to be happy, I need to learn to love myself. I need to give less of a shit to what others think of me.

In all honesty, I have no idea how I am going to do this but I’m sick of being my own worst enemy.

So here is where it starts. Kelly, I love you girl.

 

 

My last alcoholic drink

*TRIGGER WARNING*

A year ago today tonight was the last time I drank alcohol.

I went into it with the intention of having fun and I was determined and positive that I could and would control myself under the influence of alcohol.

I was drinking Rosé wine with my boyfriend and I facetimed my mum at around 9pm all happy and giggly.

We then went to my house and played beer pong. I was still laughing by this point. We were ready to go to bed and by this time, I didn’t know what time it was. I went upstairs to the toilet and my boyfriend had just gotten into bed. My best friend called me whilst I was on the toilet and in all honesty that is the last thing I clearly remember.

The night suddenly turned into my worst nightmare and I feel I need to share it. People don’t understand why I don’t drink and I don’t need to justify my reasons why. However, when I tell people that I go crazy, they say “so does everyone” or “everyone has a night like that”, I want you to know that if you only ever have one awful night of drinking, that is a good enough reason for you to want to stop drinking. Don’t feel pressured by society to carry on because English culture is one of the biggest binge drinking cultures in the world.

Anyway, my memory is very vague by this point.

Just remember, I went upstairs happy. Giggly. Ready to come back and cuddle my boyfriend in bed.

I came downstairs and collapsed on the floor, crying and hyperventilating. I then proceeded to scream and hold my head. Mumbling about events I had repressed and also events I thought I had mentally dealt with. I don’t know what triggered this behaviour and that is what is so frightening.

I then became determined again but my determination had changed. It had gone from being determined to have a good night to now, being determined to harm myself.

I pretended to get a drink in the kitchen and took a knife to the bathroom where my boyfriend kicked the door in. I did this repeatedly with other sharp objects. I smashed glass cups, glass bottles and in the end, I smashed my wall mirror.

The strange thing about this is that I didn’t use my fist. I wanted to hurt myself but instead of punching the mirror, I grabbed my can of deodorant and repeatedly smashed the mirror. I then grabbed pieces of the broken glass, ran away and cut my arm.

Whilst this was going on, my boyfriend was trying to catch me, restrain me and calm me down but I only saw red. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I just needed to get what I wanted and in that moment in time, it was to hurt myself.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my boyfriend’s bed with a sore head. I sat bolt up right with the realisation of what had happened. I looked at my arm which my boyfriend had bandaged up and I felt so empty. I hadn’t been this out of control in 4 years. My boyfriend was fast asleep and I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look at myself.

The feeling I felt whilst out of control drunk was a strangely comfortable feeling but it had to stop. It was dangerous. Every time I reached that level of drunk, I took it to the next step. I’ve never smashed a mirror before to hurt myself. I’d also never hurt myself to that extent before. What if next time I was so drunk that I ended my life. I didn’t want to die. I was just hurting.

The feeling I felt when I woke up that morning is one I will never forget and sometimes it haunts me. It’s not because I felt bad about what I did to myself. It’s because of what I put my boyfriend through. The responsibility of looking after me. Trying to control someone who was uncontrollable. Watching them self-destruct and being so determined to harm their body. I then remembered everyone else who had ever suffered in that position. My mum, my best friends, even people who weren’t that close with me but felt obliged to fix me at that moment in time.

I felt disgusted. The person who I became when I was drunk was so detached from who I was sober.

Sober, I would put 100% into my work and my studies. I would go to the gym. I would enjoy spending time with family and friends. I had goals, ambitions, dreams and I was determined to have an amazing life.

But as soon as alcohol entered my system, I was gone and this monster who hated herself came out. She would remind herself of ever traumatic experience she’d been through and make her relive the pain. She was self-destructive and dangerous. But most of all, she didn’t know or remember what exactly she was doing. It was like she had gone into auto-pilot.

