I was such a different person a year ago.

This is not a negative post. It’s a positive one.

When reflecting on the past, it should always be positive because regardless of negative or positive memories, you’re still here.

This time last year, I was not really happy. I was really trying to find my feet at University as a “Mature student”. I was surrounded by toxic and fake friends. I was drinking excessively and spending too much money. It was the start of my spiral out of control.

Despite it being a crappy time, there were positive parts. I did have few friends who were decent and good people. I was in a new relationship which made me happy. I was enjoying the course content. I always had family and friends at home that loved me and cared for me. And it was nearly christmas.

NOTE: In negative times, there are always positive parts. Whether you can see them or not, a negative can always be turned into a positive.

From my negativity, I learned that… not everyone is at university for the same reason as you. Not everyone is going to be a good and decent friend. University is a hard enough struggle without any added problems. Your drinking habits are not healthy and they are encouraging you to make bad choices.

I learned that it was time to accept these lessons and do something about it.

So, I did something about it. I moved out of the house that was causing toxicity in my life. I removed all the fake friends and negative influences from my life. I stopped drinking all together and started looking after myself. I accepted that everyone is different and has different morals and values in life. I focused more on the people that had always loved me. I focused on my studies and reminded myself why I made the decision to go to university.

From this, I am here. In a house that I enjoy living in. I live with really good people. I have made new friends. I still have my great friends from a year ago. I am still at university working hard. I am president of a society. I have a job which I really enjoy. I am still sober and finding it really easy.

Life is good and I am happy.

It has taken time, patience and perseverance to get here and I’ve struggled with my mental health along the way. I’ve questioned myself many times as to why I’m doing what I’m doing. I’ve cried and suffered heart break.

BUTTTTT…

Here I am. A year ahead of where I was. The good and positive influences have remained in my life and the negative have gone. I am much happier and much more in control of my life.

Moral of the story: It is important and healthy to reflect. You may be exactly where you want to be or you may be only a few steps forwards but everything happens for a reason. Keep persevering. Keep being patient. It all takes times. You got this.

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No, fuck you. I was worth it…

*Inspired by an instagram post I saw earlier

“No, fuck you. I was worth it”

To the kids at primary school who laughed because I had hairy arms, who pushed me against walls and kicked me, who stole from me, who made up rumours about me, who isolated me. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To my peers at secondary school who called me names, laughed at my braces, my nose, my clothes, my make up. Who made Facebook pages about me. Who isolated me and bullied me. Who encouraged me to hate myself when I was suffering mentally. Who told me to kill myself. Who thought they were really cool for being absolute arseholes to me. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To the boyfriends who made me cry, used me, lied to me, led me on, cheated on me, mentally abused me. Who made a fool out of me, who would rather be a coward than be brave and honest, who chose drugs over me, who told me to settle, who wanted a basic life and made me feel “too much” because I didn’t want to settle. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To the friends who showed their true colours, who stole from me, used me, hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me and laughed behind my back. Who made me feel isolated because I didn’t want their lifestyle, who pushed drugs and alcohol in my face when I was struggling, who knew I was depressed and left me to cry. Fuck you. I was worth it.

To anyone who has made me cry, who made me feel bad as an individual for no good reason, who started a rumour about me, who told me I couldn’t succeed in any of my dreams and goals, who called me a failure. Fuck you. I was worth it.

I was worth it. I have always been worth it and I still am.

I’d like to sit here and say “I hope one day you realise what you’ve lost” but in all honesty, I really couldn’t care less. I know what you’ve lost and that sucks for you.

I am an honest and loyal person, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, colleague, student. Whatever. I never aim to go out of my way to hurt anyone and if I have ever hurt you, I am truly sorry. It was never intentional.

But for all the shit that I had to endure because of all of you… thank you.

Thank you for teaching me that I am worth more than what you offered to me, that I will continue to achieve great things, that I will continue to have good, decent people in my life, that I can be happy without your negativity.

Because I don’t hate you. I also don’t like you but thank you for being a lesson well learnt.

