Being back in Brighton in a place is tough. It’s where I had the worst drinking habit in my life and where I stopped drinking. It’s also where I came to better myself academically and where I have bettered myself personally.
My dissertation topic is centred around addiction which fascinates me but also causes me pain when I hear or read things that resonate with my own experiences.
Today, I have been trying to reflect on all the things I have achieved but more what I have overcome. And I am so proud of my personal growth despite what has been thrown at me and what I have thrown at myself.
I’m not here to write about abuse or bullying or what has happened to me that wasn’t my fault. No pity party.
What I want to say is growing as an individual and changing your negative habits and relearning positive thinking is what I’m really fucking proud of.
AND IT IS ACHIEVABLE.
As many people know, I was a bit of a loose cannon as a teenager and even blowing over into my early 20s. I struggled with self identity, self esteem, self love and anything positive to do with myself. The only way I truly knew to deal with this was to ignore how I actually felt and either pretend to feel a certain way with a cocky, loud, no-fucks-given persona or to feel this persona but by using coping strategies which were incredibly unhealthy for my physical and mental health.
This is not normal and the sad thing is, too many people experience struggles with mental health through their biology or environment and most of what damages their mental health is not their fault.
Yet, there is still stigma surrounding mental health and there is still grudges held against people who make mistakes in their life.
The Kelly I am today was in that girl before but she was so squashed down and ignored due to unhealthy coping mechanisms and this persona I’d created and was battling with.
By creating this persona and unhealthy coping mechanisms, I created relationships and friendships with people I didn’t actually like and I partook in activities I actually had no interest in but I thought that was who I was.
I truly thought I was that girl. The girl in the left side of the attached photo. The girl who got drunk all the time and made bad choices every weekend. The girl who felt bad for the next five days and self medicated by getting drunk again. The girl who thought this was NORMAL.
But the girl I actually was, she wasn’t any of those things. She was smart and quirky. She was really loving and caring. But most of all, she wasn’t that confident and she didn’t know how to process her life experiences. She’d created this persona so the decent people and love she needed in her life was unable to access her.
I was squashed down inside that girl for years. Struggling mentally and battling everyday with who I was as a person and also, what I had experienced.
The biggest and best thing I have ever done was to decide enough was enough and to stop drinking alcohol.
It has encouraged me to be the best version of myself and also forced me to face unwanted feelings that I had ignored for a long time.
I am now able to properly recognise my emotions and moreover, I can cope with them healthily. I don’t need to numb my feelings or put on a front.
I have opened doors to the good people in my life that I had shut out for so long. I am able to go to them when I am struggling and be honest and they give me the love and support I have always needed because I let them.
Even better, I am able to apologise. I am able to truly take ownership in my flaws as a person and fix them. I can own all of the wrong doings in my life and apologise. I sometimes feel sorry for myself for what I’ve experienced but unfortunately, no amount of trauma can excuse negative behaviours especially when they hurt those around you. So now, I am able to have healthy relationships with others. I am able to be that friend to others like they were to me. I can be a good daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend etc.
And the best thing about feeling and dealing with real emotions and real relationships is that I can finally breathe.
I am free. I never gave up anything. I freed myself from negativity around me in my environment, in others and in my own mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. I still get belts of anxiety where I feel completely overwhelmed and triggered. I still feel guilt and shame sometimes. I still remember unwanted memories and triggers.
BUT I have built this little world around me where I love who I am and I will continue to fight to love myself, where I have amazing friends and family and I will not tolerate anyone in my life who brings any form of negativity and where I am able to be the best version of myself, not only for me but those around me because love is a two way street and having positive influences and bonds with others in life brings more stability, self-assurance and self-love than you can imagine.
The girl I am now is on the right side of the attached photo (with a mocktail) and that right there is pure happiness.
And 957 days sober. Boom.