Saying that my body and mind had gone into auto-pilot is not an excuse for my behaviour but it is exactly how I felt. My body would continue to act and behave in certain ways and I would have certain thoughts but I would lose my eyesight, my memory and my self-control.

This night was the last night I drank alcohol and I made the biggest and best decision of my life to stop drinking.

I wasn’t giving up something, I was freeing myself and allowing myself to be the best version of who I am.

It is important for me to write this, not only for other people to understand or to relate to and know it is okay to have a problem with substances but it is important to write this for myself.

It is really horrible to remember what I was like and what I did when I was drinking but it is so important. Reflection is incredibly important and it keeps me striving forwards with my sobriety and pushes me forwards to be the person I am and who I want to be.

Lastly, this is an apology. To anyone I hurt physically or mentally whilst I was under the influence of alcohol. You might remember horrible words I said or disgusting behaviour and the worst thing is, I probably don’t remember. So please, forgive me for who I was before I stopped drinking. I was suffering with my mental health and with substance misuse. There is no excuse for anything I ever did but know that I am truly sorry and I am not the person I once was.

Nearly 1 year sober.

Peace out xx

Single female seeking single male:

*Check the small print

Looking for a male companion. There are only a few requirements;

Hmm where to start.

Be an adult. I’m adult and at least try to have your shit together like I do.

A brain. Preferably a literate one… with knowledge. There’s no need to grammatical errors in the 21st century (checks for spelling mistakes…)

Humour. Please be funny and think I’m funny… because I am.

Preferably a lot of hair. I like to play with hair. That’s all.

Also, a beard please.

Nice teeth too. Whilst we’re on the topic of teeth, please brush them.

Cut your finger nails. There’s no excuses for this. Gross.

Be tall and and have more fat or muscle than me. I want you to carry me through the doorway on our wedding day, not the other way round.

Like emo music. Not just music because most people hate my music taste as it’s so varied but emo music. I like to reminisce my teen years and dress in black.

Don’t be a lad. No drugs and don’t go clubbing every weekend. I’m nearly 25. No time for that.

Have a job. An actual job. Not the same job as the 16 year old down the road.

Have ambition. I hate always planning for the future and dreaming for two people. Surprise me with a mid-year trip to Bora Bora!

Actually, be an action man! If you say you’re gonna do it, then do it. In every sense of the saying.

Have a car. I am not a taxi. But if you drive, be prepared for criticism and I will be your personal DJ.

Be good with money. I’m not a bank account… or your mum. No pocket money for you.

Enjoy cuddles. Lots of cuddles. In fact ignore everything else and just cuddle me.

Understand the basics of sexual intercourse. Forever being a teacher and it’s exhausting.

Have interesting hobbies. Sitting in the pub with a pint of Carlsberg every weekend watching the football is not a hobby.

Don’t have kids. I mean if they’re cute and your baby mumma isn’t a complete psycho then I may let this one slide. Otherwise, no.

Like reptiles and not fluffy animals. I’m allergic and it’s literally me or the dog.

Treat me like a lady. I may be a gob on legs and I may not know when to draw the line of banter but that does not mean that I do not want to be treated with respect.

Have friends. Preferably cool ones who I’ll actually like… and nice ones that I can set up with my friends.

Be a family guy. I love my family and you will be involved with them. I will happily be involved with yours too. However, if your family sucks, then its a no from me.

Don’t have emotional baggage. I may study psychology but I will not fix you. That being said…

Have emotions and for the love of god, show them. Acknowledging your emotions is way hotter than being a cold piece of wood.

Enjoy some kind of fitness so I can join in but don’t be a ‘roid head or a gym bunny. I cannot deal with someone who loves themselves more than they love me.

It would be nice if you had a degree or an academic interest. Not fussy or anything.

Whilst we’re at it, speak more than one language fluently. It’s hot.

Have family in other countries. I expect a lot of holidays.

Buy me presents. Not just on holidays but all the time, randomly, because I am a really special person.

