Triggers (Warning: May contain triggers or shocking images)

A trigger is a feeling or a memory that is released which can stem from a person having a traumatic experience in their life. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling or memory and there can be a positive outcome but most of the time, it doesn’t feel nice.

I have a lot of triggers.

I don’t like being around drunk older men especially when I’m sober

I get a feeling of fear and anxiety in which I want to run away but I can’t move and it reminds me of past memories. I am living proof of a human being that changes when alcohol enters my system and I have seen it happen to those around me. I understand why people get out of control drunk but it doesn’t mean it’s okay and it makes me very wary.

I don’t like people displaying violence and anger

It terrifies me. Most of my life, I have been driven by anger and injustice but I have never smashed someones face in. I don’t believe violence is the answer. I have seen far too much of it. I think it scares me more when men display violence. I remember when I was in my first serious relationship and I remember arguing with my boyfriend and he launched his phone across the room. It was the only time in 4 years that he showed any sign of anger and violence but that was enough for it to trigger bad feelings and memories.

I don’t like being around or seeing people take drugs

I have experienced peoples lives change due to drugs and it has also changed mine. As soon as drugs come into a life, everything changes. Every emotion is different and relationships change and I don’t like it. It’s ugly and it’s fake. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I feel a lot of anger and frustration and memories that I wish to block out come flooding back. I saw my ex boyfriends friend out the other night and jesus christ, I wanted to cry. It had been 6 months since I’d last seen him and he looked grey. His hair and skin looked dead. The trigger came but I managed to shake it off. Then, last night I went out with a guy I’m seeing and we stopped at the top of Portsdown hill. I love the view. I looked across to my left and in the car next to me were several lads racking up lines of whatever and the trigger came. I felt like getting out the car and slapping them all round the face. I’ve seen it destroy lives and to see them sitting there, laughing about it made me feel sick.

I don’t like seeing self harmers

I suffered with self harm since I was about 12 years old and it got pretty horrific. This is a personal picture I have never shared. I keep it close to me to remind me that I am not who I was. I’m not ashamed of being a self harmer but I never glamourize it. It has been one of the hardest challenges I had to face in my life and every scar I wear with pride because I am a survivor. However, true self harmers are very secretive. Whenever someone saw my cuts, I would be so embarrassed. They were for my eyes only, not for the public. When young people cut their arms and don’t cover them up and literally wave them in my face, it becomes a trigger. Not so much now but in the past it has been very difficult. These individuals showing off their cuts were almost laughing about it when inside I was feeling angry and trying to fight myself. It has been such a long time since I have wanted to harm myself and I am so proud to say I survived because I never thought I would stop that addiction. However, it is apart of me and always will be but thats okay but I’m strong enough to shake it off.

Even though all these memories are hard to relive and the feelings are horrible, they are there for a reason.

They remind me that even though I have experienced so much in my life, good and bad, I have come out the other side. I have always made the best out of a bad situation and I always stood by my moral compass. I may have gotten a little lost along the way but I have always known the difference between right and wrong and when enough is enough.

And here I am. Still breathing. Still fighting. Not surviving but living.

Every battle is a challenge. Every trigger is a reminder. Temptation is inevitable but strength is the key to keep pushing forwards.