Because now I know what I want and what I deserve and I am moving on to better things.

Thanks bitches. I am worth it.

I am so angry.

Life is pretty good right now. Great family. Great friends. Uni is tough but it’s good. I have a job that I enjoy. Striving towards good things.

But I am angry.

I am so angry.

Not all of the time but now and then.

And being angry is exhausting. I actually feel angry because I feel angry.

The main reason I feel angry is because I was let down by someone I cared about. They let me believe that our relationship was worthy of a future and a purpose. Six months of hopeless conversation, fabrications and fake expectations. Six months of thinking you knew someone and they had falsely advertised who they were all along.

It doesn’t make them a bad person but it’s really hurt my feelings and I’m angry.

There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. There is no need to live up to someones expectations or to play it down to someones expectations. There is no need to make plans with someone who you don’t plan on doing anything with. There is no need spending time with someone and letting them fall in love with you when you know that you are going to walk away so easily.

Because that’s what makes me angry.

We had a great time together but all the laughter and the happiness that were conceived in those moments have disappeared and they’re not coming back. I’m left with bitterness, frustration, confusion and most of all, anger.

It’s not the first time that I’ve been let down and I’m sure it won’t be the last but this also makes me angry. If this has happened to me before, why did I let it happen again? Why did I let my guard down for someone who wasn’t worthy? Why did I alter and negotiate part of my life in order to have them in it? Especially when it was all for nothing.

Pure anger. Anger at them. Anger at me. Anger at the situation.

What a waste of energy. I want to scream. I want to write a really shitty text message. I want to punch them in the face. I want them to be sorry. I want them to apologise. I want a hug. I want them back. I want to feel happy again. Not angry.

But the only thing I can do is to breathe. Cry. Distract. Process.

and to not remember things incorrectly. To not analyse the situation. To not dwell on words said and words unsaid.

Because the anger will pass and I will be okay. I will be great. I will cry with happiness instead of anger and I will scream with excitement and not frustration.

Just taking each day as it comes because knowing that I want to feel better means that I steps ahead of where I think I am.

and breathe…

 

 

Letting go is the hardest and the strongest thing you can ever do

Being an ambitious person with strong morals, high standards and strong emotions is a gift but also a curse.

It means that the people who stay in your life are truly amazing and you love them dearly but it also means that you have to say “hi and goodbye” to a lot of people. And this means sadness, anger, frustration and what feels like wasted time.

Instead of letting these people go and getting on with my life happily and free of those that reduce the quality of my life, I blame myself.

A lot of the time, I am proud of my strength and my determination for a good life. I love my morals because I treat those how I want to be treated and I won’t accept any less. I refuse to settle. I refuse to be used or played or lied to. I don’t have time for negative energy in my life.

Yet, there is a small part of me that blames myself for when things go wrong. Despite it being my decision to say goodbye, I still feel guilt. I feel guilt for having high standards. I feel guilt for wanting better. I feel guilt for believing that I can be happier without that person.

AND HOW FUCKING BIZARRE IS THAT. I feel guilty for wanting to be happy?

So, I sat and experienced guilt for 15 minutes before telling guilt to fuck off. 

I don’t feel guilty.

I feel frustrated for wasted energy and time. I feel sad for putting energy into something that didn’t want my energy. I feel angry for blaming myself despite trying. I feel excited for my future. I feel relieved for being honest. I feel proud for appreciating my self worth and doing what was right for me.

But I do not feel guilty.

Because I should never ever settle for less and neither should you.

If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be in it. If you push them away, they will pull you back in. Regardless of hurtful words said or upsetting actions or even just disregard for feelings, if someone wants to be in your life because they value you as an individual, they will sure as hell be in it.

Not everyone you let go is a bad person and sometimes, that makes it harder but again, this does not mean you have to settle.

Just because they are a good person does not mean they are obliged to stay in your life. If they don’t bring you happiness, laughter, kindness and sometimes tears, then they aren’t worth it. If they aren’t consistent or loyal then you can say goodbye. If they aren’t interested in your life then stop listening to theirs.

