This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, September 7th-13th
Have I ever been suicidal? Yes.
Am I dead? No.
Don’t be naive and brush suicide under the carpet and please read this blog post.
This is my story.
(the shortest version possible of a long story)
I am a 21 year old female from a small town in England and I have suffered with depression and anxiety for almost half of my life. I’m not ashamed and any one who criticises me for it is not important to me because depression is something I have, it isn’t who I am.
I really feel the best way to come to terms with any type of depression or mental health is to talk about it. Whether that means going to see a therapist, talking to a friend, going to help group, calling a helpline or even writing a blog.
I also believe honesty is the best policy. When you admit theres a problem, you are on the road to recovery without even knowing it.
When I was 14 years old, I had one of the toughest years of my life. I was confused about my sexuality and found myself in a relationship with a girl who honestly destroyed me. I introduced her to my friends and she took every single one from me. People that didn’t even know me, that had never met me, didn’t like me and teenagers don’t hold back especially when they can cyber bully. In school, I felt I had a good circle of friends. I wasn’t popular and I didn’t want to be, I just wanted to be me. I was confident and driven. She took that from me. I didn’t want to go to school anymore and when I finally did, I changed all of my classes. At break times, I had no one. I would cry all the time. At the same time, I had experienced a violent encounter with a family member which was damaging and I was also attacked in a park by a drug addict. As if things couldn’t get worse, right? It was horrible and I really hope that no one experiences what I did but I know that they probably will. I began self harming with anything I could find. I’d lost my get up and go. I didn’t care anymore. I felt trapped and I honestly felt that the only way to escape all this pain and suffering to was to end my life. I thought about it several times and I made plans. I’d run away too. I made pathetic suicide attempts and looking back, I think I really just wanted to be saved. I think a lot of severely depressed people feel that they just wish someone could save them. Although, they wouldn’t admit that, why would they? Surely that would make them an attention seeker? Something I was labeled as but I never was. I was just lost in my thoughts and I needed help. My parents didn’t know how to cope, no one did but luckily, I got counselling and it really did help. I began to make new friends and build myself back up and before I knew it, I was happy again. It took a long time but I made it back.
When I was 19, my step-dad walked out on my mum. He had cheated on her and gotten his mistress pregnant. My mum was always a strong person but this broke her. It broke me too. A lot of people didn’t understand how I felt. They didn’t realise that not only had he left my mum after 15 years but he had left me too. He was like a father to me. After he abandoned us, so did his family. I was angry and I thought I didn’t care. I felt like I had to be strong for my mum and as she was so distraught, I subconsciously refused to be distraught in front of her. This left so much damage. My mum was suicidal and she couldn’t cope. She couldn’t eat and she couldn’t work. If she couldn’t do that, how could she be a mother to be as well. I had a support network but I still felt more alone than ever. A few month later, I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. In my opinion, we just grew up and apart and I felt I wasn’t letting him live his life because he was so involved in helping me. I was sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. So not only had I lost my step-dad but also my boyfriend and this meant I lost somewhere to live. For a short while, I was homeless. My mum had lodgers in my old room so I couldn’t go home and I stayed on friends sofas for a while. I eventually ended up living at my nan and grandad’s.
Then, I found my self in a new relationship. it was destructive and I think I knew that but I was depressed and I think there was a part of me that still didn’t care. I ended up in this relationship for 10 months. Luke, my boyfriend, was a best friend before he was a boyfriend and I thought he would look after me. He did until his drug habit became more important. I began smoking because I didn’t care. Drugs surrounded me and I didn’t care. I drunk too much and I didn’t care. I just simply didn’t care. I would drink myself to the point of depression so self harming wouldn’t hurt anymore. I would regularly walk out of college classes to sit in the toilets and self harm. I was becoming obsessed. My life was a mess. I went to the doctors and told them I couldn’t cope and they prescribed anti-depressants. I felt like a zombie. Stupidly, the first brand they gave me can actually make young people more depressed and funnily enough, it did. At this point, I really didn’t care. I kind of began to like not caring. I would go into “Fuck It” mode. it was easier than caring. But my arm became too sore and the alcohol wasn’t cutting it anymore and I knew this wasn’t me and that I had gotten lost again. I contacted my doctors and got in touch with a company called ‘ITALK’ who literally saved my life. I was probably one of the worst patients because I wouldn’t always go to my sessions because FUCK IT mode would get in the way but I’m glad I stuck it out. When I went, I was completely broken. When I finished, I was nearly back to my good self. I was sick and tired of begging my boyfriend to stop doing drugs and to think about my mental state. I moved into a flat for 2 months which he used as a night club and would come round and trash it. He didn’t care. He would push his habits in front of me and surrounded us both with people who had no ambition and their only fun in life was drugs and alcohol. My boyfriend started to disgust me and with a lot of courage and strength, I left him and moved in with my dad. I stopped self harming and began finding myself again.
