Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I lay and think about you. I think about all the laughter and the good times. I think about what could of been. I think about how much I miss you. Sometimes I battle with myself to send you a message. I convince myself that I miss you.
Today, I realised I don’t miss you.
I miss the idea of who I thought you were.
I lay and think about how amazing I thought you were. How I thought you were the start of something new. How similar we were in so many ways. How compatible we were.
I imagine your face, your laugh, your smile. The way I felt when I was with you. The way you smelt. The comfort I’d feel in your arms.
And I can’t. I can’t remember and I can’t imagine. My thoughts have twisted into a fabrication of reality. I don’t remember what you look like and I don’t remember how you smell.
Because actually, none of that is true. We weren’t compatible. We are not similar. I thought we were because of the outlook I have on life. I had my rose-tinted glasses on.
And then I realise, I miss the idea of you. and by ‘you’, I don’t mean you. I miss the idea of having someone to laugh with. Having someone to run to and tell my exciting news. Having someone to unwind with in front of the tv and relax with. Having someone to love who loves me back.
Sometimes, it can be so hard to distinguish between emotions and feelings. Feeling lonely does not mean I am alone. Feeling needy does not mean I am dependent on others. Feeling sad does not mean I will never be happy again.
All of those feelings and emotions are temporary.
I need to remember the truth and not the false memories my brain is trying to recreate. I have missed you, a lot. I wanted you to turn around and change your mind. and you didn’t. And that’s okay. Because actions speak louder than words and now I remember the truth about the situation.
So, when I’m next in bed, missing ‘you’, I’m going to remind myself that whilst I’m missing ‘you’ for those 15 minutes in bed because I’m tired, the other 23 hours and 45 minutes in the day, I’m focused, fabulous and fearless.