This may sound selfish but it’s not because I am sure that like me, you would do all of those things for other people. So why should you be a back-up plan or a second choice to a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member… anyone.

You shouldn’t.

So don’t settle and be strong enough to let go of those who aren’t worth your time because who you are is not a curse, it’s a blessing.

 

Having an addictive, self destructive personality sucks and so does this blog post.

I have always had an addictive personality. It really really sucks.

Throughout life, I have been addicted to many things. Some positive like the gym and some negative like drinking and self harming.

I would like to say that I am currently addicted to nothing but my vape. Wahoo go me!

That’s awesome right?

No. I have been having a rough month and usually, due to my addictive personality, I will have a go-to coping mechanism that has stemmed from my addictions.

Whether that be drinking, self harming, smoking, eating, going to the gym, shopping… you name it.

During these recent struggles, I have had no coping mechanism and it is so fucking hard.

I am emotional and overwhelmed.

In all honesty, a hug would probably make this all better but I am away from friends and family at university so regular hugs are out of the question (unless anyone is offering).

I am not just battling with daily life right now. I am also battling with my head. Many people around me will get drunk or take drugs or do something to make themselves feel good after a stressful week and I don’t have anything to make me feel better. The only thing I have got is my strength, knowledge and optimism.

Having these daily reminders of self destructive things that I could do to temporarily fix myself is exhausting. A long and draining battle and some days, losing that battle would be so much easier than hours of tears and tormenting myself.

I feel like I am constantly treading water, trying to keep my head up.

And the worst thing about it is that I am trying everything in my power to be ok. All those typical things you read online about “how to relax” or “how to look after yourself”, well believe me, I’ve done them this month.

After suffering with mental health throughout my life, I know that will pass and I will learn from this. I will be in a really great place again and I’ll forget how it feels to feel this low.

But because I am not looking back on that low moment and I am currently in it, it’s scary and it’s really fucking exhausting.

For anyone reading this and thinking that I am another social media warrior that jumps on the bandwagon of mental health for attention, you couldn’t be any more wrong.

I love being happy. I love laughing. I love exploring and experiencing priceless memories with those I love. I love close relationships. I love life.

And I hate crying constantly. I hate moaning about my life. I hate having to reach out to others for help. I hate feeling needy. I hate it when depression and anxiety creeps back up on me and I never saw it coming.

I guess I will do what I always have done. Keep fighting each moment and each intrusive thought until it passes and hopefully, I’ll be back soon.

 

 

I kind of fell into a long distance relationship…

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So, I kind of fell into a long distance relationship.

I always swore it would never happen because I could never make it work. I never wanted to be in a relationship where someone was not right beside me. I am too needy.

Oh how things change.

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The problem is: HOW DO I COPE?

Every time I see ‘him’, it’s amazing. It’s the best. If you were to plan a really great weekend, seeing him would it be it. It ticks all the boxes. I am constantly laughing. I am relaxed. I am excited. I am productive. I feel good about myself. I am happpppppyyyy.

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But then comes the dreaded morning. Waking up and knowing that in an hour or so, you have to walk him to the train station and say goodbye.

Each time I say goodbye, I tell myself that it will be okay. You won’t miss him as much as the first time. You’ll get used to the distance.

OH. HELL. NO.

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What a massive lie I tell myself. I miss him more every day. Every hour. Every second. 

I get so excited to talk to him that when I do, I feel sad. It’s like I have so much to tell him and when he calls, I forget and just feel sad. The words “I miss you” mean so much but they hold that sinking feeling in my stomach every time I say them.

The 2 week wait doesn’t sound like much but it feels like a lifetime and it’s a sickening feeling. Knowing that when they step on that train, it’s a 14 day countdown… again. And despite how busy and distracted with work, uni, friends, family, gym, hobbies or whatever… days drag on. Days are even longer.

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I miss him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t see him any sooner. I physically want to grab him and not let him go. In fact, when I do see him, I spend most of the time just touching him and remembering him before he leaves again.

It’s hard and it’s going to get harder. I need to mentally prepare myself and make myself stronger. I just don’t know how. 

