The reincarnation of Kelly ðŸ˜˜

Last night was my best friends 21st birthday celebration. It started off with a garden party at her house with food and alcohol and lots of her friends. I managed to control my anxiety and I went and had a lovely time. 

There were people from her uni, some I had met and some I hadn’t. There were also people I hadn’t seen in years. I was nervous as the last time I had seen most of these people was when I was an aggressive binge drinker. I know that’s not who I am but if certain people only see me like that then they’ll only have a certain impression of me. Hopefully, I proved their memories wrong.

After a long afternoon of drinking, we headed to the ferry. My mum gave a few of us a lift and I’m glad she did. I wanted her to see that I was okay. I’d been drinking and I was good. Also, my friend who I hadn’t seen in years was there and she has been going through a tough time. Alcohol + low mood = bad mix. Alcohol is a depressant, don’t forget it. She was very upset and we all have her big hug and a very good talking too. I’ve never been through what she has but I saw myself in her. I’ve felt like that before and it’s horrible. Especially when you have a drink to have a good time and it’s not a good time. I wouldn’t of blamed her if she went home but she stayed and I really hope she had a good night!

We got to the ferry and by this point, I didn’t feel drunk and considering the amount I had drunk, I was a little disappointed. After 7 months of no alcohol, I thought I would have become a light weight but no. It didn’t hit me until I entered the club. 

Before we entered the club, I had a conversation with a girl who my friend knows from uni. We spoke about a lot of things but ended on the subject of drinking and what I’ve done. She told me that before when we went out when I visited their uni, she thought I was very aggressive. It was the first time we had met and she described my behaviour as aggressive but she said what I’ve done is amazing and that the real achievement isn’t stopping the alcohol, it was being able to drink again and have control. That was really nice to hear. I stopped drinking for myself, to better myself but it’s always a really good feeling when someone else acknowledges it!

When we entered the club, I had to pay £10! TEN EFFING POUND! Are you joking? If it wasn’t my best friends 21st, I would of turned around and left but I paid and went in. I got to the bar and shit started. An aggressive guy shoved a friend because she fell into him. Dude, it’s a club. It’s hardly spacious. People are dancing and they are drunk but he didn’t like it so he shoved her. Inside, I wouldn’t to lose my shit and bring out the feminist but I didn’t. When the guy tried to justify his behaviour, still in an aggressive manor, I just said “you need to use your words”. Hahaha, the pros of working with children “use your kind hands”.

I then ordered a drink. Well, after a fair few minutes I did. I had no idea what to buy. It had been so long since I’ve ordered a drink in a club but I chose a JD and coke. We then went to dance. I followed my friends and squeezed through a gap in the crowd to make sure I didn’t lose them. A moody faced girl behind me didn’t like that for some reason and decided to kick me… In the bum. Odd choice but ok. It really hurt. Again, I wanted to turn round and rip her a new arsehole but I turned round, clocked her face and laughed. I took a deep breath and shook it off. Silly bitch. Before we reached the dance floor, my friend tripped and she spilt a little of her drink. Again, another aggressive person lost it because they got splashed and it looked like she was about to go for my friend. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why are you so angry!? You are out to have a good time, have you forgotten that?

We reached the dance floor, danced for a while and then I decided to do a tradition. TEQUILA! I bought myself and my two best friends a shot. I’ve always like tequila and after not having it for seven months, I thought why not. We shot it and then we danced. 

Then, I felt a little drunk. Myself and my best friend danced our way around the club and we ended up in this room called the club room. I had just been for a cigarette and as I was ordering a drink, I felt this massive feeling of dread and urge. I had a trigger. I was reminded of drugs and all the horrible times I endured with an ex boyfriend. I think it was the alcohol and the smell of the smoke on my hand that triggered that memory. I turned to my friend and said to her that I think it’s time I went. I knew she would understand. Everyone did. I gave hugs and said goodbye and we left.

As we walked back to the ferry, I told my friend what happened with the trigger. Talking is important, do not bottle up emotions or feelings, especially when you’re drunk. She’s my best friend and she has stuck by me through everything. We got a bit emotional, there where no tears… I think? We always support each other and she told me how proud she was of me. That I was probably the strongest person she knows and if it wasn’t for me, she would of given up. That I am proof that I can get through crap and come out the other side. She admires me for living life to the full even though I went down hard paths. I love this girl. Without her and my other best friend, I don’t know what I’d do. I have such an amazing support group and for that I am so thankful.

We got on the late night ferry, got a little feminist which isn’t unusual for us but it was funny and then when we got off, we headed for the kebab shop. Cheesy chips and a burger and I was sorted! We jumped in the taxi home and I ended up at my boyfriends. I was so glad to see his face at the end of the night. We spoke about the night and what occurred and then jumped into bed. After my cheesy chips, when my head hit the pillow, I was out.

This morning, I don’t feel too bad. Despite being a little drunk, I still had my common sense and I knew my limit. I drank a lot of water before bed too. I’m tired and I ache. 

I’m glad last night happened. It needed to happen. I now know I have control. I’ve changed. I really have achieved what I wanted to. I also know, clubbing isn’t for me anymore. I love dancing but I’d rather do it in my house with my friends than in a club full of people who are aggressive and are judging each other. I’ve had the best seven months being sober and after last night, I really don’t feel the need to drink. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to have a drink from time to time but I don’t crave it. I’m really happy right now even with a hangover because I’ve done it. I’m strong and I’ve done it. Yaaaaaay

Just a few pics from the night for memories ❤️


 Oh and by the way, writing a blog on an iPhone instead of my laptop isn’t easy! 


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I have battled with mental health and substance misuse for years and this blog is about my journey. I hope it makes you laugh, makes you cry but most of all inspires you to live the best life you can 🦋

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