Like all of my social media posts. Now, this one may be a little difficult because I feel I am a bit of a millennial but just do it. It’s the 21st century way of showing commitment.

Have pictures and cute statuses about me all over your social media pages. Show me off. I’m a fucking trophy.

Take me to parties. To show me off but also, so I can go shopping and buy new clothes to wear.

Be prepared for PMS. This means a lot of cuddles, chocolate and patience. It’ll be worth it in the end.

Basically just be really hot, have your shit together, be a nice decent human being and be prepared to be infatuated with your crazy ass girlfriend who will love you forever.

IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK?

*A joke post before anyone freaks out starts making sexist comments

**I am going to hell

***Forever single

The truth about a ‘great body’…

NOTE: THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK ON THE KARDASHIAN/JENNER CLAN. I LOVE THEM ALL, HUGE FAN. THEY WERE JUST THE FIRST EXAMPLES I THOUGHT OF AND THE MOST OBVIOUS EXAMPLES TO USE AS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE IN THE MEDIA.

Want a Kardashian bikini body? Go get famous and super rich then.

So many people, including myself, scroll through Instagram daily and watch the workouts of celebrities and admire their bodies but come on guys, it’s not reality.

Since being back from university, I have been to the gym at least 5 times a week and I always work hard but I’m still not ab fab. I still don’t have a Kim K booty.

Paying for my gym membership every month isn’t cheap especially for a student. I was so tempted to get a personal trainer but I can’t afford it. However, these celebrities can.

All these celebs on social media and in the magazines can afford people to clean their houses, people to look after their kids, people to shop for them, people to cook for them. They can afford the healthiest food, the best products, a personal trainer, plastic surgery and best of all, THEY HAVE TIME.

That is reality.

I’m not saying that it is impossible to look “insta-ready” in everyday life BUT… most people do not have the time to work out several times a day. It can be really hard to find a job these days and even with a job, it can be hard to pay off your bills so our lives can be consumed with going to work.

Don’t forget the parents who are rushed off their feet with their children or the students who seem to study 24/7.

Even with time off, people don’t tend to want to go to the gym. They might want to relax with a glass of wine or go out for a meal.

THIS IS REALITY.

What made me pretty mad today was when I saw this:

Say hello to Kendall Jenner. She has a great body. In fact, I bet her fat percentage is ridiculously low but look at her caption. Pizza? It really irritates me when celebrities get interviewed and they say they eat rubbish or when they post eating takeaways or fatty foods. It’s not reality.

Wouldn’t it be great if celebrities actually posted the struggles of their day to day lives? Like hiding from the paparazzi, the pressure to look good, the exhaustion from many intense workouts, being bored of eating healthy, the mental pressures of their role model lifestyle…

but they don’t. So please do not believe what you see.

Finally, do you ever wonder why Kylie Jenner and many other celebs pose in such weird ways? It makes them look good. If we all stood like we do at a family gathering photo and did our natural smile, we would look different to our crazy posed selfies. Furthermore, what about the lighting? These pictures are examples of lighting and posing. Sometimes, when I stand up and take a picture, I feel slim and toned. When I sit down, I feel fat.

I know I am not “body goals” but this is just to show you the truth.

 

From the front, tensing my abs and the right lighting, I look like I have a toned stomach. Relaxed and not as good lighting, I look like I have no definition at all. Also, wearing my leggings higher hides my love handles and makes me look slimmer. If I sit down and sit straight, I look slimmer than if I sit down properly.

I know my pictures aren’t the best examples but that is me. I love working out and I eat pretty healthily. Still not Kendall level but maybe above is more of an honest expectation of working out than what we see these celebs post on Instagram!

If you get anything from this post, I hope it’s the fact that you can look as great as you want but do not give yourself unrealistic goals because most of it is filters, good lighting, good poses and an extremely healthy lifestyle.

You don’t have to be a Kardashian to be body goals, insta-ready or goddamn beautiful!!!