I was a lot stronger and I made new friends. It was now the summer time and I was out partying all the time. I also practically lived at the beach. I met a new guy called Martyn. I thought anyone could easily be better than my ex. Martyn drove and had a job and told me his ambitions. What I didn’t realise was that he had a really bad past with drug habits and he had lost his license from drink driving and that his ambitions were empty words. I still to this day believe that he is lost like me. He has everything to be something in this world yet he doesn’t take the chances he is handed. Martyn was also older and introduced me to a new life. This life was good for a few months until my depression creeped up on me and I had to tell him what I was going through. A decent person would of been supportive. Instead, I was labeled again as an attention seeker. Nice. I should of left him then but something made me stay, I thought he was naive and never had to witness depression so I gave him a chance. Long story short, he became heavily intro drugs and would continue to drink and drive. He was paranoid and jealous of anyone who spoke to me and accused me of cheating all the time. He would want my full attention and time but I never got it back. I would constantly stare at his back because his computer was far more interesting than asking how my day went. Again, I’d met someone who had gotten lost in the world of drugs and alcohol and like a whirl wind, I was swept up too. It’s crazy how drugs can make people lose touch with reality. I was no longer important. Martyn would disappear for a few nights and then would come back from his bender and accuse me of doing something wrong. I was giving him money and spending money I didn’t really have to try and fix our relationship. When we were alone, he would get upset and tell me how he doesn’t want that life too and how he wants a good life with me but again they were empty words. Sometimes people can’t come up to your level so they try and bring you down to theirs to make them feel better. I was constantly going into FUCK IT mode and I was self harming again. I knew I didn’t want this. I had just gotten a new job which I loved and I couldn’t live like this. I couldn’t have these people in my life. I would never get a career. Martyn, like Luke, didn’t care about me anymore. I would beg him to stop and to think about what he was doing to us and to me but instead he would leave me drunk and crying on my own. After months of finding the strength, I finally woke up one morning and I had had enough. I left Martyn for the last time and stayed back at my dads.
I was heart broken for a while especially after finding out Martyn had been cheating on me. I think I was more angry at myself for constantly putting myself in stupid positions. Even though I had left Martyn, I was craving something. I don’t know if it was personal contact or just general attention. It’s strange leaving a controlling, horrible relationship because I should of been happy but I wasn’t. This was when my drinking began to destroy me. I thought going out and partying like I did in the summer I left Luke would solve all my problems but it only made things worse. I began becoming stupid and aggressive. I would get drunk to tell men how much I hate them and FUCK IT mode really came into play. I would get into taxi’s with strangers to get home or I would wander home alone at 4 in the morning. I would steal peoples drinks and pre drink the most revolting things just to lose control of myself. I guess I had been out of control for such a long time, it was more comfortable to be that way. It got worse when I had no money and I began losing my memory of what happened the night before. My friends couldn’t control drunk Kelly and I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what. One of the last straws was losing my phone on a night out and ending up at an ex’s house. My parents thought I was dead. I may as well of been. I’m so disgusted for letting myself end up that way. After a lot of crying and headaches, I stopped drinking. I cut off a hell of a lot of people and I started writing a blog. Stopping the drink was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do a long with stopping self harm.
Self harm, drugs, alcohol and even wasting money, binge eating, wreckless behaviour is all a form of DSH (Deliberate self harm) and it’s not ok. I would use one of these as my coping strategies but they would only last 5 minutes until how I really felt popped back up. I had to learn new healthy ways to protect myself. I would write music, write blogs, draw pictures, listen to music, go to the gym, go for a drive, call a friend and 9 times out of 10, it worked better than a quick 5 minute fix.
Funnily enough, each time I feel deeper and darker into depression but each time there was some kind of spark that ignited in me reminding me that I have been here before. There has been several times in my life where I have felt that I couldn’t live any more and every time I have felt like that, I have stood up and fought to find myself again.
I feel for a 21 year old, I have been through a hell of alot. Several addictions, self harm, domestic abuse, homeless leading to deep depression and anxiety.
What I am trying to say is that every time something has happened, I have thought and done the worst and I have used stupid coping strategies. I have attempted suicide. Some people see it as cowardly but I understand what it’s like to be so deep and dark that you feel consumed by your thoughts and feelings and there is no way out.
Well there is. I promise. I managed to fight through all of my hard times. It wasn’t easy but I did and you can too.
I used therapists including hypnotherapists, counselling, CBT, prescribed drugs, blogging, help lines and more.
There is so much help out there, you just need to want it and sometimes, you need to show people that they want it too.
I know that my depression will come back to visit me. It will wave its big black claws at me reminding me it’s still there but each time, I have had more strength and courage and I feel stronger than ever.
Now, I have the most supportive boyfriend I could ask for. A great family life. Some of the best friends. I am back studying at college and I plan to go to Uni in a year. I regularly work out which helps me a lot! I still have my moments but now, I have a life worth living for.
Please feel free to message me with any questions you have or if you just need someone to talk too.