After listening to endless amounts of emo love songs and waking up from really nice day dreams of what could be, the sadness comes. 

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BUT a notification. A snapchat. A message. A missed call. and even better, an answered call makes it just that little bit more bearable. 

The time we spend together is honest and pure. It is genuine and it’s real. It’s simply amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It keeps me holding on to what ever this is because it is so good. The excitement of seeing him is too much. Waking up next to him is like a dream and I pinch myself so I know it’s real. The public displays of affection mean the world to me. It’s like we are in our own little world and no one else matters. Just us and it’s absolutely perfect.

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So I will have to learn to put up with the constant missed calls, waiting for our schedules to match up so we can have a proper conversation, the smell of him on my pillow making me miss him even more, the empty space in the bed, missing the person guaranteed to make me laugh and smile all day. I will have to learn to put up with the distance and the time.

Because in the end, it is all worth it. 

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Stop playing the victim.

This world is not perfect. There is so much hate, racism, sexism, discrimination and the list goes on.

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But this world is also beautiful. There is so much love, compassion, determination and positivity.

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It all depends on your outlook. I truly believe there are two types of people in this world.

The type of people who think the world owes them everything…

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and the type of people who thinks the world owes them nothing…

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You can be who you want to be. There will always be people telling you “no” or discriminating against you for whatever reason but it’s how you deal with it that tells you what type of person you are.

I am a massive advocate for “the world is your oyster”. Particularly for those from a first world country.

We have access to education, to travel, to change careers at any time of our lives. We have freedom to be gay, trans, gender fluid, atheist, religious, you name it.

So when I see people playing the victim, I get pretty frustrated. Not because it’s annoying but because you are the only person holding yourself back.

I look back through all the struggles I have been through and I could of easily opted for a life of drugs, alcohol and even suicide. I could of bummed off my parents and the government. I could of wallowed in self pity because of all the wrong-doings in my life.

But the difference is… I did the opposite of those things.

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I fought all my battles and I lost many of them but I never gave up.

I was once told to settle for less. “You are not a princess, this is Gosport, stop expecting so much”. I could of just listened to that advice and been miserable, wallowing in my mistakes and holding on to all the shit people have done to me…

BUT I DIDN’T.

I left behind people who dragged me down and I quit negative actions that were ruining my life. 

I started to do things that I enjoyed and simply because I enjoyed them. I surrounded myself with people I liked for positive reasons because they were good and decent people. I sat and pondered on what I could do with my life and I made it happen. 

I changed what made me miserable.

I started looking at myself differently. I admired myself for removing all the negativity from my life. I admired myself for making decisions that were incredibly hard but positively life changing.

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And from admiration of myself, I found confidence. I am more confident in my body. If I don’t like my body, I can change it. That’s not an issue because I am determined to be the happiest version of myself. However, I have learnt and I am still learning to love my body. It’s mine and it’s who I am.

I am more confident in my life choices. I know who I am as a person and any decision I make, good or bad, is mine and I can own that.

I am confident with my personality. This is me. For years, I have suffered verbal abuse and the worst thing I did was listen to it. The only opinion of myself that I value is my own.

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I truly believe that, whilst lots of people love you and care for you, the only person who will only ever be there for you is yourself.

Society made me feel selfish for a long time for accepting compliments, for feeling good about myself and for loving myself.

But fuck it, I do.

I am not selfish and I am not stuck up. I appreciate this life and I know my self-worth.

So when I feel sorry for myself and I know that playing the victim is a realllllly easy option, I say no. I could resort back to the past and make all the abuse I suffered who I am but that will only ever make me miserable.

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Stop playing the victim.

I am not discrediting any victim of abuse or ‘ism’ but it is how to react to the negativity that creates your next move. It is how you think of yourself that predicts your reaction.

Love who you are. Own it. Shrug off all the negative comments. Let go of all your mistakes and hold your middle finger high to all those who hurt you in the past.

You are in control of your own life.

and in the words of Kesha… “I’m proud of who I am!”

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