My Sober Nightmare

I have been sober for 1 year, 6 months and 21 days (and counting) and every so often, I have this really horrible nightmare surrounding my sobriety.

There have been many variations of this nightmare but every time I have it, I am so grateful to wake up. I have jaw ache from grinding my teeth in my sleep and I am drenched in sweat. But I am still so grateful to be awake and to know that it was all a dream.

Last night, I had a sober nightmare. 

I had gone out to a bar and I was sober me. I was saying no to alcohol and and having a nice time.

Suddenly, it’s hours later and I am not right. I’m highly emotional and reckless and I feel completely out of control. I am suddenly with people who aren’t my friends and I am in risky situations that I would never be in sober. This part of the dream involves a lot of frustration, anger and crying. I feel like I am losing my mind and no one seems to care and I’m not sure what to do. It’s horrible.

My dream jumps again to the morning after where I wake up very confused and unsure of what happened. I’m not sure if I’m hungover or tired and I don’t want to ask anyone what I was like last night as I fear a particular answer.

It ends up with one person telling me I didn’t drink and another person telling me I was really drunk and I don’t know the truth because I can’t remember anything.

The sad thing is this isn’t just a nightmare. It was my past. I would go out with good intentions, suddenly be really drunk and out of control and then it would be the next morning and I wouldn’t be able to remember anything.

Then, I’d be left full of remorse and disappointment.

I guess these dreams are just a reminder of what my life is not like now and maybe it is a way of testing myself.

Either way, these dreams feel far more painful than my past because before, I was in denial.

But now, I have accepted my mistakes and my flaws and have done everything I can to change them for the better and let go of the past.

So, I guess my real nightmare would be to lose my sobriety and I will make sure with everything I have got, that won’t happen.