Today is the day that I become sober. 15/12/14
- I don’t know how long for
- I’m not saying I’ll never drink again
- Yes I am aware I’m 21
My name is Kelly-mae and I am 21 years old. I am a full time nursery practitioner as well as studying evening classes at college in Criminology and Psychology. I also teach a dance club for children which is more about building self esteem and friendships than having prima ballerinas and I go to the gym 3-5 times a week. I am a nominated carer for my 2 foster sisters and I want to go travelling next summer with my best friend and hopefully continue to travel as I love culture. I used to be in a band in which I wrote the songs as well as sung and we gigged every weekend and eventually won a local Battle Of The Bands. I have danced on stage in London when I was younger and I have always dreamt big.
This all becomes crushed and ruined when it turns friday and alcohol enters my system. I love to party and I thought I loved to drink but I’ve now realised that drinking alcohol became more of a coping mechanism than a way to relax and be social. I am a binge drinker. An unattractive, aggressive, emotional binge drinker and this is not okay. In fact, binge drinking is one of the worst forms of alcohol abuse. I drink over 10 times the recommended units and if I continue, I will not live much longer and if I do, it will be a very horrible life. It’s not just the amount I drink, its the risky behaviour that occurs; getting in taxis with sailors I don’t know, walking home alone in the dark at 3am, going to an ex boyfriends house because I’m emotional. It’s all ridiculous and dangerous and most of all unattractive. Anything could happen to me and each weekend I drink, my behaviour seems to appear more drastic and disgusting AND THIS IS NOT WHO I AM.
I have been through a lot of life changing experiences in my short 21 years and this has resulted in myself having Depression and Anxiety. Let me just say, I have these things like you have asthma or eczema. It’s treatable, it can go away and come back and just because its not always visible, it doesn’t mean its not real.
In result of many difficult and terrible things happening to me, I used and abused alcohol as an escape. It’s not the only thing I’ve done to escape reality but alcohol has been an underlying problem with me for years and only now, I have the strength, courage and support to admit my problem and do something about it.
It terrifies me to admit I have a problem. My dad has always been a drinker and I have always said I will never be like that and to admit that okay, alcohol may not be THE problem but it has become a problem is very difficult to say or hear from anyone, especially when you are 21 and everyone tells me “You’re young, go out and party, fuck it, thats what you do when you’re young”. Believe me I would love to be able to control myself but as soon as I have a couple drinks, it’s like a switch flicks and my memory goes as well as who I truly am.
Today, I had hypnotherapy. It was amazing but I will write about that later.
It has made me very sleepy!
Goodnight guys 🙂